Helping someone who has been raped

[James]

I've been with my girlfriend for just over a month now (she's 18 now), and she's recently explained to me that she was raped and fell pregnant about a year ago, it explains a lot of things like not being comfortable with anything sexual, and the sudden shutting everything out. She also told me she still has flashbacks of what happened, as well as still waking up in the middle of the night having nightmares about it.
Basically I don't think she's coping as well as she thinks, she has it in her head that she should just keep quiet and not talk about it, meaning something like counselling isn't going to happen. I understand that I will never fully know or understand how she must feel but because she's so closed up and ashamed about it, it makes it hard to understand.

I was hoping someone who's gone through a similar thing would be able to tell me how they felt about it, and ideally give me an idea on how to help her get past it, maybe there was a way you wished someone helped you or something?
I just feel like I've got to try and help somehow.. Thanks.

[myhome]

Hi James - how lucky your gf is to have someone so loving and caring as you with her....

First of all - rape is never ever ever the victim's fault.
However, whilst we all know that, if you have been a victim, knowing that and BELIEVING it about yourself are two completely different things. This I know from experience - I was raped when I was 6 (I am now 56) and have only recently sought counselling from a specialist rape and sexual abuse centre. I have spent the last 50 years thinking what happened to me was my fault because that's what I was made to feel at the time - that I'd been a naughty girl. I have a marvellous counsellor and through a gradual series of therapy sessions, I have come to be able to say and BELIEVE that this was not my fault - and such a weight has been lifted from me and I feel so much happier because of this.

Second - continuing flashbacks and nightmares are 2 symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (lots of info on-line about this), and along with "shutting down" and being uncomfortable around anything to do with intimacy, suggests to me that she may be suffering from this. There are some very good and successful therapies which can help people overcome this. One is Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprogramming, but there are others too.

It would be awful if your gf lived her life, as I have, with the belief that this is shameful and her fault when therapies for abuse are so widely available and attitudes have changed so much in recent years......

It will probably take much time for her to agree to go for counselling or therapy - not least because it means she will undoubtedly have to relive the experience again during the sessions - but if you can gently persuade her to start to think about this, then the rest may follow. You could even offer to go along with her to the sessions or be there for her when she finishes each one - so she has some immediate support and comfort....

When you become a full member, I'd be more than happy for you to PM me....

Sending good wishes to you and your gf ......... MH

[Don'tbelieveit!]

hi James

I actually read your thread when you had just posted but couldn't quite decide whether to reply or not. After having read MH's input, I would like to help you help your girlfriend, but from a slightly different point of view.
I am here because my husband has been falsely accused.
However, I was also a victim of rape some 18 years ago, when I was in my late 20s. I did go for counselling but did not feel comfortable with my therapist, who back then seemed to be a 'drty old man'. He chain-smoked during the sessions and the only thing he seemed interested in was my dreams. Admittedly, dreams do tell us a lot about ourselves, situations, thoughts, anxieties, but i din't WANT to talk about them.
My second counsellor was female but had little to no time. 10-minute sessions were the norm!
After having been given the feeling my whole life, that whatever I did, was never good enough (school grades, uni, competitions), what this man - who I knew - did to me really gave me the rest. As a result of how my parents treated me 8re above) and what this man did to me, and other life circumstances, my self-esteem went rock-bottom, although I am a very intelligent woman with an IQ of almost 140. I have tried to commit suicide on several occasions, ended up in a clinic (voluntarily) and started self-harming.
What I am trying to say, James, is that with the right counsellor at one's side, I believe one can learn to cope with such a disgusting situation. I hard to learn to cope the hard way....I don't want to scare you because I realise that your girlfriend is very lucky to have such a caring boyfriend at her side, but it would ne so awful, if seh had go through the torment I did.
I am sure that you will be able to help! Good luck and take care! She's a lucky woman!

[myhome]

I agree - there are poor counsellors and excellent counsellors as there are poor and excellent professionals in any line of work. I think the big difference nowadays is that counselling and therapy are much more rigorously controlled and monitored and there are very good channels for complaint and redress if a counsellor turns out to be less than satisfactory......
I guess it comes down to personal choice but unless someone tries that avenue for help, they'll never know........................

[Don'tbelieveit!]

How true MH! How true!

xx

[James]

Thankyou very much MH, I'm glad you've overcome your demons and are feeling better! I'll try to suggest it to her and hope for the best I definitely agree that some sort of counselling will help its just a matter of getting her to see that! But thankyou it's been a big help and I will try to be there for her as much as she will let me through it all, I also will bare in mind that not all therapists are right for the situation and will try to handle the situation delicately, thankyou

[myhome]

Hi James

Perhaps you may be able to show your gf these posts in a while. You could also have a look for specialist Rape and Sexual Abuse teams in your area. I would suggest that as your gf is very nervous and wary about counselling or therapy, then seeing someone who is specially trained in helping people like her would be the best way forward. If you can't find any via the Internet, then your GP will be able to advise you or you could contact your Community Mental Health Team......

All the best.....

[James]

I was actually thinking the exact same thing, I thought it might be better hearing it (or reading it) from people who have gone through something similar rather than me, would it be too much to ask to maybe put something down directly to her, maybe just saying what you think she should do, something like that?
Thankyou MH you've been such a star in helping me out I wish I could repay the favour x

[sparks]

James, a word of caution, a person traumatized by such an event who has never felt she could talk about it, might not take kindly to it being discussed in an open forum without her consent.

[James]

Yeah that's true to be fair, but I don't really know how to help her without letting her know about this.. I dunno, it's hard, I've never had to deal with this sort of situation before.

[sparks]

By being there for her and supporting her you are helping her, but it has to be her who decides what help if any she wants, its a hard situation but she has to be ready to talk just be careful not to be too pushy if you know what I mean, her knowing she has your support I am sure will be a great comfort to her.

[myhome]

Hi james - sparks has made some very god points - hadn't thought of that....
I'm quite happy to put something on here to her but I think you need to consider carefully what sparks has cautioned before I do......

[James]

Yeah to be fair I think sparks may be quite right, I hadn't really thought about it but yeah, I do think I should get her to think about getting help but not using this..
However to be honest, since she told me and we've talked about it a little, she has started to brighten up and become more relaxed, I keep my phone on loud and told her to phone me if she wakes up but no calls yet.. I think I should give it a week or two to see the improvement, maybe talking about it me having someone there for her is all he needed, we'll see, but I'll let you know either way x

[myhome]

Hi James - good decision and it's great to hear that your gf is feeling a bit more relaxed, These things can never be forced and can only be tackiled when the person is ready and feels secure and supported.... you're doing a great job ..... MH

[50intheclip]

Hi James.

It was with great sadness that I read your post. You sound like a good guy. You're standing by a young and traumatised young lady who has had her vulnerability exploited and her mind, body, and soul violated in the worst possible way.

I should have written an introduction here but haven't yet, so I will add here that I have been the partner (4 years on and off) of a woman who was raped when she was 17 on holiday so I can speak about being in your situation from an empirical perspective.

I will try an share what I found to be the most helpful and effective strategies for both of you.