Just want to talk

[onlyme]

I was raped by my (then) husband 3 and a half years ago and most days I get by with only a passing thought about it but it keeps cropping up in my mind and still affects me. I've told hardly anyone about it and I really wish I had, but I just wanted to keep it to myself at the time and now its too late to tell anyone really close, because they'd want to know why I hadn't told them before. Now more and more people I know, or people I hear of are speaking out about their experiences and I really admire them but in a way I feel even worse because I wish I could talk about how I feel openly like that. It sounds horrible and sort of vain but I just want to be able to talk about how I'm feeling but there never seems to be a right time or the right person, which is why I was glad to find this message board.

I somehow feel bad about talking about it because I know many people have been through far far worse and what happened to me was very 'mild' but I just can't forget about it.

My ex husband was extremely controlling and tried to control me in any way he could, like lashing out, making sure I was scared of him, criticising anything about me he could. And naturally I wasn't very interested in sex because of all this. He also used to keep me up late into the night talking about anything because I'd be really tired and desperate to go to sleep but would be trying hard not to because he'd get really angry. I used to have to get up early in the morning but he'd sleep in and stay up late at night.

One night the same thing was happening and he wanted to have sex but I was really tired. I dozed off while he was talking and then he got angry and I tried to pretend I hadn't been asleep and had been listening to him but he got angrier and angry because I wanted to go to sleep instead of have sex with him. Then he pinned me down and made me. After what seemed like a few minutes he got off me and I ran into another room and was going to phone the police but he laughed and said he was only trying to scare me so that I wouldn't lie to him. I was still really scared of him so in the end I went back to bed and said nothing about it. I just felt really confused and embarrassed, and I couldn't even work out if it really was rape or not.

The next day I just wanted to shut it all out and forget it and he hadn't bruised me or anything so I didn't think there was anything I could do. It took me months to work up the courage to leave him and even now only a couple of my friends know.

I don't know what I can do, I just keep feeling like I need to go over the details somehow, like it will eventually just go away.

[Rachel]

What happened to you was an awful ordeal but you have amitted it and this is the first step. Many people including myself would pretend it never happened and try to get on with their lives but there is always going to that time when it all catches up with you. I feel that you really did to talk to a close friend about it. They won't be upset because you hadn't told them before if they are really a good friend. I've said this before in other posts but you need support around you to deal with the after affects of what happened. If you really can't speak to a friend then get in touch with a councellor. It really does work. I went through rape crisis and they got me in touch with one through this was privately and I had to pay. It was really helpful in off loading my feelings and working different ways which I can deal with my feelings. But because of the cost I have had to stop seeing her and spoke to my GP who is referring me to an NHS councellor. So there are two ways to get in contact with on.

One thing I learnt from these sessions was how to deal with my anger. Instead of letting it eat me up inside it was suggested that I use it postively such as going for a run, screaming into a pillow and even cooking the tea where you are chopping up veg (this really worked for me as I was able to take my anger out on the poor veg). Find something postive you can do with these feelings, it does help I promise.

I hope this suggestions can help you. If you want a chat or more advise feel free to ask. I'll do my best to support you through this.

[onlyme]

Thanks for the reply Rachel. I'd like to talk to a counsellor but because I've got young kids I'd have to leave them with family and I couldn't bring myself to explain it all to them. I couldn't afford private counselling and there's no way I could bring myself to tell a gp. The only friends I've managed to tell are ones I don't see very much, so that I don't have to deal with seeing them and knowing that they know. I'd hate people seeing me and thinking about it, as if there's something wrong with me because of it - either feeling sorry for me or thinking I'm not normal. I'd rather just have everyone thinking I was normal and having a happy life, which I think I generally am apart from this.

I don't know if its the same for everyone but its the smallest little things that get to me the most. Like I keep wondering if he's in another relationship and maybe doing the same thing again and if he even realises he did anything wrong. I don't really feel angry about it, I just feel like I've been forced to keep it all secret and now I just want some sort of recognition that it did actually happen and that he was in the wrong. Again its little things that bother me, like he (naturally) used to laugh it off and after a few months even denied it happened.

It helps talking anonymously like this but I 'm really not sure what sort of real life help I could push myself to get. If I phoned a rape crisis line what would they offer?

The other thing is is there anything I could/should do legally? I know I couldn't press charges or anything like that but could I make a complaint or something and leave it at that, in case he ever did do the same thing again or worse?

[Rachel]

Rape crisis other me a chat over the phone and then arranged a meeting with them to discuss what to do next. In my area they can offer the odd chat with them but only one off sessions. The best thing to do this find the number for them in your area and contact them. They will be able to offer you advise of what to do next.

It's still not to late to involve the police there are been cases years old which have ended up in justise BUT what I will say is you really need to be sure that's what you want to do. It's an awful process to go through and you will need support to do it. I wish more people would report it to the police but because the process it puts you off many people don't. My case was dropped 5 months later because of the lack of evdience but even through I didn't get justise I know I've done all I could to protect others. So reporting it may help you to lay this to rest. It's a big decision to make and you need to sure you can cope with it. By reporting it you know you have done all you can. That helps me in some ways as if he does it again I know I did my best to stop it.

Is there any chance you could ask your family to like after them for a couple of hours so you can do the shopping or something like that so you could get to see the councellor? If you could tell them about it would be better but if you feel unable to then make an excuse. As you do have young children I feel you really need to sort you feelings out and put it straight in your head.

Your completly normal in the way you feel. My boyfriend could just touch me in the wrong way and it would set me off or walking down the street and hearing an accent like the person who did this to me. But now it's getting better and most of the triggers I can deal with. The healing process takes a long time. I've still got a long way to go but I'm so much happy now I'm facing up to it.
I know you will be to in time.
If it helps you talking on here, then I'm here for you.
Hope this helps you

[diana_holbourn]

There is a forum where people talk a lot more about their feelings and what actually happened than they do here. The same few people post lots of times, supporting each other and getting their feelings off their chests. You might build up a little group of online friends there who are all supportive if that kind of thing would suit you, and that might be better than counselling in some ways, because you can talk to them whenever you want rather than having to wait for an appointment with the inconvenience of going without telling people where you're going or letting them know. It might take ages to get an appointment with an NHS counsellor anyway. The other forum's at:
http://pub41.bravenet.com/forum/show.php?u...462926451&cpv=1

I'm sure no one there or here would think that what happened to you wasn't serious enough to be concerned about. You don't have to feel bad about talking about your feelings. What happened to you doesn't sound "mild" to me.

I'm glad you finally plucked up the courage to get the abuser out of your life. He didn't have the right to do any of the abusive things he did.

[onlyme]

Thanks for the replies.

Rachel, I know what you mean about the triggers - the house where I live at the moment (no chance to move just yet) is exactly the same layout as one I lived at with my ex, and at night that really gets to me, in a weird way I feel like I'll suddenly be back there with him. I know I can't tell my family, at least not at the moment but will seriously think about trying to get to see a counsellor, thanks for the idea about saying I'm going shopping etc. I don't think I could cope with the process of reporting it at the moment but maybe in the future. I wouldn't expect anything to be done about it at all but at least it would be out in the open for the police in case he ever tried it again.

Thanks for that site diana, I'll try there. That was what I was hoping for, being able to air how I feel without having to go somewhere specially and 'face up' to someone.

Thankyou so much for the support, it definitely helps by just talking about it, really makes me feel like I'm allowed to say it happened, but without the awkwardness of telling someone I know.

[Rachel]

Onlyme: glad talking on here helps you. Another suggestion of getting your feelings out is to write a letter to your ex (but not send it) about how he made you feel, what he's done and so on. Then burn it or rip it up. I did this and it helped to sort my feelings out as well as telling the person how I feeling with out actually telling him (does that make sense?). Another thing I did was to write down all my feelings at the moment, the things which went there on head etc. I sealed it up and write not to be open until say another six months or a year. When I opened it up after that time I was actually unable to see how far I'd come to dealing with it. Because when your in this sitation you don't feel you have got very far but by re-reading how you felt that many months ago makes you realise you are strong and getting through it.

These are only suggestions, they worked for me so who knows they may for you.
I'm around if you need to talk.