Just need some clarity, I'm not calling this rape...

[friday]

A guy from a flat in my block came round to my place last night. We were chatting, listening to music and having a few drinks. He told me that he fancied me and I told him I only wanted to be friends and that I wasn't looking for anyone because I just broke up with my boyfriend and wanted to be on my own for a while. He had brought round some wine but I don't drink white wine so I said I would have some of my own alcohol. He offered me a can of larger so I said ok and he brought it a can from his flat. I noticed it was open but thought he must have just opened it for me and I should stop being paranoid (I am probably just paranoid). We drank some more and while I drank a lot by most people's standard I didn't drink as much as I would on a night out. I also shared a couple of joints with him (you would think I would learn).

It seems I threw up in the sink at some point although I can't remember doing that. There is a big memory blank and then we were in my bed. I remember lying on my front and feeling like my arms were made of lead. I couldn't move. He pulled off my trousers and pants. I didn't take any of my own clothes off and I didn't take of his. He moved me to have sex with me but I was like a rag doll. I don't think I said no but I definetely wasn't an active participant.

Today I feel awful. I feel so stupid for drinking with a relative stranger. I will have to see him again beause he lives in my block. He seems to think everything was great yesterday. I can't see how.

*Too much info alert*
I am also really swollen down there and my inner thighs feel bruised which tells me it went on for quite some time or was pretty rough.

I really don't know what to do. I feel really used and dirty. Part of me is tempted to go to the police and check my drink wasn't spiked. I know that sounds pretty extreme but I often drink a lot more and my memory is never that bad. It could just be the combination of weed and alcohol though. I think I am just over exaggerating.

I would really like your opinions but please no "you shouldn't have drunk so much, smoked weed or let him in your flat" comments. I know that and I already feel so stupid.

[RFLH]

Friday, you're not stupid you know that, but I think you ought to report it as it sounds as if your drink was spiked.

And it was rape - you didn't consent.

pm me if you want.

Don't be hard on yourself.

[friday]

Thanks RFLH. I really value your input and need a friend at the moment.

I won't report it. He lives in my block and I can't be doing with the stress. It has been too long now, if there was anything in my drink it would have left my system by now. I still have the can in my bin but I'm not sure there is anything in it to test.

I've had one night stands where I regretted it but knew I consented even if my memory was hazy. This feels so different. I think I did kiss him back at some point so I guess it's my fault. I just can't believe I haven't learned anything.

Even if I reported it nothing would happen. It all comes down to consent and he will say I did. I will say I couldn't and it will either not go anywhere resulting in me having to deal with this guy on a daily basis or it will go to court and he will be let off.

This isn't the same as when I was raped at 16. I was scared and tried to push him off. Last night I just laid there unresponsive, I tried to speak but I couldn't really make any sense or even speak loud enough to be heard. I didn't say no, he obviously thought that meant I was happy. He did ask me what I was saying but I couldn't speak properly.

I can't call this rape. I didn't say no.

[RFLH]

it was - if you were unable to say no because of something he put in the drink then you certainly were raped.

If you hadn't drunk it then would you have said no if he came on to you?

It isn't your fault - if he has to drug someone to have sex with them, it says more about him than you.

You couldn't say no - he made sure of that.

[friday]

I don't know if my drink was spiked. I could have just drank too much and then the weed knocked me out. I really don't know what to do. I can't get the police involved unless I know my drink was spiked. If it was then obviously he knew what he was doing but if I was just drunk then maybe he thought I was consenting. Of course I wouldn't have slept with him if I had been sober and drug free but that could be said for a few people. Earlier in the night he was getting a bit too touchy feely so I told him that wasn't ok, we were just friends. But I let him stay after that, we carried on drinking.

It just doesn't feel like I slept with him, it feels like he slept with me.

[RFLH]

But he already knew that you'd said no earlier in the night - he stopped. He then had sex with you when you were out of it.

If he'd have had the same amount to drink and smoke as you, then I presume he would have been in the same state as you.

What would your advice be if you had read the same post from someone else?

[friday]

I got the can out of the bin and have wrapped it in clingfilm and I'm taking it to the police station. If they find something then I guess I will report it as rape but f not I will put it down to foolishness and yet another reminder that I shouldn't drink. I just can't understand why anyone would want to sleep with someone who was unresponsive. When someone once fell asleep on me I was annoyed but at no point did I think "hey, I'll just carry on!".

I know what I would be saying if it was someone else but it is not. It is me.

Thank you for your support

[RFLH]

Well done Friday, if I was closer I'd go with you.

[Saffron]

Well done on taking the can to the police.
I'm with RFLH on this. Not saying No isn't the same as saying Yes. And you had already told him you weren't interested.
Having sex with someone when they are completely out of it and unable to respond is WRONG. He KNOWS you were semi conscious.
Please don't beat yourself up over drinking and smoking and letting him into the house. He is your neighbour after all, you had no reason to not trust him.
Thinking of you

[LS]

Holy cr4p Friday. Sorry to hear this, with your past you don't need it.

I'm with the rest on this - if you didn't consent (or weren't able to) then it's clearly rape. Regardless of what you drank or smoked, you made it clear earlier you weren't interested.
Let's hope something shows up in the can, at least it'll put your mind at rest that it wasn't your fault.

Sorry it's a late reply, as I routinely ignore the Been Raped thread but just happend to notice your name as the starter.

I wish you all the luck getting thru this.
D

[friday]

Thank you everyone! I really appreciate your support. I really need it.

I went to the police station (after accidentally trying to report it to neighbourhood watch!). The police community support officer sat at the front desk was a waste of time asking really probing questions and reminding me numerous times that rape is a serious crime and uses lots of resources so I should think carefully before making allegations. I told her I thought my drink had been spiked and I had brought the can and she said "so what do you want the police to do about it?". I don't know, how about test it!!! She also said unless I was sick or something had happened to me they wouldn't do anything. I was under the impression it was illegal to spike someone's drink! She wasn't very sympathetic when I started to cry. She also passed over wrong information and said that I would have consented whether I was sober or drunk. What I actually said is that if there was no drugs in the can then I didn't want to take it any further and I would accept responsibilty for getting into that state. She really shouldn't be working there. A man came in to say his car number plates had been stolen and she said unless he saw someone take them they were just lost! Luckily she left and a police officer took over. He was very nice and could understand my reservations although he said without giving his name there wasn't much they could do and without making an official allegation they wouldn't be able to test the can. As it happened there was nothing in the can to test so I haven't made an allegation.

Two police officers came from another police station to speak to me. I had a good cry and explained that I couldn't cope with having to move again or having him arrested but then living next door to me. I'm not scared of him breaking in or anything. He is just slimy and horrible so as long as I keep my distance but stay civil if I see him in passing then it will be ok. I also told them that I had been through the process before and couldn't face it again, particularly as this case is far weaker than the other one. The woman police officer is going to ring me tomorrow to make sure I don't want to take it any further. They aren't stupid, they know that it is unlikely he would be found guilty. She said that because I didn't actively say no it leaves it open for him to say he thought I consented/didn't realise I was that out of it (or even worse that I did consent and was having a fantastic time, she didn't say that but that's a possibility). I can't go through being ripped to shreds by a lawyer and have to piece my life back together again, not when I don't believe there is even a 5% chance he would be found guilty.

Part of me feels like this is making a big deal out of nothing. It wasn't violent, I wasn't scared. Maybe if this was the first time something like this had happened I would be ready to fight to see him realise what he had done and be punished but it just doesn't feel on the same level as the first time.

Then it gets me thinking...I can't just keep being this unlucky. Either I am an easy target or I am to blame.

eta: He just knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to smoke a spliff! I can't even look at him without wanting to throw up.

[friday]

I can't sleep so I thought I would get my thoughts out of my head and post on here. I think I want to get a medical exam but I don't want to make an official allegation. I think I will go to the havens tomorrow. I think I could do with getting checked over. I'm not saying I have major injuries but I would like to get them looked at and maybe get something for the pain (I can't take over the counter painkillers cos of my medication). I should probably get checked for all the nasties too

I have a small bruise and a small red mark on my knee. I don't have a clue where they came from. I have walked round my room and there is nothing at that height I could have bashed into. I can't have fallen on the floor because it is too high up (I fall over so often I have scars where my knees hit the floor!). The not knowing and memory blanks are driving me insane.

I can't really eat. I have eaten but less than half what I usually would. I can't cope with this with all that is going on with my mum. I'm not even sure what I am trying to cope with. Yes he took advantage of me but there is no fear. I think if I had been able to tell him to stop he would have done (after a few attempts at getting me to change my mind). In the morning when he tried to touch me I moved his hand, he tried again, I moved his hand again and told him no and got out of bed and it ended there. He did try to kiss me again but at no point did I feel like he was going to hold me down or anything.

It is so messed up. Everyone keeps telling me I am vulnerable (doctors, social workers, friends) but no one tells me how to stop being vulnerable. I must emit some odour that only creeps can smell because I don't see how else I am always the one who ends up in these situations. I take responsibility for getting drunk, being alone with people etc but other people do the same things with no adverse consequences. Even when I didn't drink and wasn't alone I still had people doing things to me. Other than never leaving the house and getting my shopping delivered but left outside I see no way to prevent these types of things happening. Do I just have "won't tell" and "no one will believe me" tattooed across my face? I know that you all believe me and that my friends do but I mean the jury. I'm starting to doubt myself, no one is this unlucky. I know I am not making stuff up but it just doesn't seem possible for so much rubbish to happen to one person and for each incident to be completely unrelated to the others.

Sorry for the long rant. I am feeling very hurt and confused at the moment

[friday]

The police are outside my door. I'm scared and can't stop shaking. I don't know who they are here for but it seems too much of a coincidence. I didn't tell them his name. This can't be happening. Does my opinion mean nothing? Guess I should wait til I know more before I start having a meltdown.

[RFLH]

I'm online Friday.

[friday]

Thank you

If they have come for him then what am I going to do? I can't live next door to him. I don't even know if he knew I was that out of it (I guess he must have but still). I don't want to be wrecking people's lives and my own when it wasn't violent or scary. How will I know if they arrested him? Will they ring me? I can't believe I was so stupid to go to the police and think they would just leave it.