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**myhome** · 9 February 2013, 09:54 PM

So sorry to read this - in your county there should be a rape crisis centre that you can contact - if you can't find reference to it, ask your GP or CAB - be strong and people with more knnowledge than me will be along shorlty to help.....

**Ginger** · 9 February 2013, 10:32 PM

Originally posted by myhome View Post

So sorry to read this - in your county there should be a rape crisis centre that you can contact - if you can't find reference to it, ask your GP or CAB - be strong and people with more knnowledge than me will be along shorlty to help.....

Thank you for your reply - I have been in touch with my local rape crisis via the police contact I had. I did get some counselling too, I'm struggling more now than I thought I would.
My husband has been very supportive, but is unaware of the extent of what went on that night as I just can't bring myself to tell him, he knows there was more than one man involved, but I have kept a lot of detail from him.
I was unaware of all but one flash back. The police provided me with information at the point it was decided things could not go any further from a legal point.
I feel like this is just too much for me to cope with, I'm a strong woman normally but right now I just want to pack a bag and run away from all of this. Starting again feels like it would be so much easier.
I love my husband but I just don't know how we get over this.
Sorry I'm rambling! Thanks again

**RFLH** · 9 February 2013, 11:06 PM

Ginger - its not going to happen overnight - give yourself some time to come to terms with it and then you can start to help yourself.

First off I believe you and its a crying shame that the 'men' in question can't be brought to justice. Is there any way you can tell your husband? It would help you a great deal if you can share the burden. Or any friends you can talk to - talking is good.

Have you been to see your GP? He will be able to send you for counselling, you should find it very helpful.

Hopefully our mod Friday will be along at some point and she will be able to offer her advice.

Well done for posting, I hope it will help you.

**Ginger** · 9 February 2013, 11:13 PM

RFLH - thank you, just to have someone unconnected say they believe me means a great deal to me.
I've really hit rock bottom with this, I have sooo many issues it would take me all night to list!
I'm seeing loads of posts on here from people who are going to court, or people who don't know if they should report. But no one seems to be in this position of having found the strength and courage to report it. All for nothing. To just be made to feel like I'm the one in the wrong.
If anyone is reading this and is in this situation too - please please please post.
I've never felt so alone.
Thanks again x

**RFLH** · 9 February 2013, 11:46 PM

You are not alone in how you're feeling - and I'm hoping that mod Friday will be able to offer you her advice as she went through two trials to no avail.

Have you real life friends that you can talk to?

**Ginger** · 9 February 2013, 11:55 PM

Yes I do & I have spoken to them, just wanted to speak to someone who has had a similar experience.
Sorry I have off loaded a lot without meaning to.
Thanks again x

**RFLH** · 10 February 2013, 12:03 AM

thats what the site is for - it can help to offload to strangers and I'm pleased that you have others that you can talk to as well.

Its not very often that there isn't someone here to talk to - I'm occassionally here at stupid o'clock in the night!

**Saffron** · 11 February 2013, 07:38 PM

Ginger, 6 months is no time at all! Be a little bit kinder to yourself

It takes time to get over something like this. I don't think anyone really recovers....they just learn to deal with it.
Did the police/CPS give you any idea why the case wouldn't be proceeding? Your SOIT officer should have given you some indication.
Regardless, you did the right thing. If anyone elase makes a complaint against these mes, either as a group or individually, your conplaint will show on their record. You have been very brave. Don't forget that

**friday** · 12 February 2013, 12:36 AM

Hi Ginger,

You've been through a horrific ordeal and that understandably takes a long time to recover from. Please don't beat yourself up for not being "over it", it is still very raw and you are still processing what has happened. I'm sorry to hear that police haven't been supportive. It is very hard to get a conviction for rape and sometimes they can come across as brutal or uncaring by basically telling you there is no chance of a conviction. All the questions about how much you drunk etc can also come across as disbelief but it is actually to make sure they have the full picture. This does not mean they don't believe you, it simply means that there isn't enough evidence. I do wonder whether they actually think you're lying or that is really just what you fear though. Lots of victims of rape worry that people will blame them or they won't be believed and that is an understandable fear when many people blame victims for drinking or inviting a person to their house etc. It is never the victim's fault. It is always the fault of the rapists. You know what happened. Do the people who matter to you believe you? Can that be enough?

Have the police said at any point they don't believe you? If they have then it might be worth making a complaint. It's awful that you haven't been able to get justice and I imagine there is a lot of anger directed both at the perpetrators and at the "system" (or at least there was for me). It's perfectly normal to have those intense feelings of anger but unless you direct it somewhere healthy it will only harm you more. There are loads of ways to direct the anger healthily ranging from therapy to activism. Choose something that makes you feel better after getting angry, not something that makes you feel worse.

I'd encourage you to seek out further support either from rape crisis or another organisation. Here are some links: http://www.daftmoo.org.uk/mooforum/s...php?1011-Links and this is a Bristol based one: http://www.the-green-house.org.uk/

Sorry for the extremely long post. I'm just trying to write everything I can think of that might help (and there could well be more when I am not half asleep!)
I'm going to write a little bit about what happened to me in the hope that it can help you to see you are not alone and a great many people who go to the police don't get the right result.

In 2006 I was raped by an acquaintance. I had been drinking and I had smoked cannabis. Like in your case this is basically irrelevant. You were drugged, this means it doesn't matter whether you were drinking. You did not consent to taking whatever drug it was. I had been drinking but was sober enough to say no. For the first couple of months I appeared to be coping with life. I cracked after 4 months and was admitted to a psychiatric unit. I couldn't and wouldn't talk about what happened. A year after it happened I decided to report it to the police. I believed that he would be punished. After all, isn't that how it works? Two trials later he was found not guilty (2008). In the trials I was accused of all sorts and made to feel that I was to blame and that I was a liar. In court I fought with all I had but when I went home I played the events over and over to see if there was any truth to the accusations. I know what happened and I know it was not my fault but I blamed myself for putting myself in a dangerous situation. I was a wreck. I couldn't sleep for having nightmares, I was really thin and constantly terrified. My therapist couldn't work with me on any of the deep emotions because I was struggling just to get by day to day. I was so angry. I did a bit of volunteering with WAR but it was too soon. I wrote about what had happened and read one of my poems at an open mic night. It was terrifying but it felt good to speak out. I cried frequently and thought I would never move on with my life. I remained in this state of constant fear until about May last year when I finally got help from rape crisis. I joined a CBT based group for women who had been raped. It was one of the best things I have ever done. I haven't had a nightmare or flashback for months and although I still think about it every day it doesn't have the same emotional impact. Meeting other women was amazing. It made me feel like I was not alone.

So the point of that ramble was that it took me 6 years to actually begin moving on with my life. I hope it will be much sooner for you and the fact you are getting help now makes this much more likely. You will almost certainly go through a whole host of emotions and that is completely normal. Do something with the emotions rather than sit with them on your own. It isn't fair that rapists get away with their crimes but it doesn't change anything by you falling apart and feeling you are somehow to blame. Do something with the anger. Campaign, challenge people when they make ignorant remarks or jokes, speak out if that helps you. Look after yourself in anyway you can. Speak to people you trust, be that your partner, friends or professionals. If you can I really recommend a CBT based group or any group with other survivors. You know the truth. That is all that really matters

**Ginger** · 14 February 2013, 01:27 PM

Originally posted by friday View Post

Hi Ginger,

You've been through a horrific ordeal and that understandably takes a long time to recover from. Please don't beat yourself up for not being "over it", it is still very raw and you are still processing what has happened. I'm sorry to hear that police haven't been supportive. It is very hard to get a conviction for rape and sometimes they can come across as brutal or uncaring by basically telling you there is no chance of a conviction. All the questions about how much you drunk etc can also come across as disbelief but it is actually to make sure they have the full picture. This does not mean they don't believe you, it simply means that there isn't enough evidence. I do wonder whether they actually think you're lying or that is really just what you fear though. Lots of victims of rape worry that people will blame them or they won't be believed and that is an understandable fear when many people blame victims for drinking or inviting a person to their house etc. It is never the victim's fault. It is always the fault of the rapists. You know what happened. Do the people who matter to you believe you? Can that be enough?

Have the police said at any point they don't believe you? If they have then it might be worth making a complaint. It's awful that you haven't been able to get justice and I imagine there is a lot of anger directed both at the perpetrators and at the "system" (or at least there was for me). It's perfectly normal to have those intense feelings of anger but unless you direct it somewhere healthy it will only harm you more. There are loads of ways to direct the anger healthily ranging from therapy to activism. Choose something that makes you feel better after getting angry, not something that makes you feel worse.

I'd encourage you to seek out further support either from rape crisis or another organisation. Here are some links: http://www.daftmoo.org.uk/mooforum/s...php?1011-Links and this is a Bristol based one: http://www.the-green-house.org.uk/

Sorry for the extremely long post. I'm just trying to write everything I can think of that might help (and there could well be more when I am not half asleep!)
I'm going to write a little bit about what happened to me in the hope that it can help you to see you are not alone and a great many people who go to the police don't get the right result.

In 2006 I was raped by an acquaintance. I had been drinking and I had smoked cannabis. Like in your case this is basically irrelevant. You were drugged, this means it doesn't matter whether you were drinking. You did not consent to taking whatever drug it was. I had been drinking but was sober enough to say no. For the first couple of months I appeared to be coping with life. I cracked after 4 months and was admitted to a psychiatric unit. I couldn't and wouldn't talk about what happened. A year after it happened I decided to report it to the police. I believed that he would be punished. After all, isn't that how it works? Two trials later he was found not guilty (2008). In the trials I was accused of all sorts and made to feel that I was to blame and that I was a liar. In court I fought with all I had but when I went home I played the events over and over to see if there was any truth to the accusations. I know what happened and I know it was not my fault but I blamed myself for putting myself in a dangerous situation. I was a wreck. I couldn't sleep for having nightmares, I was really thin and constantly terrified. My therapist couldn't work with me on any of the deep emotions because I was struggling just to get by day to day. I was so angry. I did a bit of volunteering with WAR but it was too soon. I wrote about what had happened and read one of my poems at an open mic night. It was terrifying but it felt good to speak out. I cried frequently and thought I would never move on with my life. I remained in this state of constant fear until about May last year when I finally got help from rape crisis. I joined a CBT based group for women who had been raped. It was one of the best things I have ever done. I haven't had a nightmare or flashback for months and although I still think about it every day it doesn't have the same emotional impact. Meeting other women was amazing. It made me feel like I was not alone.

So the point of that ramble was that it took me 6 years to actually begin moving on with my life. I hope it will be much sooner for you and the fact you are getting help now makes this much more likely. You will almost certainly go through a whole host of emotions and that is completely normal. Do something with the emotions rather than sit with them on your own. It isn't fair that rapists get away with their crimes but it doesn't change anything by you falling apart and feeling you are somehow to blame. Do something with the anger. Campaign, challenge people when they make ignorant remarks or jokes, speak out if that helps you. Look after yourself in anyway you can. Speak to people you trust, be that your partner, friends or professionals. If you can I really recommend a CBT based group or any group with other survivors. You know the truth. That is all that really matters

Friday - thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me, your words have made me cry. It's so comforting to know that I'm not alone. I'm sure your words will help me more than you can know. More from me later though when I'm not upset.
Thank you again x

**Faith** · 14 February 2013, 04:53 PM

Sorry for my late welcome Ginger. There's nothing I could possibly hope to add to Friday's wonderful post so I will just leave it as a welcome and I hope you find the support and help you require from here. Take Care

**friday** · 22 February 2013, 06:22 PM

Hi Ginger, just wondered how you are doing. Hope all is well.

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Drugged and raped - Feeling very alone

Drugged and raped - Feeling very alone

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