i cant get over the anger

[lilahfairy]

i found peace of mind about the childhood abuse, and although im furious at the police about the handling of the stranger-rape in october, i dont really feel vengeful towards the man. id like to see him tried and convicted, yes. but i dont want to hurt him, i dont want him dead or anything. i just want him to face some sort of consequence and know he's not on the streets for a while.

but my ex???
that i cannot get over. i try, but i cant. i try not to think about it. but the times i do remember i am so angry.
i know i did nothing to get justice.
it was 6 years ago next month.
but at the time i (quite realistically) thought there was no chance of the police doing anything at all.
i was very very depressed/ill at the time. he had spent the previous 2 years grinding me down with emotional abuse. he was clever (double honours graduate. but then so was i, IQ 165, but i was very unwell and given a history of childhood abuse etc i didnt have the self worth or emotional skills to realise all that.)
we started our relationship a few months after i started university. id come stright from an emotionally and sexually abusive home, so i didnt know any different in relationships and was so pleased that someone wanted me.
he was mentally cruel (with hindsight) for a long time. possessive, controlling. superiority complex. gradually i saw less and less of my friends and had no life outside of our relationship.
but it was insidious and i didnt realise it was happening. it wasnt overnight. and he knew what buttons to push, from my childhood issues, to hurt me and yet to persuade me to stay (mostly along the lines of how bad i was an no one else would want me. which i believed because i hated myself)
but he showed no physical or sexual violence.

one night we had been drinking. i had maybe 2 or 3 alcopops, but i wasnt drunk, just merry.
i didnt realise how much he and his friend had drunk. but i think hed had the best part of a bottle of whisky in retrospect. we had gone to bed and were fooling about a bit.
but he started doing something i didnt want to do
so i asked him to stop. said i didnt want to do that.
but he didnt stop. i kept saying no and stop. but he kept going. i started crying. he still continued. i tried to pull his hands off me, but he was stronger and faster than me and they came right back.
i tried to wriggle away across the bed.
thats when he grabbed me by my hair and pulled me back across the bed.
pinned my arms above my head so quickly and fiercely it hurt and i thought he almost pulled my shoulders out their sockets. thats when i saw his eyes. freaky. i realised he wasnt there. there wasnt a person there. blackout. he was blind drunk and had no idea what he was doing. i thought 'he hurt my arm sockets.... if i struggle he might snap my bones or my neck' because i knew he didnt have a clue what he was doing.
he grabbed my hair again and pulled my head back and pinned it there, with him on top of me. and had sex with me. i cried my eyes out the whole time.
part of my brain just wouldnt compute. how could this be happening? he was my bf and supposed to love me right?
i know he had some idea i was crying because he said i was making too much noise and shushed me and i tried but then i couldnt and he clamped his hands over my mouth to shut me up. via a hand on my neck.
that scared me, hard to breathe.
but when he climbed on top again and started again i couldnt hold it in and just shrieked. he gave up soon after that.
got up and mumbled 'what the **** is your problem. i havent done anything wrong' and lurched to the bathroom.
i did consider leaving at that point, but i couldnt find my clothes and i was scared what hed do if he caught me trying to leave.
he came back. kept grabbing me places and held me by my hair for a few hours.
then passed out finally.
i just perched on the edge of the bed (so as not to touch him) and cried all night.

by morning id stopped crying and was just numb. totally numb.
he couldnt remember a thing.
he said
he had alcoholic amnesia a few times before.

i went into self destruct. i hated myself. i hated him. but at the same time i thought id deserved it. i was a bad girl. i was crazy. no one else would want me.
i tried to leave a few times, but he persuaded me not to. i was weak.
i didnt really consider the police. i mean, he was my boyfriend so....
i hadnt heard about anyone being raped by their bf. all id read was about scary strangers in dark alleyways with knives.
and i had no physical evidence. i didnt have bruises or scratches, i hadnt fought back
and he knew my family history and the sexual abuse and not all my family knew about that and the thought of that coming out in court as his defence (that i 'made up stories/had accused someone else of assault without proof) and that id lose my family and be hated for that. couldnt do it.
i knew my family wouldnt believe me.
'but he was a nice upstanding member of society? no we knew him and he wouldnt be capable of that'
in my experience most abusive people do their abuse behind closed doors. then are perfectly lovely to people outside and the authorities. because they are cunning that way and want to not be caught.
hardly likely to wear a sign round their necks saying 'hi im an abusive *******' or put their hands up and say 'yes i admit i am a rapist'. that just doesnt happen.
so many myths out there.
ive reports of studies of convicted rapists. most are not mentally ill. most are in sexual relationships at the time. most dont 'look' any different to anyone else.
but society lieks to believe it cant happen to them, that theyd be able to 'spot' a potential rapist.
my famliy said 'id have fought to the death rather than *let* him'
yeah i used to think that too
but when youre in the situation you dont react how you think you would. you are not in that calm clear state of mind. presented with physical danger, or just the release of noredrenaline, alters your reponses...
the reality is rarely how youd have imagined it.
and there was no 'letting' involved. i made it clear i didnt want to.

i guess thats what i come across most in people
'it would never happen to me'
'i could tell if someone i met/knew was a rapist or child abuser'
'id fight him off. fight to the death.'
'but he seems so normal and respectable'

yes. he had a double 2:1 from university. he was a 'christian'. he had a good job with a big company.
i was a mentally ill self harmer. (ironically mostly from prior abuse, and later from his abuse)

so who would people believe???

behind closed doors he was vile. he accused me of sleeping with any male i spent time with. he got angry if i went out with the girls. if i put makeup on he said it was because i was seeing someone else. he told me i was too fat. sometimes he stood in front of the door and stopped me from leaving. i knew better than to try to use force against a stong athletic male 8 inches taller than me and very pissed off.
he had an alcohol problem. whilst in his house.

but when he went out to work or socials, he was sober and normal and mr successful.
he saved the other side for me. no one else ever saw that side of him.


and i was mentally ill, and i knew that would be used against me if i reported it.
i couldnt takl to my friends because they were all his friends too.
it took me a year to tell anyone at all, including psychiatric workers.
i didnt think anyone would believe me, or would say it was my own fault, or that it didnt matter because he was my bf (and to the outside world he had a great image.)

i went out with him for a year and a half after that.
a year and a half too long.
he didnt do it again.
but i was destroyed by it. i hated myself. i felt worthless. the pain was immense. the memories vivid and intrusive. i thought id been ruined forever. no way back.

then we had an argument about it. i had rarely mentioned it because it made him angry. he had always claimed he didnt remember that night.
but then one day he said to me that he did it because he was sexually frustrated. we hadnt had much sex in the weeks leading up to that night. because i was ahving a rough time with childhood memories and got flashbacks and started crying during sex. so id been 'holding out on him'.

actually we hadnt had sex much for 4 weeks because id started a temp job so didnt spend weeknights with him anymore. he didnt like that.
he also didnt like me getting some independence or a life away from him.
and that made me think, well if you know why you did it, you must have some recollection of what you did??? or indeed some sense of premeditation to that night????
he said 'he was just interested in getting laid'

so i dont know what to think.
we finally broke up.
i started telling people what had happened. they were supportive.
i got more and more angry as my self worth started to return.
because he got away with it.
i had years of emotional pain and fallout and it STILL affects my relationships now.
(indeed with the stranger thing in october part of my reaction to all that was due to re-triggering of all the feelings from when my ex did that.)
he got away scot free. he got married, got promotion, got a house and everything and professional and personal respect and a highly successful life.
still doesnt accept what he did.
emailed me saying 'he had gone on to be around better people'
and that i had done things wrong in the relationship too.

i know its just hurting myself, but it makes me spit venom that he has this fantastic life and RESPECT dammit and he is a rapist. he was not held accountable and does not hold himself responsible.
i know its not helping me to be angry
but i just cant get past it.

my life is so much better now.
my mental health is improving, and in the last couple of months i have regained my self worth and my 'old' personality in a way i never thought i would. life is good mostly.

but still it eats away at me that he is out there being admired.

and i cant do anything about that.
i cant make him take responsibility or remember.
i cant get justice
i cant punish him

and i can see him laughing and pleased at himself (hes that type of person)

if i were to say anything much to anyone, or even given what i have told my friends, i run the risk that if he finds out he could have me charged with slander or false accusation or something.
and i cannot prove what he did to me.

i lost almost 6 years of my life to the results of what he did. i almost topped myself because i couldnt deal with the pain and memories and i struggled with hating myself and feeling worthless and powerless.

and i have found my self worth and power again. but i cant let go of the anger and sense of injustice.

out of all of it, the childhood sexual abuse (ages 4 to 19) the latest stranger-rape, and a few less major incidents, he did the most damage. he played with my head the most and made me feel most worthless and damaged.

how do you get over it?
how do you let go of the anger?
how do you deal with the knowledge that your rapist is walking around out there having a great life and being respected and praised and 'oh what a successful smart terrific person'???

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/sad.gif[/img]
lilah
xx

[diana_holbourn]

It&#39;s nice to know you&#39;re getting your self-worth back.

Rapists are often motivated to rape because they want power and control over someone. It&#39;s not just about sex. It sounds as if he was an extremely selfish man obsessed with control. You say he didn&#39;t like you getting some independence. That probably had far more to do with it than a desire for sex.

It&#39;s a shame he got away with it, especially given rapists tend to be serial offenders. But it wasn&#39;t your fault. Hopefully, if unfortunately he does attack someone else, they&#39;ll get him convicted successfully. And the more successful he is now, the more he&#39;ll lose and it&#39;ll hurt him if it happens, or even if people in his community start to suspect him of it.

Of course, it would be horrendous if he did attack anyone again. Maybe he won&#39;t. And maybe it would help you get a new perspective if you consider that him being really successful is vastly preferable to him doing so.

Some people find it helps with anger if they write a letter to the person who raped them, not to send it, but just as a way of getting angry feelings out of the system. Then they can say whatever they like.

Another thing that might help is if you imagine yourself succeeding in life despite what he did to your self-worth. Imagine it&#39;s ten years on into the future. Imagine you&#39;re writing him a letter telling him that all he tried to do to your self-image didn&#39;t work, because you&#39;ve made a great success of your life. Again, it&#39;s not to send, but so you can have the satisfaction of imagining it. Think of all the things you&#39;d love to be doing in ten years&#39; time. Then, imagine you&#39;re living then, and imagine you&#39;ve got an enjoyable job that really makes you feel fulfilled in life, and you&#39;re learning lots of interesting new things. Imagine you&#39;ve made lots of new friends, and you&#39;ve got several enjoyable hobbies. Think about what you really want from your future and write everything down. Imagine things are going really well for you. Imagine telling your ex-boyfriend all about it in as much detail as you can, describing step-by-step as far as you can all the things you did to solve your problems and get where you are now. Even if you have some ideas that you don&#39;t think are realistic, write them down anyway, because who knows what you&#39;ll be achieving or doing in ten years&#39; time, especially if you start working towards it soon.

Keep the letter for yourself to read sometimes and remind yourself of what you want out of your life, so you can work towards really achieving it. Then your life might really be like that in ten years&#39; time.

But just pretend it&#39;s ten years on now and you&#39;ve achieved all that, and you&#39;re sending him the letter. Date it with a date that&#39;s ten years away. You could tell him how happy you are that you didn&#39;t carry on believing all the horrible things he said about you, and how the great things that have happened to you have proved him wrong, or how you have the confidence now to be sure what he said wasn&#39;t true, and how pleased it makes you that you&#39;ve shaken off his influence, and how much of a success you&#39;ve made of your life. Even though the letter&#39;s only fiction, you can work step by step towards making it fact by trying to achieve everything you imagine having achieved in it little by little. Then, perhaps you will have done in ten years&#39; time. Then you can really feel satisfied.

You could also maybe use the anger to do something constructive, such as using it as the energy you need to exercise, if you can at the moment given you say you&#39;re physically ill. Exercise can be effective at lifting the mood.

One thing you can do when relationships start to go badly because of emotions you&#39;re carrying around from the past is to reassure yourself by thinking of and writing down as many ways as you can of how the person you&#39;re having a relationship with now is different from the person you had the traumatic relationship with, like personality differences, attitude towards you, etc.