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Ok, so something happened to me about a month ago, I haven't told anyone and am feeling the need to talk about it and hear some peoples thoughts on what happened so have found this forum... Sorry it's so long, if you can be bothered to read it all and let me know your thoughts then thanks!
I was on a night out with a friend and really drunk, my memory of the evening is kind of blurred. We brought a couple of guys back to my house, I can't really remember how we met them, and were drinking more and chatting all together at my place. After a while I decided to go to bed and said to the guy I'd been chatting to that he could sleep in my bed the night. Obviously this was a really stupid thing to do, I have done stupid things like this in the past when I've been out partying and shared a bed with some random I've just made friends with. I think, looking at it now, the fact I've put myself in these dangerous situations is to do with a self destructive aspect of my personality I have. On this occasion, I think I was feeling quite lonely, I just broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks before this night and probably liked the idea of having someone in bed next to me even though I didn't want to have sex with him.
When we got into bed we were kissing, which I was fine with, then he took my hand and put it onto his crotch. I hadn't even realised he was naked but he must of taken his clothes off when got in and I was too drunk to notice. At first for a few seconds I started touching him, then I thought to myself, why am I doing this if I don't want to, so I pulled my hand away and said 'sorry I don't want to' and then turned away so my back was to him with the intention of going to sleep.
He then began taking my clothes off, and I know at this point I should have told him to get out and just been really firm about saying no straight away (though of course i'll never know what would have happened now if i had, he might have not stopped anyway, but i think if i had been really firm at that point and told him to leave then it might have stopped). I can't remember clearly, I think I might have told him to stop when he was taking my clothes off but I know I definitely didn't try to make him stop properly. I think this again has to do with this self destructive thing I have that I mentioned before. In the past I've self harmed a lot, and I also have always drank to much and frequently black out from drinking. I think maybe I was letting it see how far he would go in a kind of self harming way... like maybe part of me wanted him to hurt me... I don't know. Anyway, I regret it now, and actually haven't gotten drunk since and don't ever intend to get drunk like I use to again, so I won't put my self in a stupid situation like I did before. But if I'm honest part of me did want it I think, though I'm ashamed to say that, and I know that there are so many people on here that have had awful things happen to them and I don't feel I should even use the word rape to describe what happened to me because it doesn't compare and I maybe could have stopped it.
After all my clothes were off he got up and put a condom on, at that point I did start saying no properly, and pushing him away. He said 'it's ok i'm wearing a condom' and i said, still no. He was behind me and I was pushing him away and saying no repeatedly, I think I might have said 'I mean it, I'm saying no'. I kept saying no and pushing him away and then he said 'ok, i won't put it in you'. Up till that point I'd been holding my legs very tightly together so he would have had to get pretty physical to pull them open, but when he said 'ok, i won't' i very stupidly believed him and relaxed a bit. Then very quickly it happened. It was very sudden and hard and I genuinely had believed him and wasn't expecting it so at first i yelled out in surprise, and then (and i'm really ashamed about this) I didn't know what to do, so for a couple of seconds i made noises as if i was enjoying it, just for a couple of seconds and then i thought why am i doing that and stopped and just lay there and waited till it was over.
Afterwards, i said 'you said you wouldn't. I said no.' and he said 'i know, sorry'. and then i told him to get out and he said 'just let me sleep for a couple of hours and then i'll go'. I said he could sleep in the living room. he said 'just let me sleep here, i won't lay a finger on you i swear'. I said no, he had to sleep in the living room, 'he kept saying 'i won't lay a finger on you i swear' but eventually he left and slept in the living room and then left the next morning.
Sorry for writing so much. Like I say, it happened a month ago and I haven't told anyone. I feel like it wasn't properly rape because maybe I encouraged it and didn't try properly to stop it and maybe even on some level wanted it, so don't feel i would have the right to use such an extreme word. It made me think a lot about the way i've been drinking and about my attitude to sex in the past. I think in the past i have had sex that i didn't really want to when drinking and just went along with it. like i say, i don't ever intend to get drunk again and will certainly be much more careful about what i do with my body. i feel pretty horrible, well, sometimes i think i'm fine but then i have mood swings and feel really ****. Anyway, like i said, i haven't told anyone so just wanted to get it off my chest and maybe hear other peoples thoughts, as i know it's a normal thing to blame yourself but i think in my case it may actually be right to partly blame myself. thank you for bothering to read it all if you've made it this far...
I was on a night out with a friend and really drunk, my memory of the evening is kind of blurred. We brought a couple of guys back to my house, I can't really remember how we met them, and were drinking more and chatting all together at my place. After a while I decided to go to bed and said to the guy I'd been chatting to that he could sleep in my bed the night. Obviously this was a really stupid thing to do, I have done stupid things like this in the past when I've been out partying and shared a bed with some random I've just made friends with. I think, looking at it now, the fact I've put myself in these dangerous situations is to do with a self destructive aspect of my personality I have. On this occasion, I think I was feeling quite lonely, I just broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks before this night and probably liked the idea of having someone in bed next to me even though I didn't want to have sex with him.
When we got into bed we were kissing, which I was fine with, then he took my hand and put it onto his crotch. I hadn't even realised he was naked but he must of taken his clothes off when got in and I was too drunk to notice. At first for a few seconds I started touching him, then I thought to myself, why am I doing this if I don't want to, so I pulled my hand away and said 'sorry I don't want to' and then turned away so my back was to him with the intention of going to sleep.
He then began taking my clothes off, and I know at this point I should have told him to get out and just been really firm about saying no straight away (though of course i'll never know what would have happened now if i had, he might have not stopped anyway, but i think if i had been really firm at that point and told him to leave then it might have stopped). I can't remember clearly, I think I might have told him to stop when he was taking my clothes off but I know I definitely didn't try to make him stop properly. I think this again has to do with this self destructive thing I have that I mentioned before. In the past I've self harmed a lot, and I also have always drank to much and frequently black out from drinking. I think maybe I was letting it see how far he would go in a kind of self harming way... like maybe part of me wanted him to hurt me... I don't know. Anyway, I regret it now, and actually haven't gotten drunk since and don't ever intend to get drunk like I use to again, so I won't put my self in a stupid situation like I did before. But if I'm honest part of me did want it I think, though I'm ashamed to say that, and I know that there are so many people on here that have had awful things happen to them and I don't feel I should even use the word rape to describe what happened to me because it doesn't compare and I maybe could have stopped it.
After all my clothes were off he got up and put a condom on, at that point I did start saying no properly, and pushing him away. He said 'it's ok i'm wearing a condom' and i said, still no. He was behind me and I was pushing him away and saying no repeatedly, I think I might have said 'I mean it, I'm saying no'. I kept saying no and pushing him away and then he said 'ok, i won't put it in you'. Up till that point I'd been holding my legs very tightly together so he would have had to get pretty physical to pull them open, but when he said 'ok, i won't' i very stupidly believed him and relaxed a bit. Then very quickly it happened. It was very sudden and hard and I genuinely had believed him and wasn't expecting it so at first i yelled out in surprise, and then (and i'm really ashamed about this) I didn't know what to do, so for a couple of seconds i made noises as if i was enjoying it, just for a couple of seconds and then i thought why am i doing that and stopped and just lay there and waited till it was over.
Afterwards, i said 'you said you wouldn't. I said no.' and he said 'i know, sorry'. and then i told him to get out and he said 'just let me sleep for a couple of hours and then i'll go'. I said he could sleep in the living room. he said 'just let me sleep here, i won't lay a finger on you i swear'. I said no, he had to sleep in the living room, 'he kept saying 'i won't lay a finger on you i swear' but eventually he left and slept in the living room and then left the next morning.
Sorry for writing so much. Like I say, it happened a month ago and I haven't told anyone. I feel like it wasn't properly rape because maybe I encouraged it and didn't try properly to stop it and maybe even on some level wanted it, so don't feel i would have the right to use such an extreme word. It made me think a lot about the way i've been drinking and about my attitude to sex in the past. I think in the past i have had sex that i didn't really want to when drinking and just went along with it. like i say, i don't ever intend to get drunk again and will certainly be much more careful about what i do with my body. i feel pretty horrible, well, sometimes i think i'm fine but then i have mood swings and feel really ****. Anyway, like i said, i haven't told anyone so just wanted to get it off my chest and maybe hear other peoples thoughts, as i know it's a normal thing to blame yourself but i think in my case it may actually be right to partly blame myself. thank you for bothering to read it all if you've made it this far...
I still haven't spoken to anyone in real life, I don't feel able to talk to anyone I know about it now, but I have been considering talking to someone professional like a counsellor or something like a few of you have said. I've been writing quite a lot and focusing on my work to keep me busy, and still haven't gotten drunk again since it happened and I know it's only been a month but I do genuinely feel like I won't ever let myself get that drunk again.
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