What can I do?

[mickyp]

I went to visit my girlfriend yesterday, we arranged to meet at 5pm, she never showed. At 7.30 her cousin found her. she had been grabed and raped by three men. She has just had major surgery to remeove uterine polyps and now this. She balmes herself, doesnt want to involve the authorities. I dont know what to say or do, I feel hopeless, she is still over there and i am here. I know this is not about me but i feel so angry, angry at the people who did this to her, and angry at myself for not being there for her.

I want to hold her and protect her, but i know she doesnt want anyone touching her. I feel confused, hurt, angry, sad but worst i feel useless because i can never understand how she is feeling and feel powerless to help because i dont know what to say to her.

Please please if anybody has any advice on what i should or shouldnt do then please help

[diana_holbourn]

I think one of the best things you can do is just to listen if she wants to talk, reassuring her that it wasn't her fault, you're not going to blame her, and that you'll be there for her. She may feel comforted a bit if you tell her you wish you'd been there for her at the time. If you can make her feel confident that you're not going to judge her, she may be willing to talk about her feelings with you, and that might make her feel a bit better. Listening supportively might be how you could help her most at the moment.

She may not want to tell the authorities because she feels ashamed if she blames herself, or scared of what will happen. If you can reassure her that no matter what happened, she can't have been to blame for what happened, because no one has the right to do things like that, and by telling her that going to the authorities, she may be protecting other women who may otherwise be attacked by the men in the future, you may change her mind, although she may be distressed if you push the matter, so it'll be best if you try to persuade her gently.

[Stacey]

When I was raped, the biggest fear was indeed being judged and not being believed. I blamed myself, and when people asked me things like 'why didn't you.....' etc etc, however innocently, I felt like I was being blamed by others too. Diana's right, the best thing is to be there as much as she needs you, and to not take her reactions personally. She's been through massive trauma. Let her be in control of what happens now. You don't mention where you are from but support is available from Rape Crisis groups whether she reports or not. I hope things start to work out, best wishes.