raped

[Jess]

I was raped in January this year. The only person I've tried talking to about it is my husband but he doesnt seem to believe me, and doesnt really understand what I'm going through. I cant talk to anyone else about it. I dont feel like myself anymore. I feel like I'm to blame. I shouldnt have been around his house in the first place. I was scared. Had a strange sensation of my mind leaving my body whilst it was happening, but now its reconnected and I feel like I will never be me again. I'm so confused. I keep getting panic attacks when I'm out. The flashbacks are getting worse over time. I want them to go away. It's like being raped over and over again, constantly being tormented with it, I see his face and he is laughing at me. When I'm out, I feel suspicious of everyone, as if they intend to do me harm or something. I dont even know whether what I'm feeling is normal.

[karen]

Hi Jess,

Don?t blame yourself for what has happened - you have the right to be wherever you choose whenever you want - nobody has the right to violate your body. The fear you are feeling is completely normal but this will get better with time. With regards your partner he should be more supportive although I can sympathise as my partners reaction was "why does bad stuff happen to me?" - he saw himself as a victim instead of offering the support I needed. I was also told to stop crying as what had happened could not be changed. Some men find rape a difficult subject to talk about and in some cases feel as though their "property"has been violated. This lack of support may be his way of dealing with the issue by way of denial.
I found that the best way to deal with the aftermath is to confide in other family, friends or by way of support forums like these. Counselling works for some although I only attended one session which at least allowed me to voice everything to a stranger and release the pain I was feeling. The memory of your rape will not disappear but with time it will fade and you will come out the other side as a stronger person.
Sending you lots of love and support. xxx

[Jess]

Thank you so much for replying. I feel so isolated with what has happened to me. I dont want to burden my family with what has happened and feel the need to communicate with people who understand what I'm going through, cos nobody really understands unless its happened to them. I feel not only my body has been defiled but my mind as well. I feel unclean and like an object instead of a human being. Will that get better with time as well? Please advise on how to deal with the flashbacks, they can be so frightening, it's like I'm actually there again, and if someone is talking to me their voice seems to be coming from a different plane of existence or something, and is so quiet and far away. I want them to do something to shake me out of it, but I cant talk when it's happening, it's a living nightmare. I feel so much hatred towards the person who did this to me. I also discovered I was pregnant after the rape, and didnt know whether it was his or my husbands. I dont believe in abortion, but arranged to have one, I couldnt bear the thought of carrying a rapists child. I miscarred it before the abortion appointment, but still feel like a murderer, and I feel confused because there are so many mixed feelings. I want to grieve for it, if it was my husbands child, but its the not knowing. I took an overdose just over a week ago, and was in hospital for 6 days. I felt terrified being there, particularly at night time. I feel so ashamed, and I feel even more worthless now, but at the same time I feel angry that I nearly threw my life away cos of what he did to me.

[nat5239]

sorry to hear that you have been thro this terrible ordeal, I understand completey, it is difficult for other people to understand just like its hard for yourself to understand. You are probably feeling up and down with your emotions, i felt like this for 2 years untill i got help. I wish now that i had gt counselling from the start. i would advise you to go to counselling as soon as you feel up to it, im sure your husband will support you.

Just be patient, counselling is strange at first but things start to get easier. Its much easier to take to people who do not know you and will not judge you. Do not let this monster take over your soul. Be safe and good luck with everything you do

natalie

[diana_holbourn]

You may have post traumatic stress disorder, which is a well-known condition.

Don't blame yourself for what happened; after all, I don't suppose you knew you were putting yourself at risk, and even if you did, you can reassure yourself that his actions were his own responsibility, not yours.

With panic attacks and flashbacks, one technique that can help is if you can tell your brain to stop it, if possible, at the very first inkling you have that one's coming on. Certainly with panic attacks, if you have a feeling that one might be coming on, it'll be more likely to come on if you worry that it will, because the more anxious you are, the more the body increases the physical symptoms you get with panic attacks, because it thinks you're in danger, and so you get the symptoms you do when the body needs to perform at its best so it can fight or run away. Some of the physical symptoms are caused because the body's releasing adrenaline, and pumping blood away from the digestive system where it doesn't need it right this minute to the muscles in the arms and legs where it just might. If when you get the unpleasant sensations you start to worry that a panic attack's coming on, the body increases the symptoms, because the worry sends it a signal that it's in danger so it needs to do more to help you perform at your best, and when the symptoms increase, you feel more anxious because you're even more sure that a panic attack's coming on, and it quickly spirals upwards like that till you do develop a full-blown panic attack. So if at the very first feeling of uneasiness you can do something to stop it, even if it's not real anxiety but just a bit of tension, since the process can happen so quickly, you can avoid panicking. Just telling your brain to stop it won't work on its own, because you need other thoughts to replace the horrible ones or they won't go away. So it can help if you can think of everything you can that you can think of to distract yourself from your feelings as soon as you feel uneasy, and try to focus on it as much as possible, for instance everything you can see and hear around you, and the texture of anything you're touching. So if you can hear people talking around you, you can try to distinguish what each one is saying. You could try counting the number of cars of a particular colour that go by in a minute. Or you could think about a song you like and try to remember all its lyrics. Or you could pick up a book upside down and try to decipher the words. Or maybe try to think of the layout of a computer keyboard and work out what words you could type with one hand on one side of it. That kind of thing.

And while you're distracting yourself, it can help if you try to breathe in a steady, slow rhythm as well, like slowly counting to four while you breathe in and four when you breathe out again, through your nose with your mouth shut, or through your mouth with it partly closed, so the breath has to slow down. If you can slow your breathing down, it can stop the physical symptoms of panic, because they're partly caused when you breathe too fast, and you breathe out too much carbon dioxide. The body needs a bit of carbon dioxide. So breathing slowly can stop that happening and restore the balance of oxygen and carbon dioxide , so the symptoms will go away quicker. The body will restore the balance on its own after a while if you don't, but if you do, it'll manage it quicker.

It'll be easier to do the slow breathing while you distract yourself if you practise it beforehand, so it starts to come naturally. It can be useful to practise it a few times a day, for a few minutes each time, at first lying down or sitting comfortably when you do, but then standing up and then moving around, so you're practising it in situations that are more like the ones you might be in when you have a panic attack.

It can help if you practise the distraction techniques as well before you have to use them, by sitting somewhere where you know you're going to be able to find a lot of things that will distract you, and thinking a tiny little anxious thought and then telling your brain to stop immediately, and refocusing your mind on all the things around you. The more you practise, the more naturally it will come to you when you need it. The more naturally it comes, the sooner you can get into it when you need it, and the sooner you can do that, the more chance you'll have of stopping the anxiety in its tracks, because it's easier to stop it before it's really got going.

There's an article on coping with flashbacks which advises similar techniques, as well as a couple of other things, like immersing your face in very cold water if you can, which will make the brain interrupt what it's doing and focus on what it needs to do to make sure you're allright: Coping with Flashbacks: Goals and Techniques for Handling the Memories.

It may be that not everything in the article is correct, and the author says it's been a few years and he's still got flashbacks, but that doesn't mean everyone will have them that long.

[diana_holbourn]

And another thing: Don't let yourself continue to feel worthless and like an object; just because you weren't valued as anything more by someone, his attitude shouldn't count; you can remind yourself that you do have worth. And you might not have handled things recently as well as you could have, but it's easy to handle things badly under stress.

Think through your life, from when you were a teenager to the present, trying to remember all the things you've achieved in that time. Write them all down. It could be educational achievements, or problems you had that you managed to resolve successfully, or whatever. When you've thought of everything you can, go through the list, asking yourself what skills and qualities of character you needed to achieve those things. Write those down as well. Then every time you start to feel bad about yourself, look at the list.

[karen]

hi jess
i still experience flashbacks although not in as much detail as before. i tend to see his face in my mind but it is no longer accompanied by such strong feelings. i do tend to stop myself as soon as i feel this starting up and busy myself with other things. you may also be grieving for the baby which you miscarried. it may help you to know that i also discovered i was pregnant shortly after my attack and was unsure whether it was my partners or not. i chose to clinically terminate the pregnancy as i was not stable enough to deal with a pregnancy even if it had been my partners. it was a traumatic time as i had previously suffered 2 miscarriages and doubted my ability to have children. 6 months later i became pregnant again and now have a beautiful 2 year old who has given me hope and keeps me so busy that i do not have time to dwell on past experiences. please contact your doctor or a professional as you will be struggling with both the rape and the miscarriage. your partner also needs to know that you really need his support, if conversation is difficult then try writing it down. i understand how difficult it is to "burden" your family but they will be a massive support. obviously they will be hurting but once they get over the initial shock you will find that you release part of your own burden, it allows people to understand changes in your mood or personality.personally i have dealt with my experience by dismissing it as a regrettable one night stand (not the truth- it was rape) and therefore tried to remove the importance in my own mind. look after yourself, work on feeling good about yourself and talk to somebody about it. thinking of you.xx