Just need some clarity, I'm not calling this rape...

[friday]

The police told the havens that I think they are trying to trick me into giving information. To some extent I think they are but that is probably just because I am making their job a little more difficult by withholding information about him to protect myself because I know the police can't protect me. Surely that is my right? I just don't want to feel like I am being forced into doing anything. I want to have a choice and maybe that's because I didn't have a choice in it happening.

I ate the veg pot and decided to look at the calories thinking that with a banana I must have eaten about a third of what I normally have and it only has 213! That might be handy for future reference but not for now.

I should go pack for tomorrow and sort out my flat. I haven't done anything since it happened and I don't really want to touch the duvet cover but I want it to look clean and like it never happened when I get back on Monday. Everything he touched seems disgusting. I am going to have to throw out the mouthwash he used and I don't even want to drink out of the glasses he used. I know that sounds crazy because at the point he was drinking he hadn't done anything wrong but everything just feels dirty

I'm going to go to the supermarket, get the last few things for tomorrow and lots of cigarettes then go to my mums and put on my smiley face.

[Saffron]

I'm pleased you went to the Haven and that they treated you kindly. Well done on having the courage to do that, especially after it seemed like the police were so brusque.
Re: painful spots that don't have a bruise: I often find that sometimes the most painful bashes don't leave a bruise and that sometimes the insignificant knocks leave bruises like a fallen peach! I often bump myself (usually on my kneecap - ouch!) and think "Ooof, that really hurt" and then the next day there isn't a single mark. Whereas sometimes I wake up and think "holy Cr4p, where did that bruise come from?" and all I have done is walk into the coffee table.

Glad you ate the veg pot, even if it only had a small amount of calories. It will give you some physical strength.
Hope you enjoy the festival - I am going to see the Foo Fighters at the MK Bowl in July....my first gig for ages and I can't wait! I'm sure your friend will look after you and that you will have a great time. And yes, coming home to a pristine flat will also help...you will have purged your home of every trace of him.

You're doing brilliantly, keep up the good work. Proud of you!

[friday]

I have new bedding That has made me feel a lot better. I am still not brave enough to lie down on the bed. I did get on it to put the pillows and duvet on straight but it still seems a step too far. I still haven't packed or washed my hair. Everything just seems so difficult. At least there were far fewer tears today. I guess that is something worth holding on to.

No sign of the guy, thank god. I don't think I could have held it together if I had seen him today. I'm hoping that whatever they bashed the door in for will keep him away for some time. Hopefully he will get sent down or the landlord will evict him. Wishful thinking? Probably but it is helping

I am going to finish off getting rid of him from my flat and then have a shower and come out a new person (hopefully bearing some resembelance to the old one).

[RFLH]

All positive steps Friday - keep going and enjoy your weekend away.

Friday is still there - you will find her again and she'll be a little stronger too.

[Bigsister]

It's a bit concerning that the police are pushing to try & get someone in court?
If the guy posted here that he spent the evening in a womans flat & they drank & smoked spliffs, had sex then the next thing he knows is he is being accused of rape, people would be very sympathetic to him.
Just saying how it looks from both sides, which doesn't feature on here very much. The fact he has knocked on your door since is probably because a) he doesn't feel he has done anything wrong, & b) because he enjoyed your company...etc.
Would I persue someone through the courts when I coudn't be sure they had attacked me, in a sinister way like Rohypnol.
And I had allowed them, a near stranger into my house & drank & smoked weed with them, no I couldn't do it.
Hope that doesn't sound too harsh. As I know you said you dont want to hear people saying you shouldn't have..blah blah blah. And I definitely dont go along with the people that say some people are asking to be raped. No way. I believe we should be able to wear what we like & drink as much as we like. But along with that comes some responsibility, if someone can't state that they remember everything, & that includes putting themselves in situations where mind altering drugs are concerned, I think it's wrong to accuse a person. Afterall, how can you stand in court & state something happened that you dont actually remember? And if you dont remember, the guy could be innocent. He was smoking & drinking too? That could change his life forever.
I am pretty certain I had my drink spiked years back when I was in a nightclub, the guy was a loner, always went out on his own but I felt sorry for him, I always attract them! & to be honest, the drink did taste weird, I didn't drink it all because of that, he asked why I wasn't drinking, I ended up feeling very perculiar & went home early, slipping away without him noticing & he was txting me when I was in the cab asking where I was. I wet the bed that night (sorry tmi) but that has NEVER happened to me & I have drank way more previously & since, I hadn't even had that much to drink before that, & I didn't even know it had happened until the next day, but because I couldn't prove anything, reporting it was pointless & thankfully nothing happened.
x

[RFLH]

bigsister - please read this thread

http://www.daftmoo.org.uk/mooforum/s...gain&highlight=

since this happened Friday has overcome some real hardships and turmoil and has managed to get herself through uni and achieved more than most people I know.

this is her introduction post in 2009

saying hi a little late.

hi i'm friday. i can't remember how long i've been a member here, probably about a year. i'm 19 but 30 mentally. i write poetry (recently performed at the poetry cafe's open mic night) and am attempting to get good enough grades to go to uni in september to study psychology.

i was raped at 16 and went through two court cases only to see the man walk free.

i also am diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder (BAD ) and have recovered from anorexia nervosa which caused me to have osteoporosis (but hopefully that will improve).

i'm not sure why i'm writing so much but anyways....i like ebm (gothy dance music), metal, rock, punk, bruce springsteen, trad goth...

i can play the clarinet and saxophone (though i never actually practice so its not sounding so great these days).

anyway i have written far more than anyone would care to read.



If Friday wants this post pulling, I'm sure she'll do it when she gets back.

[Bigsister]

bigsister - please read this thread

http://www.daftmoo.org.uk/mooforum/s...gain&highlight=

since this happened Friday has overcome some real hardships and turmoil and has managed to get herself through uni and achieved more than most people I know.

this is her introduction post in 2009

saying hi a little late.

hi i'm friday. i can't remember how long i've been a member here, probably about a year. i'm 19 but 30 mentally. i write poetry (recently performed at the poetry cafe's open mic night) and am attempting to get good enough grades to go to uni in september to study psychology.

i was raped at 16 and went through two court cases only to see the man walk free.

i also am diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder (BAD ) and have recovered from anorexia nervosa which caused me to have osteoporosis (but hopefully that will improve).

i'm not sure why i'm writing so much but anyways....i like ebm (gothy dance music), metal, rock, punk, bruce springsteen, trad goth...

i can play the clarinet and saxophone (though i never actually practice so its not sounding so great these days).

anyway i have written far more than anyone would care to read.



If Friday wants this post pulling, I'm sure she'll do it when she gets back.

Oh dear, that's awful
This thread isn't related to that? Sorry, I am thick as 2 short planks I know, what are you saying?

[LS]

"If the guy posted here that he spent the evening in a womans flat & they drank & smoked spliffs, had sex then the next thing he knows is he is being accused of rape, people would be very sympathetic to him."
I wouldn't be, especially if he posted that he doctored her drink, plied her with weed, and then waited until she was comatose before having sex.


Bigsister

What RFLH is saying is that Friday knows full well what the difference is between being raped and making a false accusation, or of accusing someone without proof.

She's been through a lot, and as you can see from her posts even after an assault she's not rushing in, and is trying to get her mind around it.

Friday would be the absolute last person to take something like this so lightly and trivially as to accuse without proof.
And certainly doesn't need any of us questioning her motives.

[RFLH]

thanks LS, just how I would have expressed it.

[Bigsister]

"If the guy posted here that he spent the evening in a womans flat & they drank & smoked spliffs, had sex then the next thing he knows is he is being accused of rape, people would be very sympathetic to him."
I wouldn't be, especially if he posted that he doctored her drink, plied her with weed, and then waited until she was comatose before having sex.


Bigsister

What RFLH is saying is that Friday knows full well what the difference is between being raped and making a false accusation, or of accusing someone without proof.

She's been through a lot, and as you can see from her posts even after an assault she's not rushing in, and is trying to get her mind around it.

Friday would be the absolute last person to take something like this so lightly and trivially as to accuse without proof.
And certainly doesn't need any of us questioning her motives.

Ah right ok, I didn't understand the point RFLH were making.
I wouldn't be sympathetic if they said they had drugged someone either, but Friday isn't sure that happened, & there were consenting illegal drugs & alcohol involved?
That's all I was saying.
Unless someone can be sure anything sinister happened, it would be wrong to persue a person? I thought that was what the site was about tbh.
edit: And I haven't read Fridays posts/threads. I was posting based on this thread.

[LS]

Well, Friday's reasonably sure she didn't consent to what went on, and that's without anything sinister.

Yes it's wrong to pursue someone (read "falsely accuse") but Friday feels non-consensual intercourse took place - and while she was 'out of it' - making it certainly questionable, and pursuable. I'm perfectly sure a False Accuser would go rushing to the police at the first chance (often when sex didn't occur), but as you can see Friday's not doing that.

I'd say let's draw a line under this and not pre-judge Friday. I have enough faith and trust in her to believe what she says, and she needs understanding and comfort right now, rather than questioning.

[friday]

Hi big sister, I understand where you are coming from and that is the exact reason I haven't given the police his name or address. I know what court is like and I know that if it was to go that far I would be made a complete fool of on the stand because of the memory blanks. You chose not to go to the police when you thought your drink was spiked because you considered him to be a loner and reporting it to be pointless. Spiking someone's drink is illegal whether anything happens or not. Of course that was completely down to you to choose how to deal with it but I considered it important to find out if my drink was spiked because it would change the situation considerably and I couldn't live with myself if I found out a few years later that he had done the same or something even worse to someone else.

If a man came on this forum saying he had drinked and smoked cannabis with a girl who continuously said she wasn't interested in him and that he waited until she was so out of it she had thrown up to help her into bed, take of the bottom half of her clothing while she was face down on the bed and then have sex with her during which she came around/woke up and couldn't even speak I would hope some people would question if he was really falsely accused. I know that I couldn't support him.

I know that we often ask people what motive someone would have to accuse them. I have none. If I want victim status I already have it, if I regretted sleeping with him it would just be another name to add to a list. If I felt bad about having casual sex then you would wonder why I had never made a false allegation before. Rightly or wrongly I have no issue with casual sex so long as it is safe and consensual, this wasn't safe or consensual and if I had wanted to have sex I would have used protection, I had them close at hand and being drunk has never stopped me using them before (unless I had none, which has happened a couple of times or was in a long term relationship). I haven't got a boyfriend to cheat on, I don't want my ex back or I would have told him what happened (as it happened the police did but that was nothing to do with me). I don't want compensation and if I did I would have to make a formal allegation which I haven't (and given I never sorted out the compensation from last time it is highly unlikely). I am not saying you are accusing me of making a false allegation but as you can see I have far more to lose by making it up than I have to gain. Just as people were starting to think I was moving on with my life and most had finally stopped treating me like I needed wrapping up in cotton wool this has been a massive step back. My ex is now ringing me every day to check on me (I appreciate it but I don't want to be treated like a weak and vulnerable person who can't take care of herself, even if it seems I can't).

Update: I saw him today. He knocked on my door and I told him I was busy. I was shaking when I spoke to him. He asked if I wanted to drink with him in his flat. I told him that I was back with my boyfriend and couldn't spend time with him anymore. I am not back with my boyfriend but I thought the prospect of a man coming round if he did anything might scare him off. He said that he wouldn't keep bothering me, I hope he means it. He told me he had some trouble with the police and asked to come in my flat to tell me about it. I didn't feel like I could say no so I let him in but stayed holding the yale lock and standing up so he knew I didn't want him to stay. He said it was his cousin they wanted but that they had taken him in. I wasn't really sure what he said his cousin was supposed to have done, I think it was dealing but I wasn't sure if he said that or if he said he had dealings with the police. I don't really care whatever it is I just want to get on with living my life feeling safe in my flat.

I had a good time at the festival seeing some amazing bands and even crowd surfing (I had never done it before and it was so much fun I just kept doing it!). It was so nice to be away from the flat and to not have to worry about bumping in to him. I had a few long chats with my friend throughout the weekend and that really helped. It was nice to have some reassurance from a female friend in real life that I am not making a big deal out of nothing. Only she and my ex boyfriend know what happened so it was good to not have to keep my feelings and thoughts to myself.

I feel a lot more positive today. I think making it known that I don't want anything to do with him helped even if it was scary. I am glad I sorted out my flat before I went away as well because I could just come back to no reminders. I am keeping busy. I did two lots of washing, cleaned and polished my very muddy boots and then cleaned the bathroom which got muddy cleaning the boots. I'm going to watch a film now, get some sleep then do some more cleaning and food shopping tomorrow. I have to admit that my flat is going to be the cleanest it has ever been but it is keeping me occupied and that has got to be a good thing.

I really am grateful for all your support. I'm not sure I would be as together as I am without you.

[RFLH]

Hi Friday, I'm glad you had such a good time, its just what you needed.

Should you want to keep on ckeaning - my door is always open and if you like grdening there will be tea and cake on tap!

It's good to talk!

[Saffron]

Great post Friday.
I'm glad you had a good time at the weekend, and that you sorted the flat out before you left....coming home to a mess is horrible, especially when you have a pile of laundry to do anyway!
Ditto what RFLH said - I have LOADS of cleaning that needs to be done. Two cats who persist in bringing me dead "presents" plus two kids and a husband who seem allergic to putting anything away mean that my house is in a permanent state of chaos! you are more than welcome to come and help me out!
You sound like you are doing really well, I'm very proud of you.

[friday]

I am not completely sure whether the cleaning is just to do with keeping me busy or if it is to do with erasing him completely from the flat. I don't think I will be coming to do anyone elses cleaning! If I did I think I'd have to start with my mum's and to be honest I think cleaning my little sisters room would put me off cleaning forever! I am slightly concerned that you can use too much extra strong toilet cleaner because I have used half a bottle in 12 hours...

I slept fairly well considering that I was in my bed. I don't feel rested though

My therapist rang me today to find out why I missed my last session. I guess I will speak to her about all this tomorrow. In the meantime I have to ring up a stupid company who tried to tell me they sent me the right mini oven when it is a different make and only has a 15 minute timer instead of 60. If I had wanted that oven I would have got it, it was cheaper! I guess this is what you get for buying online.