feeling confused and guilty

[lexi]

this all started off in may 2001
i was just finishing off my first year at university, all my housemates finished before me and had moved out.
i had one exam left the following day and felt completely prepared, so when a guy i had just started seeing called and asked if i wanted to go for a drink with him and some of his friends at our local i decided to go and just not drink much
we had a good night in the pub but even though i had been trying not to drink much i felt really distant and strange
because i felt strange and i guess i was naive i decided it was a good idea to invite the guys back to my house to carry on drinking rather than walk home alone
after leaving the pub i still remember very little, the next thing i remember i was at my house with 5 or 6 men only 2 of which i had met before that night, one of the guys i didnt know started kissing me and i remember telling him to stop then i felt so ill i was just laid on the sofa and he was still kissing me
at some point i dont remember clearly the other guys all left and it was just me and him i clearly remember telling him i did not want to have sex with him and to this day i still do not know if he did or not the few details i remember clearly would imply that he did
the only definite memory i have is of waking up naked on my living room floor and there were clues that things werent right but i guess i ignored them
the next day i went to my exam but couldnt finish it i felt so ill and scared i went to the uni bar to find some friends and saw the guy i was originally meeting, he said his friend had said he'd slept with me but my memory was hazy he persuaded me to get the morning after pill but didnt seem to realise it was against my will and i never told him
i managed 2 hide this from myself and everyone else pretty well for a while and when there was an armed robery where i worked in september it helped me project all my feelings onto that and people expected me to be scared and down
it is only recently that i have allowed myself to think of that night and i think it has ruined my life i can't have a proper relationship with men and have even had to take time off sick from work i'm terrified of being on my own and because of this i'm in so much debt i'm going to have to move 200 miles away from my friends to live with my parents
the guilt that i never reported it is the worst part and is what is stopping me from getting help
sorry this was so long but there was a lot i needed to get out

[diana_holbourn]

Sorry to hear that. When trust has been abused that badly, it can be difficult to recover. But you don't have to feel guilty about not reporting it. I think some police forces take these things more seriously than others, but I think there's a good chance that it wouldn't have got very far, because they'd think that if it had got to court, the defence would probably have made much of the idea that you couldn't really remember what happened, so they would suggest that you couldn't remember if you said no. I imagine you were probably scared of what might happen if you reported it at the time, especially since you were confused about the details. Whatever you felt, you were bound to have had strong reasons for not reporting it, so it's not your fault that you didn't. If you think about the feelings that stopped you reporting it, it'll probably stop you feeling guilty. And no rape crisis organisation or counsellor with relevant knowledge and experience will think badly of you for not having reported it. They know how frightening the thought of doing that can be.

[Snoopyseed]

Hi hun.
First things first you cannot go on like this you may make yourself ill.
I did not report the rape that happened to me either, things were dealth with in a different way for me, but i do know how you feel about feeling guilty.There are options that you can pick though right now and for starters how about getting yourself a little support eh?
You can still go to the police, i run a support group for survivors of rape and have known women to report their attackers years later.One one or two occasions it has resulted in convictions too as sometimes rapists go on to attack others, and other victims report it but due to lack of evidence it gets thrown out.Then when another person comes forward to report the same person...well its pretty obvious whats happened in the eyes of the law.
So never give up hope about going forward if its what you truly want to do in your heart.
But for now you need to take care of yourself.Could you speak to your mum about this or perhaps a close freind?
The bigger your support network the better you see, then your GP could refer you for some counselling it wont take away whats happened but it will help.
Next you can contact a debt consolidation company and arrange for your payments to be broken down into weekly payable amounts that you can manage better.
Have a think about what you want to do and know that there are plenty of people out there willing to help and support you and that you are not alone.
All you have to do is ask and you will receive all the help in the world.
Your also welcome to join my support group if you so wish.Diane has my details.

Good luck and feel free to contact me anytime you wish.
Blessings for now
Snoopy