Can't get over it, still, begginning to feel depressed, self harm thoughts

[Hannah]

Hi, okay so I got raped when I was drunk nearly 5 months ago. I've been on this site before and it helped me clear my head a bit, so thank you. I have counselling sessions arranged for the 16th of January which I'm hoping will help me, but until then, I need someone to talk to. Lately I've noticed that I've been very down and after some googling I found that I matched pretty much all the symptoms for depression. Is this because I actually suffer from depression, or is it a reaction from the rape? Through further looking into it, websites said that symptoms of depression from rape fade after a couple of months, and its nearly been 5. Yesterday I burnt my leg with my straightners. I was feeling down and my boyfriend was busy and couldnt talk and I was reading over some notes I wrote about how I'm feeling (They're like a journal and letters to my boyfriend about what happened, and letters to my rapist about how angry and weak and naive I feel) I haven't told my boyfriend about the straightners, I don't know how he'd react. But I'm scared I'll keep doing it, I feel to weak to fight my own thoughts. What's wrong with me, why am I like this, how can anyone help me, what can I do to stop myself, why am I such a mess?!?!???!

[myhome]

Hi Hannah
Please check your PM box
myhome

[RFLH]

Hannah, you've gone through something terrible, you can't expect to get over in a few months - just because a book says so. Have you tried Rape Crisis? They're very good.

Please try not to get into the habit of self-harming - it may provide temporary relief, but that's all.

Keep coming to post, it may not be the same as talking to someone face to face - but we do care.

You are depressed, please go and see your doctor - he may be able to give you meds for the short term and put you forward for counselling.

Please take care of yourself.

[myhome]

Hi Hannah
How are you?
MH

[Faith]

Hannah, I recall speaking to you last time you came here and I am glad you have found the strength to find us again.
It is very normal for you to feel as if you are on an emotional rollercoaster. Some days you will feel next to normal whereas others you will hit rock bottom.

No website can tell you how long depression will last. What I do know is that you need to be seeking help and posting here is the first step. Please keep coming back. In the meantime, consider seeing your GP.

Perhaps when you have a clear head you could ask your partner to hide the hair straighteners from you. You could do yourself some serious damage and scarring if you persist with that. I would trust your boyfriend with your fears. If he has listened and been a rock after you told him about the rape, I am sure he will understand the self harm and do his best to support you.

Take him with you when you see your GP

[Faith]

Exercise is an excellent idea

[friday]

Hi Hannah,
Firstly I just wanted to say there is no "normal" reaction to rape. Some people seem to move forward with their lives quickly and with little support, others take much longer and need more support. I'm not a doctor so couldn't possibly begin to tell you whether what your experiencing is depression or a reaction to rape or if it's depression which is a reaction to rape. I'm glad you have some counselling organised. Was that through you doctor? If not it may be worth talking to your GP if you feel comfortable. It's really good you're writing things down. I found that really helpful but like you I sometimes picked the stuff I'd written up and it brought back too many painful memories to deal with. I've self-harmed for a lot of years and the only thing I've found helpful is distraction. Sometimes five minutes is all it takes for the intensity of the emotion to pass. Could you try making a cup of tea, going for a walk or ringing a friend? It sounds like your boyfriend is very supportive so maybe try opening up to him about the self harm and the feelings?
Finally I think it is important to make clear that 5 months isn't a long time when you consider what a massive trauma you've been through. There really is no time scale for recovery but I would be very surprised to meet a rape survivor who was 100% ok after 5 months.

[myhome]

Hannah,


When you harm yourself the body secretes hormones to counteract the pain. It's not the pain that makes you feel better (even if only for a short while) it is the hormones that are released to counteract the pain. That is often the confusion made when people self harm, they think it is the pain making things a little better .

There are many and varied reasons for self harm and they are as individual as the individual who is doing it. As one who has self-harmed I can say that my reasons were: 1. The physical pain was much easier to endure than the emotional pain and so the physical pain at the time masked the emotional pain and I wanted the physical pain to take away the emotional pain because I didn't know how to cope with it; and 2. It was a "punishment" for being an inadequate human being at that time. 3. If people saw the results of the self harm, then they might begin to understand the emotional pain I was going through, because emotional pain has few visible signs......it was a way of saying, "This is how much I hurt..."

[Rights Fighter]

Hannah

Diana Holbourn who is webmoo's, sister specialises in self-help. Have a look at her links here:

http://www.broadcaster.org.uk/sectio...riosindex.html and select the bits you think might relate to you.

[Saffron]

Hi Hannah

Excellent advice so far.
In practical terms I can't really add anything, but I wanted to say that 5 months is no time at all. Hold on tight. You have taken the first step - talking about it.
Hugs.