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Hi all,
I'll start by saying that I'm 19 years old and have suffered from anxiety,depression and low self esteem for a number of years now. I am constantly making bad life choices that I know will lead to failure or hurt. I have tried for so long to figure out why I continue to let myself down and have had cbt and counselling but nothing has seemed to work. I had a normal upbringing with nothing significant that would make me feel like this. However, after thinking about my past recently I finally remembered...
Back when I was 14/15 I was hanging around with the wrong crowd at school, my best friend at the time came from a rather dysfunctional house and her parents let her do whatever she wanted. So I would tell my mum that I was going to hers for a sleepover and we would go out to illegal raves until around 5 in the morning. I never took drugs but I did drink when I was there. At one of these raves we met a guy (I'll call him Tom although that's not his real name) who was 21 at the time. He was a nice guy and even now I hold nothing against him, although it was a bit unusual that he would want to hang around with girls as young as that..
Anyway we made friends with him and got his number and every time we were bored or wanted to go out we would go round to his flat. Like I say I think for him he just enjoyed our company (as young as we were) however his flatmate always seemed a little bit creepy to me. He would sit there staring whilst we were all having fun and talking. Apparently he was a family friend of Tom's and allowed him to live there for a fairly cheap price so that's why he lived with him despite their differences. He was also 21. To cut a long story short, one night we went round to the flat without asking first whether Tom was in. When we got there his flatmate answered the door and said he would be back soon and we should come in and wait. He had a friend round and they were drinking so we thought we might as well join them for a bit while we waited. The next part of this story is actually really hard to even write down, because it still fills me with shame and regret..
After a few hours had passed me and my friend had had quite a few drinks and it was getting quite late. Tom had still yet to return and as it turns out he had actually gone out for the whole night, little did we know at the time. It was late by this point and we were tired. Tom's flatmate and his friend said that if we liked we could use both the rooms to go to sleep because they had planned to stay up for most of the night. As it would have taken us a good hour to walk home we decided to take up their offer and go to bed. As I got into bed I heard the flatmates friend go into the room that my friend was in..I've already said that she was from an unstable family and she was a lot more off the rails than I was as I'd only had sex with one other person before this she had been with quite a few guys.
As time went on I could hear them having sex and all I was thinking was I need to leave and get out of here but I can't leave her. So I stayed and tried to get to sleep. But shortly after the door opens and Tom's flatmate walks in. He came and started talking to me and because I din't want to be rude seen as it was his room I didn't tell him to leave. This is when he approaches the bed and starts kissing me. At this time in my life I had absolutely no authority and didn't feel confident enough to tell him to get off me. So I kissed him back because I didn't want him to get upset or angry. Then he got into bed and started taking his clothes off, took my clothes off and climbed on top on me. I still to this day don't know why I didn't tell him to stop, but I'm so sure he could tell that I wasn't into it. It lasted for what seems like hours and it was the most uncomfortable experience of my life. He was almost suffocating me and was breathing really loud and sweating all over me. He asked at one point why I wasn't into it in an aggressive manner, but didn't even wait for a reply before he carried on. After it was over it was the early hours of the morning and the sun was coming up. I got dressed immediately and told him I was going home. He simply shrugged. So I went into the other room to get my friend and we left.
When we got outside she was laughing and joking about her and that guy and I said nothing. I never returned to that flat or spoke to Tom for a while. I saw his flatmate in the pub one night about a year later and I heard him say very loudly to his friend that he'd had sex with me. I said nothing and walked off feeling physically sick at the sight of him. Since then my I have only ever chosen sexual partners who disrespect me and devalue me. I see sex as a performance and have never had an orgasm because I simply don't enjoy it. I have a good group of friends now and managed to get into uni this year but it just always seems like something isn't right. Nice guys physically repulse me and I have never had a serious relationship, nor do I ever see myself succeeding at anything. Does anyone think that this could be related to that experience? I have genuinely blocked it out of my head for years until the other day. I feel no emotion about it just numbness.
Any input would be appreciated, thankyou for taking the time to read this
I'll start by saying that I'm 19 years old and have suffered from anxiety,depression and low self esteem for a number of years now. I am constantly making bad life choices that I know will lead to failure or hurt. I have tried for so long to figure out why I continue to let myself down and have had cbt and counselling but nothing has seemed to work. I had a normal upbringing with nothing significant that would make me feel like this. However, after thinking about my past recently I finally remembered...
Back when I was 14/15 I was hanging around with the wrong crowd at school, my best friend at the time came from a rather dysfunctional house and her parents let her do whatever she wanted. So I would tell my mum that I was going to hers for a sleepover and we would go out to illegal raves until around 5 in the morning. I never took drugs but I did drink when I was there. At one of these raves we met a guy (I'll call him Tom although that's not his real name) who was 21 at the time. He was a nice guy and even now I hold nothing against him, although it was a bit unusual that he would want to hang around with girls as young as that..
Anyway we made friends with him and got his number and every time we were bored or wanted to go out we would go round to his flat. Like I say I think for him he just enjoyed our company (as young as we were) however his flatmate always seemed a little bit creepy to me. He would sit there staring whilst we were all having fun and talking. Apparently he was a family friend of Tom's and allowed him to live there for a fairly cheap price so that's why he lived with him despite their differences. He was also 21. To cut a long story short, one night we went round to the flat without asking first whether Tom was in. When we got there his flatmate answered the door and said he would be back soon and we should come in and wait. He had a friend round and they were drinking so we thought we might as well join them for a bit while we waited. The next part of this story is actually really hard to even write down, because it still fills me with shame and regret..
After a few hours had passed me and my friend had had quite a few drinks and it was getting quite late. Tom had still yet to return and as it turns out he had actually gone out for the whole night, little did we know at the time. It was late by this point and we were tired. Tom's flatmate and his friend said that if we liked we could use both the rooms to go to sleep because they had planned to stay up for most of the night. As it would have taken us a good hour to walk home we decided to take up their offer and go to bed. As I got into bed I heard the flatmates friend go into the room that my friend was in..I've already said that she was from an unstable family and she was a lot more off the rails than I was as I'd only had sex with one other person before this she had been with quite a few guys.
As time went on I could hear them having sex and all I was thinking was I need to leave and get out of here but I can't leave her. So I stayed and tried to get to sleep. But shortly after the door opens and Tom's flatmate walks in. He came and started talking to me and because I din't want to be rude seen as it was his room I didn't tell him to leave. This is when he approaches the bed and starts kissing me. At this time in my life I had absolutely no authority and didn't feel confident enough to tell him to get off me. So I kissed him back because I didn't want him to get upset or angry. Then he got into bed and started taking his clothes off, took my clothes off and climbed on top on me. I still to this day don't know why I didn't tell him to stop, but I'm so sure he could tell that I wasn't into it. It lasted for what seems like hours and it was the most uncomfortable experience of my life. He was almost suffocating me and was breathing really loud and sweating all over me. He asked at one point why I wasn't into it in an aggressive manner, but didn't even wait for a reply before he carried on. After it was over it was the early hours of the morning and the sun was coming up. I got dressed immediately and told him I was going home. He simply shrugged. So I went into the other room to get my friend and we left.
When we got outside she was laughing and joking about her and that guy and I said nothing. I never returned to that flat or spoke to Tom for a while. I saw his flatmate in the pub one night about a year later and I heard him say very loudly to his friend that he'd had sex with me. I said nothing and walked off feeling physically sick at the sight of him. Since then my I have only ever chosen sexual partners who disrespect me and devalue me. I see sex as a performance and have never had an orgasm because I simply don't enjoy it. I have a good group of friends now and managed to get into uni this year but it just always seems like something isn't right. Nice guys physically repulse me and I have never had a serious relationship, nor do I ever see myself succeeding at anything. Does anyone think that this could be related to that experience? I have genuinely blocked it out of my head for years until the other day. I feel no emotion about it just numbness.
Any input would be appreciated, thankyou for taking the time to read this
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