How do I help a friend through the nightmares her rape has caused?

[chrisnbabe]

My girlfriend was raped and physically/mentally abused by her former partner of 12 years. She left him and has tried to sort out her life (with some success). We have a good and fullfilling relationship and I try to be not only loving, but also supportive and understanding

One year since leaving him she still suffers a re-occuring nightmare that leaves her distraught and tired from lack of sleep. I have known her to have the same nightmare dozens of times in just a few hours. Each time it starts, all her muscles go ridged as she begins to tremble. This is quickly followed by her snapping straight and yelling out. Sometimes she falls asleep within minutes of waking in this manner only to fall back straight into the same nightmare. I have tried to comfort her when these nightmares start, but I have little effect. Often all I can give her is comfort and loving arms round her, which she says does help in some small way

The trauma is so severe to her that she can't talk to me about it.

I worry about her. When awake she seems (on the face of things) to be coping, but her nightmares tell a different story. I know that her former partner still calls round from time to time. He says he is just checking that she is ok. He even offers her financial support (she always refuses).

He has never offered her any form of explanation or apology for what she has suffered and she has never asked. As if that wasn't bad enough, both her parents work for this man (part-time) and are unaware of the extent of her trauma at his hands. She refuses to tell them the details saying she couldn't bare to admit what she suffered. She is also concerned that if her parents knew what he has done, they would both quite their jobs. Being retired they need the small income he provides.

She has even refused to press charges because she can't face the thought of going through everything in court. Just talking about this reduces her to tears.

She is a wonderful person and I love her so much. How can I help her put an end to these devastating nightmares and truely come to terms with her ordeal. More important, help her to forget and move on with her life. I was trained in bereavement councelling which has helped me to listen and be supportive, but it is not enough.

[diana_holbourn]

One thing that can help with nightmares is if the person keeps a notebook by the bed, and if they've dreamed about something horrible happening that's specific, as soon as they wake up, they start to imagine the nightmare having a different, happier ending, and they write it down. They could invent several happy endings to it over time if they wanted. For instance, if someone had a nightmare that they were being chased down the street by someone who wanted to abuse them, they might invent a happy ending where some policemen saw what was going on and arrested the man, or where a friend happened to be driving by and stopped their car long enough for them to get in, and then drove swiftly away to somewhere safe. The technique might take a while to work, but it should help.

The more she thinks about the past, the more likely she is to have nightmares. It might help if she tries to focus on what she hopes to get out of the future as much as possible. If she writes down a list of everything she's good at or thinks she might like to do in the future to increase her enjoyment of life and sense of achievement, then it could make her more optimistic and more future-orientated, as well as increasing her self-worth by reminding her of what she's good at. One thing that can help people is if they imagine it's ten years on into the future and they've had increasing success in life in the past decade, and they're now doing really well in life, fulfilling all the dreams they had a decade before. She could write a letter to herself, imagining it's from herself in the future, and it could tell her all about what she's doing ten years on, how she's feeling, and all the little steps it took to get to the point where she is, and how she overcame her problems.

When she's done that, she could think about putting those little steps into operation one at a time, to help make her dreams come true.

Something that might calm her when she goes to bed, and at other times when she begins to get upset, is relaxation exercises. One's called progressive muscle relaxation, where people tense up groups of muscles in turn, and then slowly let them go, focusing on the sensation of them as they slowly relax. So they could first clench a fist, then let it go slowly, feeling the sensation of it as it relaxes. Then they could clench the other fist and do the same. then they could bend each arm up in turn, again focusing on the sensation of it as it relaxes. Then they could scrunch their facial muscles up and feel the sensation of them as they slowly relax. Then they could hold their breath, and feel the sensation of relief as they slowly breathe out. Then they could bend their legs up, and feel the sensation as they slowly relax. Then they could curl their toes up tight, and focus on the sensation of them as they slowly relax.

Another relaxation exercise is breathing slowly, in a controlled rhythm, counting to four slowly while breathing in, breathing through the nose with the mouth shut to slow it down, and then counting to four slowly while breathing out. The breathing has to be even. Some people gasp air in and then hold it for the count, but that doesn't do any good. The breathing has to be done slowly. But it calms down the body's anxiety responses. It should start to work fairly quickly once she starts each time, but after about 20 breaths, she should be quite a bit more relaxed.

Is there any way of stopping the man coming round? I don't suppose she'll ever forget what happened, but if she starts to brood on the past again every time seeing him triggers off more memories, she'll be more likely to have nightmares. But if every time she starts to have negative thoughts, she can make a conscious effort to stop herself and then replace them with more positive ones, she may be able to stop herself getting so upset about it. For instance, if she starts to dwell on the past, but then stops herself and reminds herself that she's much safer now she isn't in that relationship, and of what she's still got going for her and what she hopes to do to make the future better, it should help.