Feeling cowardly and unable to love...

[Rubelle]

Hi,
I've never posted on here before, but I would really appreciate some input if you can spare 5 minutes.
I've just watched a programme on BBC about rape, and it has made me realise I'm not as fixed as I thought I was. 7 years ago I was in a new town in a new job and went out with colleagues. I was very drunk and upset when I left a nightclub without anyone (as I hadn't made any new friends yet) and got talking to a man who seemed concerned as I was crying. Most of the rest of the evening I only remember in snippets but I do remember pushing the guy off from on top of me to throw up.
Anyway, in the days and weeks after, I went to see the doctor for STI checks, I had some counselling and just tried to get on with my life. I didn't report what had happened as both people that I lived with and people that I worked with could have found out about what had happened to me due to their professions and I was terrified of people knowing about it, blaming me because I was drunk and somehow thinking I led this guy on.
My memories of that night have faded somewhat, but now I feel deeply ashamed that I didn't do the thing I always thought I would and report it. I had very good forenic evidence at the time (but I could have seen this guy in the street and not had a clue I had ever met him before) but I was ashamed of my actions (being far too drunk in unfamiliar surroundings) and of my family finding out too. I feel like a coward.
I have had relationships since then but they have been short-lived and mainly physical, not loving relationships. I have recently starting dating again, and this is where my new problems have began. I'm now in a better frame of mind to find someone to care about before starting a sexual relationship, but I'm terrified of telling them what happened in case they think I am dirty or damaged goods in some way. But not mentioning it might make it very difficult for someone to really understand my attitude to physical intimacy (I seem to find it easier if I'm not emotionally invested in the relationship).
Does anyone have any advice on how I can let myself be loved and be loving without just giving in to my default mode of letting my physical side win over the emotional?
If you've read this far, thank you, any help would be much appreciated! x

[sparks]

Hello Rubelle,

I am sorry to read of the horrible trauma you suffered and the obvious mental suffering that your still going through, If I had a friend who told me this I would suggest talking to a councillor, or a Rape support group, they specialize in this field and might be better placed to give you the type of support that will help, there is a section on this forum where I believe victims of this crime post, I am sure a moderator will be able to assist with relocating this post there so you get maximum assistance and support.

God bless, Sparks

[myhome]

Hi rubella - sorry to read about your dreadful ordeal, but I'm not surprised it's still raw... Sparks has given very good advice - to get specialist help and counselling to help you begin to put these demons out of your head...
Hugs .....MH

[Saffron]

Hi Rubella

First of all, you are most definitely not "damaged goods". You dealt with the situation as best you could at the time and that is all anyone could ask of you.
In fact, most of the men I know would want to take you under their wing and protect you if they knew what had happened.
Well done for talking to us and welcome, if that's the right word.

Saffron x

[Music lady]

Hi Rubelle, So sorry for what's happened to you. I agree with what has been said already.

Like you, I didn't report my ex bf for what he did to me. I didn't report it because of people finding out what happened and it ending up in the local paper. He worked with members of the public including young children. Also my family weren't supportive. I have always questioned if it was the right choice not reporting it.

I have tried forgetting it ever happened for 18 years. Unfortunately, I was triggered a couple of months ago, but if I'm honest it had started to get worse before I was triggered. I am now seeing a counsellor. She has helped me see things differently. I now know it was the right choice for me. I think going to a counsellor that specialises in this field would help. I'm starting to remember things from that night. It has made laying next to my husband in bed tough. Since going to see my counsellor she has given me some grounding exercises to do which have helped. I now feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders already (I've only been twice). I still have some difficulties over intimacy. I think your partner won't see you as damaged or dirty. I think he'd want to protect you. The men I've told have helped me as best they can and have been supportive.

Sorry if I've rambled on a bit.
Good luck in whatever you decide. Feel free to post again if you need to.