Hello, my gf was raped

[ConcernedBF]

Hello im just going to get right into it. My Girlfreind was raped when she was in 6th grade and now its many years later. She told her parents but they never believed since it was a year or two after it happened. I just was talking to her about it before she went to work and I have been advicing her to tell her parents and that it is not too late to do something about it at all. There is no evidence since she was a child when it happend and that she had no idea what to do at all. I am here asking for some advice on what she can do if she should go to the authorities with this even though there is no evidence and things I can do to help.
please help! -concernedBF-

[diana_holbourn]

It would be difficult to say whether she should go to the authorities or not, but if there's no evidence, she might go through the trauma of a court case only for him to be acquitted. The length of time it's been since it happened might mean it's less likely to result in a conviction as well. On the other hand, if someone goes to court, even if they're acquitted, their lives tend not to be the same, since people will often believe they probably did it. But since there's no way of being sure whether that will happen or not, there's no point gambling on it. The best thing for her might be to consult a solicitor on her chances, if she decides she would like to take matters further. If she went to court, she might at least have the satisfaction of being able to take him there, but on the other hand, it might resurrect old wounds and distress her all over again, for some time afterwards. If she could find other people who were around him at the time or have been since and ask whether they were attacked by him as well, if they were and they decided to take the matter to court, the evidence would seem more powerful because there were more people claiming to have been assaulted by him.

As for the best thing you can do to help, it depends on the symptoms of distress she still has. But perhaps the most important thing is just to be supportive, and not to pressure her in any way.

Here's a list of general do's and dont's for partners of rape victims/survivors:

??Friends and partners of rape victims should often reassure them if they seem to need it that it wasn't their fault and they can't blame themselves. They shouldn't ask the victim questions beginning with "Why", like "Why were you out so late?" or "Why weren't you wearing more sensible clothes?", because that implies that they do think it was at least partly their fault after all.
??They shouldn't assume they know what's best for the victim, but they should be attentive to what the victim themselves says they need.
??They should help the person to regain the sense of control over their lives that they will have lost during the assault. One way they can do that is by allowing the victim to make decisions for themselves without criticizing them. A Partner shouldn't be over-protective, or the victim will take longer to get her confidence and sense of control back. Even if the victim asks a friend or their partner to make a decision for them, they should still keep the victim informed about what they're doing and check whether it's allright.
??They shouldn't pressure the victim to talk about the assault. They should be patient, because it might be a while before the victim's ready to talk. But when they want to, their partner should be willing to listen and let their loved one know they care.
??They shouldn't pressure the victim to go to the police. Victims need to feel in control again by being allowed to make their own decisions about that.
??Partners or friends shouldn't assume they know what the victim's feeling. But it's nice if they can reassure them that they're not going mad, if they seem to be worrying about that.
??Partners shouldn't be afraid to express their need for time out with their friends sometimes.
??They should seek outside help if the victim becomes suicidal.
??Partners who would like to re-establish sexual intimacy should know that it could take days, weeks, or months before their partner feels like being touched, hugged, kissing or having sex with them. If their partner pulls away from them or doesn't want to get close to them, they shouldn't take it personally;
it won't be them putting the victim off, but it'll be just that the sensations they get might remind the victim of the assault.

[ConcernedBF]

Thank you! She and I talked about it once before today and it seemed allright then when she brought it up today I asked about the guy and if he was in jail and she said no since she never had told anyone about it except for a few people me being one of them. I didnt want to pressure her at all it just made me so mad that she had told her parents a couple of times and they didnt believe her. I never ever pressure her to do things and this exprecially I only said that if you ever planned to say something to them again ill always be here for you to help and that I think its never too late to do something. She is a senior now so it was 6 years ago that this happened she says shes fine and that she knows that the guys life is 'trash' he still lives at home since its her friends older brother. The real reason I think that im finding out about this stuff is becuase id like to know what can be done if she ever wants to bring it up again since I will not unless there is a reason too.
thanks again for enlightening me everything helps me to understand further. -ConcernedBF-

[diana_holbourn]

I think it would be difficult to know how best to get her parents to believe her, especially if they know the friend's brother and feel sure he isn't the type of person who would do that. But it may help if she tells her parents how upset she was when they didn't believe her before. If she tells them about how her feelings were hurt when they didn't, they might take her more seriously.

It'll be a pity in a way if she doesn't take the matter to the authorities, because rapists tend to offend again and again. This long after the event, it might not do any good to take it to the authorities, but if she can think of people who she remembers began to behave strangely around him, like making sure they were never alone with him, trying to avoid company if he was a part of it, or suddenly stopping coming to the house, it may be that he assaulted them too, and it might be worth her contacting them and saying she's worried this man's a sex offender and asking if they know anything about it. They would have to be people she was willing to talk about her own experiences to. If a group can be got together, they'll be more convincing to the authorities and courts than just one person. But they would all have to be prepared to answer questions as to why they didn't come forward before, among other ones that might be upsetting to answer.

But if trying to think about or organising that soon would mean she gets distressed all over again when she's trying to study for important exams that could determine what happens in the rest of her life, it might be best if she doesn't do anything that would upset her enough to affect those.

[ConcernedBF]

Thank you very much for the advice!!!!!! you have no idea how just talking with someone that knows more about this topic than I do means to me. You are a very nice person thnx! If I have anymore questions ill come and ask you again. Thanks again! -ConcernedBF-