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Helping someone who has been raped

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  • #16
    Firstly, she needs professional help. No offense to you, but she likely needs more help than you an give her. This means that you should encourage her to seek professional help in the form of counseling/therapy. Your job is to support her and be there for her (if you choose to stick round, I doubt it will be easy and a month isn't along time, though I do know quite a strong bond can form in that time). I can't promise that the relationship will hold out, she may decide she needs to be alone/single/celibate. What I can tell you is that providing help and encouragement to her, and doing what you can (you can only do your best) will be very rewarding and will likely alter her life for the better. Right now she needs all of the support she can get.

    She may be reluctant to seek counseling, and it also costs money. If you're in London the Havens are very helpful I believe, so she may receive at least some help there.

    What the therapist will likely say is that she shouldn't engage in any sexual activity until she feels ready, which could take a while. Many female victims will go completely off of sex or become hyper-sexual. Explain to her that there is no pressure on her to do anything she doesn't want to do and try to resist initiating sex. You sound like a sensitive guy, but I've been a teenage boy with a teenagers libido and I know how frustrating having a girlfriend and not being able to have sex can be. If you choose to jump on board for the long-haul then you'll need to accept sex is off the table for a while.

    You can also explain to her that writing provides a very cathartic release for many people, so she could try keeping a (very private) journal of what she is feeling day to day. Since talking about these things is often very difficult (at best) you could try 'coding' interactions and telling her if she's feeling frightened or upset, the two of you can just cuddle together in silence on the sofa so she knows she's not under pressure to have sex or even talk about anything she doesn't want to.

    From experience, one piece of ugly truth I want you to know is that this problem - no matter how much you ignore it - will NOT disappear on its own, never ever ever ever. My opinion, formed from an empirical experience is that your goal should be to be as supportive and caring and as patience as possible, with the goal of getting her to professional help as fast as possible, while making sure she gets as much as she needs. This will not be a quick fix, and it will not be easy.

    God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers.

    Good luck.

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    • #17
      Originally posted by 50intheclip View Post
      Firstly, she needs professional help. No offense to you, but she likely needs more help than you an give her. This means that you should encourage her to seek professional help in the form of counseling/therapy. Your job is to support her and be there for her (if you choose to stick round, I doubt it will be easy and a month isn't along time, though I do know quite a strong bond can form in that time). I can't promise that the relationship will hold out, she may decide she needs to be alone/single/celibate. What I can tell you is that providing help and encouragement to her, and doing what you can (you can only do your best) will be very rewarding and will likely alter her life for the better. Right now she needs all of the support she can get.

      She may be reluctant to seek counseling, and it also costs money. If you're in London the Havens are very helpful I believe, so she may receive at least some help there.

      What the therapist will likely say is that she shouldn't engage in any sexual activity until she feels ready, which could take a while. Many female victims will go completely off of sex or become hyper-sexual. Explain to her that there is no pressure on her to do anything she doesn't want to do and try to resist initiating sex. You sound like a sensitive guy, but I've been a teenage boy with a teenagers libido and I know how frustrating having a girlfriend and not being able to have sex can be. If you choose to jump on board for the long-haul then you'll need to accept sex is off the table for a while.

      You can also explain to her that writing provides a very cathartic release for many people, so she could try keeping a (very private) journal of what she is feeling day to day. Since talking about these things is often very difficult (at best) you could try 'coding' interactions and telling her if she's feeling frightened or upset, the two of you can just cuddle together in silence on the sofa so she knows she's not under pressure to have sex or even talk about anything she doesn't want to.

      From experience, one piece of ugly truth I want you to know is that this problem - no matter how much you ignore it - will NOT disappear on its own, never ever ever ever. My opinion, formed from an empirical experience is that your goal should be to be as supportive and caring and as patience as possible, with the goal of getting her to professional help as fast as possible, while making sure she gets as much as she needs. This will not be a quick fix, and it will not be easy.

      God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers.

      Good luck.
      Hi James - please try no tot be offended by 50intheclip's comments. I am sure he was only trying to help........

      50intheclip - if you had read all of the posts on James' thread - those made by him and those made by us in response to his, you would see that he is quite a young man who is displaying considerable maturity in supporting his new gf in the way that he is. Perhaps the general thought would be that a person of his age would run the other way rather than stay and support.You would also see that between us that have replied previously, we have covered just about all the points you have made and that James has listened to opinions, has accepted advice from us, and also reviewed his actions in response to subsequent opinions offered by others.

      Your last complete paragraph is rather condescending - both to us who have ben supporting James for a while and to James himself. Again, this advice has already been given and indeed it is exactly what James himself has said from the outset that he wants to do and some of us have given support and encouragement and advice from the standpoint of having been on the receiving end ourselves.
      "Only love can light the mirror of your soul" - Chris de Burgh

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      • #18
        50intheclip,

        Well you fired a few rounds there, might I suggest you not only read the opening message but also the replies before off loading your six shooter.
        Last edited by sparks; 19 June 2013, 11:39 PM.

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