Love of my life raped

[David Parker]

My girlfriend who I met two months ago was date raped and became shattered emotionally and mentally. She has trouble going down dark hallways and until recently wouldn't sleep. Before that happened she had been molested as young child and in her teenage years.
This broke my heart amazingly because it's so unfair and one sided. She doesn't even have a big sense that she hasn't desereved it, or that she's there for something other than sex. She got pregenant by her boss at the age of 19 when he was 32, but she says her child helped save her from commiting suicide or self destructing completely.
I have been abused as a kid verbally, so fell in love with her because she knows what fear is and what living life without trust is like. I swore to be there for her and still have visions of finding and beating the person who raped her, however pointless that would be.
But I have my own problems. I wanted to be able to be her boyfriend without having any difficulty in letting her set the pace and have control sexually but I can't take it when she rejects me. I feel like it destroying me.
I am deeply ashamed because I got angry three times when I felt like she rejected me and this of course made her really angry, because I said I would be there for her and understanding. And that has been my intention all along. I just get devastated by the rejection and am very surprised by how strong my hurt feelings get.
I just want to get over my petty feelings but I find it really hard. I need advice from people if they have any, because I love her and hate this side of me. Thanks for this website and for helping people survive.

[diana_holbourn]

It might be reassuring for you to know more about the feelings people who've been raped can have when having sex with people they love, so you'll know that it isn't you that's being rejected; it's just that sex can remind people of the abuse they've suffered. Even if they're sure you'd never do anything like that to them, they won't be able to help their feelings. You may be able to think of other things you can do that reassure you of her feelings towards you. If you can devote your attention to thinking of things that might help her increase her worth as a fully-rounded person, encouraging her to develop her talents and giving her the confidence to use them, you may find that your relationship improves quite a bit, and she may eventually develop a more positive attitude to the sexual aspect of her nature, along with the rest of it. And it's likely that the more supportive you are towards her, the more her feelings towards you will grow. There's quite a bit of advice on this site about the supportive things partners of rape victims can do. Also, it may help her if you try to think of everything you can that she's good at, or good ways in which you know she's coped with things in the past, and remind her of them, encouraging her quite a bit.

But here's an article about what can put rape victims off sex with people who love them, so you'll understand more about what might be going on in her mind when you feel she's rejecting you: Dealing With Flashbacks During Sexual Intimacy.

You may also be able to advise her of things she can do to calm herself down in places where she now feels anxious. It can help a person if they slow their breathing down, for instance, breathing in slowly to the count of four, and then breathing out slowly to the count of four, closing the mouth and breathing through the nose. At the same time, it can help a person to tell themselves to stop thinking the thoughts that make them anxious, as soon as possible after they start thinking them, and then to focus their minds and all their senses as much as possible on things that are going on around them, like the way the people around them are dressed, what sounds they can hear, whether they can pick out people's conversations, the texture of the ground they're walking on, and anything else they can think of that will fill their minds with things other than the anxious thoughts. It might take a bit of practice, especially if the anxious thoughts keep coming back and they have to tell themselves to stop and concentrate afresh on things around them more than once, but if they can start trying to do the techniques the instant they start to feel anxious, it can begin to help quite a bit. The earlier they can start distracting themselves like that and calming themselves down by breathing slowly and steadily the better, because it's easier to stop anxiety in its tracks before it's taken ahold.