Just need some clarity, I'm not calling this rape...

[RFLH]

He knew what he was doing - you didn't.

If he had anything about him then he will move.

Until you know anything sit tight and do nothing - apart from be on here that is!

[friday]

I'm chain smoking at the moment... They are still hear. I can hear them. I wish I had been asleep and slept through it. I'm a mess.

[RFLH]

Try not to panic. I've emailed you.

[friday]

Just read it. Thank you I'm away thurs til mon anyway. I think I need it. Just not sure I will be in the state of mind to have fun

[RFLH]

A change of scene will do you good.

Step away from the ciggies and make a drink!

[friday]

I don't think I'd trust myself to make a cup of tea without throwing boiling water everywhere! Still pretty shaky but less than I was. I am going to try have a rest but doubt I can sleep.

Thank you so much for being there for me.

[RFLH]

perhaps better not then! Do try and have something to eat, no matter how small.

When things get too much for me I snooze with the telly just low enough not to hear the words, you don't feel alone with voices in the background.

Email if you want to chat, I'm about all day.

[friday]

I got a couple of hours of broken sleep on my sofa using my dressing gown as a cover. If he has been arrested then I want to keep the bedding as evidence. It looks like it was his door that was bashed in. It seems too much of a coincidence but maybe it was unrelated. I tried to ring the PC but she is out for a meeting and won't be back for a while. The police rang my care team and asked for details of a carer so they said my ex boyfriend. The police rang him and told him I made an allegation of rape. I didn't want him to know but he is still down as my carer. He said I can't look after myself and I go and prove him right. I think I am going to get dressed and just get out of the house. I'm just being as quiet as I can be, I don't want anyone to know I am in.

They would have rung me if he had been arrested, wouldn't they?

[friday]

I'm off to the havens now. I just can't believe this is happening.

[Saffron]

Friday, email me when you are back so that I know you're OK.
You didn't give the police his name did you, so if they have arrested him it could well be for something different and completely unrelated.
As RFLH says, try to stay calm. I also find it helps me sleep if I put the telly on very low and curl up on the sofa - try watching The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross....something very mesmeric and peaceful about that gentle program.
Please try to eat something - just a little nibble.
Well done for getting checked out. Hang in there.

Thinking of you

[RFLH]

I hope you've been given help at The Havens, I'm sure you'll hear from the police if they have arrested him.

Put your bedding and anything else into bags just in case.

And as Saffron says, let us know when you're back.

[friday]

I went to the havens yesterday. They were really good and didn't rush me at all and they were really accomodating. I was there for hours because I kept having mini breakdowns and alternating between crying and shaking and laughing hysterically (I laugh when I am nervous). I am going back in two weeks for the second hep b injection and sti tests. They did blood and urine samples and I gave them some bedding and clothes so that will all be sent to the police anonymously and if it comes back as a match to other cases then the police will inform the havens and they will contact me and ask if I want to come forward and make a formal allegation. It is a bit odd because the police know that the samples are mine so it is not really anonymous but it is unlikely I would be compelled to make a formal allegation or go to court unless he has done it to others (in which case I would anyway). I am going to keep the rest of my bedding and clothes in a bag until I have more of an idea what is happening. I don't really want to give it to the havens because it is my mum's and I will never get it back but equally I don't want to ever use it again. They weighed and measured me and it seems I am a lot thinner than I thought. The doctor wasn't convined that I was over my eating disorder and it has brought back memories of the nurse when I was 16 saying that if I hadn't have been so underweight maybe I could have fought him off. I know that this time I was out of it so there was no way I could have done anything but it makes me think maybe if I was bigger I wouldn't have been as affected by the drink and drugs. My ex also said I look really frail and that might be why he thought he could easily get me drunk and take advantage. What makes it worse is that I am struggling to eat because of this, am I just making myself an even more obvious target?

I stayed at my ex boyfriends last night. I needed to get some sleep and feel safe without the pressure of trying to hold it together. There were lots of tears, I think yesterday things really started to sink in. I became very aware of how painful my legs are. I think I worked out where the bruise and red mark are from, his fingers. It explains the size, shape and location of them and the other leg feels bruised just above the knee. He wants to come round and knock the guy out, good job he doesn't know his name or address. He seems to think the guy set out to sleep with me, he basically invited himself in, suggested drinking alcohol and smoking weed and when I turned him down (multiple times during the evening) decided he would do it anyway once I was out of it. I think that is a pretty cynical view and I prefer to think of it as more opportunistic than that.

I am going to stay at my mum's tonight and then go away to a festival tomorrow til monday. I really don't feel in the right state to go to a festival but I just can't sleep in my bed, maybe a tent will make it easier for me to sleep!

I didn't give the police his name and they said the police turning up was definetely nothing to do with me (they don't even know his exact address). It is definetely his door that has been kicked in. There are marks on it and part of the wooden bit that surround it has come off. They obviously won't tell me why but that just adds to my fears.

I know rape is serious and that is why I didn't just rush off to the police. The issue comes from attempting to work out what was going through someone else's mind. The only way I can do that is to think what I or others would think in a similar situation. Me and my friends tend to think having sex with someone who can't speak, stand up and who is barely conscious or awake isn't ok as they don't have the capacity to consent. That is all I have to go on when trying to make a decision about the best course of action. I have been drunk and stupid before, I will admit that. There is a difference between regretting sex with drunken consent and being drunk and unable to consent. As far as I am concerned this incident falls into the latter category.

This may not be as traumatic as when I was forced and tried to push someone off but it has left me feeling very vulnerable and frightened in my own home.

[RFLH]

good to see you posting Friday. Have you taken photos of your bruises?

Try soups and icecream, nice easy things to eat and try to cut down on your ciggies!

I'm pleased that they were good to you at The Haven, thank heavens there are places to go where you can get help.

Enjoy your weekend and be kind to yourself - don't forget to eat!

[friday]

They documented them on one of those body charts with some complictated words for red mark and bruise. Guess there was no point taking pictures. The annoying thing is that the most painful areas haven't bruised (I think there is one bruise that wasn't there yesterday) so there is no evidence. If they do come out in bruises I will get someone to take pictures or go back to the havens.

I was very impressed with them. It really did feel like they had all the time in the world for me and at no point did they question whether it was rape nor did they make me feel stupid for drinking and smoking canabis. They have also been keeping me informed that the police are have been ringing and asking them to confirm I went in yesterday but they are keeping quiet.

I have vegan ice cream at my mum's house. Unfortunately it just doesn't appeal I'm trying to eat a veg pot. Very slowly.

[RFLH]

as long as you're eating something that's good.

I'm pleased that they were kind to you, it must make the telling a lot easier to do.

Seems the police are being useful too - that's something.