Still struggling to understand what happened to me 20 years ago

[Poppies]

I was in a nightclub with a friend and we got chatting to these two guys. They suggested going for food so we left with them. When we got outside we parted. I was happy to kiss this guy we were in a secluded place. I was naive, 18 and a virgin. He started getting a bit too much for me I stood up to walk away and find my friend, who had disappeared with the other guy. He then grabbed me from behind and pulled my trousers off so I could not go anywhere. I can't remember what happened next which is really annoying! I wasn't drugged or drunk though I don't think. Next thing I remember lying in the floor with him on too of me and him telling me to feel my breast and me saying no he said it twice and I refused twice then he forced his penis inside me it hurt I looked away and thought hurry up and finish. It hurt. After we met up with my friend and his friend and they put us in a taxi. I bled that night quite a bit. Got up went to college the next day. I did not tell anyone about it as I felt I didn't fight and not even sure I said no to him. I am still confused as it seems like rape but its hard for me to get my head around.

[welshgirl]

Hello Poppies and sorry to hear of your experience. I am new to this and know how hard it can be so well done for reaching out and asking for help. I will leave it to the others to offer advice! Take care Welsh girl

[Poppies]

Thank you for the reply welsh girl I hope you are ok, I think I am just finding it hard to get over because I am still doubting it was rape and annoyed with myself for not being stronger! Take care for now. Poppies x

[Music lady]

Hi Poppies,

You are strong because you have made a huge step posting here.

Sorry I haven't replied before, I am struggling with finding words at the moment.

I can relate so much to your post. I can't remember what happened to me either. It scares me to think how easily I was able to forget. From what you say it was r*pe because you got up to leave, and it feels to you like it was. Freezing is part of the fight or flight reflex, it's how we survive. The fact that you looked away says it wasn't consensual.

So sorry you're going through this.

You're not alone, we're all here with you.

Take care.

ML

[Poppies]

Thank you so much it's nice to talk to some one who knows how it feels, I am at councelling and trying to work it all out but just need that understanding from people who know how the fear, shame and humiliation effects you even years later. Ml you said you have blocked it out too, can you remember clips of it? I can but no dialogue. I am glad I finally got the courage to join you guys x

[sparks]

Welcome poppies, but really sorry you have had to be here, I hope that you find the support that you deserve to help you, there is fantastic people here who can relate to what you are feeling, I hope you find some kind of comfort that will assist you best wishes.

Sparks

[Music lady]

Hi Poppies, I'm glad you joined us as well

I can remember trying to push him off and then it's blank until I'm lying on my side sobbing with him saying to me 'that was good, shall we do it again?' I can remember thinking it's all pointless now, but other than that, nothing. I can remember waking up the next day and trying to carry on as normal, whilst ignoring the feeling of my skin crawling. I managed to carry on for about 2 or 3 months after, then I had to end it because I couldn't carry on anymore. I resented him so much for what he did.

I'm pleased you're seeing a counsellor. It does help to talk to others who can relate as well. I have childhood issues as well that I'm dealing with.

You have nothing to feel ashamed, humiliated about. It wasn't your fault. I still have trouble talking about it. I guess it just takes time.

Take care
ML

[myhome]

Hi Poppies and welcome though sorry you had to find us.....I think that as you tried to walk away and he pulled you back, forcibly removed clothing, then told you to do something to which you said no and he "forced" his penis inside you, all make it rape and if not that then sexual assault or indecent assault...In no way was this your fault. It's good that you're getting counselling; you could also contact your local Rape Crisis Centre where they are specially trained to help and support victims of sexual assault.

keep strong.....MH

[Poppies]

I know I had my hands held above my head when he was having sex and it hurt but pretty sure I just lay there and waited for him to finish, nit sure if this was shock or fear though or both

[Pinkdolphin]

Hi poppies. Well done on taking this step. I've only just taken this step after being raped 21 years ago when I was 10. I can't really offer any advice but didn't want to read and run.