Please help - I don't know what to do - very difficult

[Rights Fighter]

He will not learn from this if you deny what he did. You may not feel you can go through with the rape case but if you don't, there may well come a time when you wished you had done.

He has violated you not just once, but over a period of hours. Please do not let your pity allow him to escape his just deserts. He will get the help he needs for his alcohol and drug problems in prison, if he agrees to take the courses and learn from them.

He is no longer your responsibility.

You deserve better hon.

[cara]

I know what he did.

But that's my problem I can't go through the rest of my life hating him. I want to forgive him, I want him to get the help he needs. Part of me thinks I would support him still if he needed my help.

Would I have a relationship with him - never in a million years and he will never come near my children. But I need to forgive.

Will he get help with alcohol abuse and domestic violence in prison? Does this work?

Part of me feels sorry for him, its wrong I know, but he didn't have the best start in life. I am making excuses for him I know, he was adopted at 5 years old and was abused at 10 years old himself. He hadn't taken drugs for years, I know he was abused around Christmas time, so after 8 hours of drinking I can imagine his state of mind and in a way why he decided to take the coke maybe. It was playing on his mind days previously. No excuse for the evil he did that night, but he wasn't the man I knew. It was fueled by alcohol and cocaine. I don't even know what effect the cocaine would have had - I have never had any experience of any drug.

Someone tell me I am wrong, because this torment is driving me mad.

He made the worst mistake of his life, I have heard he had tried to take his life. Is it wrong to want to help the person who did this to me?

xx

[Rights Fighter]

Having him prosecuted for what he did to you does not mean that you have to hate him and that you cannot forgive him. Possibly it is the best thing you can do - he could do this again of course if he feels he can get away with it.

I find it hard to believe that he would use his own alleged sexual abuse as a child for sexually abusing you. Many people have been abused, and have drink/drug problems, but they do not go on to sexually abuse others, especially those they claim to love.

If you are looking for permission to go ahead with the prosecution, I have an idea that the general consensus here is that you do so. Nobody will think badly of you if you do.

Your healing needs to start and although he doesn't realise it, he needs you to get him to face his own demons, which is the start of the process.

An offence related course is as good as the person who undertakes it. It's the same when somebody has counselling. If they want it to work they will do all they can to make it work.

This would be his choice. Not yours. He is not your responsibility any more. He lost your care and respect when he brutally raped and sexually abused you over the period of several hours.

To use his own abuse as an excuse is despicable.

[cara]

Just to clarify he hasn't used this as an excuse, I am making excuses for him, I'm maybe trying to rationalise why or is there no motive?

[Rights Fighter]

Just to clarify he hasn't used this as an excuse, I am making excuses for him, I'm maybe trying to rationalise why or is there no motive?

Sorry hon, my mistake - speed reading and getting some of it wrong.

Would he accept guilt or would he go to trial? If he goes to trial then he would be calling you a liar and demeaning what he put you through, forcing you to relive it.

Let's look at it another way. Many people say that those who falsely accuse others of sexual offences do the genuine victims a massive disservice as sometimes they tend not to be believed. This is true.

On the other hand, those who report such (genuine) crimes and then retract the complaint, similarly do the falsely accused a massive disservice. If a genuine false accuser retracts, often then are not believed and accused of trying to 'protect' their assailant for whatever reason.

The police will try and they usually succeed in persuading the false accuser to proceed to trial, using threats of 'PCJ or 'wasting police time' if they do not, and the falsely accused person could then be sent to trial and wrongly convicted if the jury gets it wrong.

A false retraction does genuine victims of false allegations, and those who are to be falsely accused in the future, no favours at all.

I've known many cases where the false accuser who hadn't realised that their lies would go so far, or that they would have such devastating consequences for everybody concerned, attempt to retract and have been threatened by the OIC with prosecution if they do not continue. The OIC's promotion on the back of the case is often more important to them than the absolute truth.

Hon, nobody can make this decision for you. I know it if was me I would certainly take this to the end because in the back of my mind would be the question: 'could he do this again?'

Take care and look after yourself.

[cara]

As far as I know from the police, he has said we started to have sex and I panicked and he stopped (only tried sex once according to him)and he says it was consensual, I am assuming he therefore would plead not guilty to rape charge.

But he has admitted to hitting me so I am assuming he would plead guilty to assault.

Due to my 2nd statement and the fact I do not wish to support prosecution in court I am expecting they will drop charge from Rape to assault and he will plead guilty and serve whatever punishment they decide on.

Only time will tell.

[cara]

Just an update:

He was due back at the police station this morning and was re-bailed to return in 2 weeks for charging. Looks like they are gathering evidence to go ahead with a charge for rape.

[RFLH]

its difficult to get your head round it, but keep posting - it does help to talk it out.

[myhome]

Hi Cara - this is really hard for you - but remember we're all here to support you and help you through this really terrible situation....

[Rights Fighter]

As far as I know from the police, he has said we started to have sex and I panicked and he stopped (only tried sex once according to him)and he says it was consensual, I am assuming he therefore would plead not guilty to rape charge.

..............................

This is very different from your version of events. He's now calling you a liar. Do you still want to support him and pretend this never happened?

I know it must be so difficult hon but like I said before, if he gets away with it this time he could well believe he can do this again.

I do hope you have plenty of one to one support to help you through this really difficult time

[SillyMoo]

Just to clarify he hasn't used this as an excuse, I am making excuses for him, I'm maybe trying to rationalise why or is there no motive?

I know this thread has been inactive but just wanted to say to the OP that what you're thinking, is basically a defense mechanism of your brain. You're making excuses for him because your mind is having a hard time reconciling your partner (the person you loved) with the monster who attacked you. Your mind knows it happened, so its trying to come up with an acceptable set of circumstances as to why it happened because surely someone who loved you could never do that to you. Your mind has came up with drugs/drink because that makes it more "acceptable" (or perhaps easier to believe would be a better phrase).

You're effectively trying to rationalise his behaviour but imo....its impossible since his behaviour was anything but rational.

Your first post spoke volumes to me as you seem to be putting his welfare and ordeal before your own. To me it signals that you are either having a very hard time accepting what happened (understandably) and trying to mark him as a victim so you feel less like the victim (displacement), or that perhaps your relationship wasnt as healthy as you originally believed. I mean no offence by what I say and I apologise if i've overstepped. But what you're doing isnt uncommon at all (especially in those 2 examples I said above).

Its important you remember that YOU are the victim here, not him. I realise you still may have feelings for him and blame the drink/drugs but remember, even if it was just purely the drugs/drink...he made a fully conscious decision to ingest those substances to a point where he was not in control. He is still responsible for his actions, even if indirectly.