It started at 16

[Cassie]

I'm sorry, this might be quite long.

I've always had depression and bad luck with boys, when I was 16, my friend set me up with her boyfriend's best friend. He was gorgeous, toned, muscle-y and the deepest chocolate brown eyes. From day one he was really hands on, I'd never had a proper boyfriend before him, only ones hat lasted like a week or so. I was getting a bit scared that things were going too fast for me, so I told him and then a month after we had started going out, we were lying on my bed kissing and he started trying to get a bit more serious, next thing I knew there was a horrible pain and I felt sick, I thought he was just fingering me or something, I didn't know what was happening or what it was supposed to feel like, I stayed with him for 6 months because I was scared of what he would do if I left, he started taking pictures of me naked while I was asleep and he showed them to his friends and then one night he taped me and him having sex without me knowing, when we broke up he asked for his present back (an old mobile phone) and I couldn't give it back because it was the only phone I had so he decided to blackmail me, he said he would put the video on the internet, by this time I had started self harming. I'd suck lower into depression than I ever thought possible. I don't know what he's doing now.

After that, whenever I was in a relationship, I thought guys just wanted me for sex and I just went for the bad guys cos I just wanted to feel loved. Then two years ago I was at my friends house. I used to have a crush on him when I was about 13/14) we had a chinese and had a couple of drinks, I was tipsy, not even drunk (I don't get drunk because I have a heart condition) we were going to have a shot of something, I can't remember what it was, while he was pouring it, I went to the toilet, when I came back he said he had already took his, so I had mine and then a few more drinks, I don't remember much else, I remember throwing up and little bits like having a shower, brushing my teeth and then I remember suddenly being in his bed and him pinning me down. I always looked up to him, and I just feel sick every time I think of him now. it breaks my heart that he would do that.

I'm sorry it's so long, I just had to get it out. you don't have to reply.

[A RUINED LIFE]

Your story is really sad you should speak to your DR or GP and tell them your story and they will help......I hope your ok

[Saffron]

Hi Cassie

Well done on writing this down, I know it's hard.
I agree that you should go and see your doctor. If you have been self-harming you need help.
Your life is just that - YOUR LIFE. Don't let it be ruined by anyone. You CAN get through this.
Hopefully others will be along soon. In the meantime, welcome.

[Cassie]

I can't talk to my doctors about it, I find it hard to talk about it to anyone face to face or over the phone. I have 2 sisters, 1 brother and a mum and a dad, and only 2 of them know what has happened and I only told my mum the second time it happened last week I think. I have a boyfriend, he is really supportive, we waited 8 months til we had sex, which helped but even though he knows this has happened, he doesn't know any of the details and I can't talk to him about it because I don't know how he would react and I don't want to upset him in any way. I'm glad I've found this site because I can finally talk about it and read about other people and share my thoughts etc. I think this is a very good idea and I am glad everyone is supportive and friendly here, it makes things a little bit easier.

Thank you both of you for replying.

I saw pictures of Facebook of my ex boyfriend (the one who raped me first) and made me feel sick and gave me shivers.
Because of him, there was rumours I was a slag and slept with more than 10 guys, which wasn't true, all my friends talked behind my back and ever since I've been self conscious of myself and what people think of me, how I'm dressed, my personality etc.

I don't self harm anymore, I did from the ages of about 16 - 17/18, my boyfriend has helped a lot. One of the reasons, other than the rape issues I have, of being depressed is because I have a heart condition and have to keep going to the hospital (which I am terrified of).

[Saffron]

Hi Cassie

Well, if you find it difficult to talk about this face-to-face or on the phone, then you have come to the right place! Feel free to post and rant if it helps
I'm pleased to hear that you are no longer self-harming. See, you have taken positive steps already!

Don't look him up on Facebook. I know that's easy for me to say (I look up my husband's accuser all the time, on facebook and I google her) but it's really not healthy. He'll get what's coming to him. Karma.

What sort of heart condition do you have? My friend's daughter has Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. Basically she was born with half a heart. She is only 4 years old and has had open heart surgery 3 times. Her life expectancy is roughly 15-19 years, unless she gets a heart transplant.

I'm not surprised you are scared of hospital appointments: most of us are. The thing to hold on to is that your condition has been diagnosed and the doctors are trying to do something about it.

Hang in there. I know that sometimes it seems impossible, but it will get better.

[Cassie]

Don't look him up on Facebook. I know that's easy for me to say (I look up my husband's accuser all the time, on facebook and I google her) but it's really not healthy. He'll get what's coming to him. Karma.

What sort of heart condition do you have? My friend's daughter has Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. Basically she was born with half a heart. She is only 4 years old and has had open heart surgery 3 times. Her life expectancy is roughly 15-19 years, unless she gets a heart transplant.

I wasn't searching for him on Facebook, I was looking at pictures of a friend and he was in one of the pictures. about a year after the rape , he looked so happy getting drunk and joking with his friends.

It just seems that everything at the moment is crashing down around me. It's weird, I've coped with the secret of being raped and sexually abused for years now and it hasn't really affected me... that sounds stupid or weird but I always tried to ignore or forget it instead of dealing with it and now that I'm trying to move on with my life it's coming back. ever since me and my boyfriend got together I've been thinking about it more. He is the only man I have told it to, I only told him because I thought he should know.

I have 'Tricuspid atresia' where my tricuspid valve is missing, I was born with it. Not only that but when I was born, my diaphragm was partly paralysed so it was extremely difficult for me to breathe (they have fixed this now) I also had another hole in my heart as well as the missing valve but they were able to fix that. because of my missing valve, my blood was mixing together (oxygenated and de-oxygenated) which caused my heart to inflate, so the last operation I had done was when I was 14 where they changed the plumbing around in my body so it didn't mix anymore. That is the last operation they can do for me. the only thing left, like your friend's daughter is have a transplant.