My experiences

[sweetjade]

HI im 30 and have been sexually abused by 3 different men first time was when i was just 6 by my parents friends son who was 15, 2nd time was when i was 15 went to a friends brothers house to get stoned and i fell asleep on his bed and awoke to him having sex with me,3rd time was actually by my partner at the time who was physically and mentally abusive.I have only ever told my parents about the 1st one but have not gone to police with any.

[Phoenix]

Jade, as a rape victim myself (who also didn't go to the police) my heart goes out to you.

It's terrible what sexual abuse does to you. You and I are the same age and I know how badly it screws up your life.

It took me years even to start putting mine back together again.

You seem like a good, kind and (considering your trauma) well-adjusted person.

Love, hugs and kisses to you, sis!

Be strong - you're the survivor!

Be proud!

[Saffron]

Good advice from Phoenix.
I'm glad you found us. Going to the police is probably not the first thing on your mind, but please do consider it. They will treat you kindly.
Welcome.

[sweetjade]

Thankyou Phoenix, your kind words mean alot
i doubt i will go to the police ever just because of an experience with a sexual abuse case that didnt get anywhere, that has put me right off that idea far too traumatic for nothing to be done.
Thankyou for the welcome

[friday]

Hi sweetjade,

Glad you found us and you have a safe space to talk about what has happened to you. Do you have anyone in real life that you can talk to about it? It is hard learning to live happily and trusting people after being sexual assaulted/abused but I guess that is what changes you from a victim into a survivor. I always say that if you can come through something as horrific as sexual assault/abuse then you are strong enough to deal with anything life can throw at you. Hold on to the knowledge of that strength.

Going through the criminal justice system is traumatic and when you don't get justice it shatters all your believes about justice in the world. Don't underestimate the effect that will have had on you and your world view.

It can be difficult keeping such a big part of your life from your parents. You want to protect them from the knowledge that they weren't able to protect you. I don't know if you worry that they would view you differently, particularly because it has has happened more than once. I know that I worry that my mum would think I was either stupid for ending up in those situations or just weak and an easy target (although I do know that in reality they would never think like that). Caring about your parents feelings and wanting to protect them shows that unlike the scum that assaulted you you are capable of loving and caring for people.

Hope we can be some help.
x

[Cassie]

I know what you're going through, I'm 20, and have been sexually abused twice and raped twice, by 3 different men. I also have not gone to the police as I'm always scared that they won't believe me. for years I was shouted at for being a slag and rumours went around my town I had slept with more than 15 guys, this is definitely not true. I've never talked about my experiences to my family. I only told my boyfriend about them recently and we've been together 18months (not long, but still) he has been the most supportive person to me and he's encouraged me to talk about what has happened. I think you should go to the police as it is never too late. I'm considering doing it myself. it may help you get peace of mind.
hope this was helpful. x

[Saffron]

Hi Cassie

I'm pleased that you have confided in your Boyfriend, and that he has been sympathetic. Is that what led you here?
I would say that if you do go to the police, it is almost certain that they will treat you kindly. Rape is a highly sensitive issue for most police forces, and they are almost all under pressure to increase convictions. It is therefore highly unlikely that they will disbelieve you. Many forces have specialist officers who are highly trained to interview complainants of sexual assault/abuse in a sympathetic way.

the other thing to remember is that, if you do report it, there might be other survivors out there who have been attacked by the same person/people. If you report it, they might then also have the courage to come forward.

I wish you peace.

[Cassie]

My boyfriend has been my rock, he's helped me through so much, but I haven't ever been able to talk to him completely about it all and I feel like I should be able to and that maybe it would help, but I can never talk to people in person about something so personal. I find it extremely hard to do.
I always think that, it's been 4 years now, nearly 5, why would anyone really listen if it was that long ago. Only my mum and my brother know about it, and even they only know about one incident. My boyfriend and best friend know all cases, but I've only told them I have been abused and raped, not gone into detail or told them what had happened or anything really. I need to learn how to confide in people and I think if I try talking to people on here, or on the phone, it might help me, it's a step forward anyway.

[Saffron]

It's good that you are taking positive steps. Talking about things is good therapy for all of us.
Historic cases of rape/sexual abuse are difficult because the attack happened such a long time ago and there will be no DNA evidence. However, DNA evidence is not a necessary factor when prosecuting a rape case. If you can remember dates and times clearly you are halfway there. As I said before, I can almost guarantee that you will be treated kindly by the police.
Additionally, the person who attacked you might have attacked others before or since, and they may have reported it. It's definitely worth thinking about.

[Phoenix]

Cassie, it doesn't matter how long ago it was, the pain never goes away completely.

I was 18 when I was raped and I'm 30 years old now and it still screws up my whole life.

Like you, I've been lucky enough to find a wonderful man who's been totally supportive from day one and is my utterly dependable best friend as well as the man I love and the father of my children.

I understand your problem with the Old Bill. I'm not exactly a fan at the best of times and I have a friend who was so badly treated by them when he went there - yes, he was a man who was raped by three other men - that it left him feeling traumatised for the rest of his life. He's a good mate and we of course have a common experience to bind us together.

Look, I've messed up my own life so royally I'm not going to give you advice.

All I will say is you have to stay strong.

Don't let the *******s grind you down - you're better than that!

Love and hugs

[Cassie]

I know it never goes away. I just wish it did. for some reason, it is worse some days than others. I have no idea why. but I've never tried talking to people before. I was told by my tutor when I was 17, to go to the college Councillor about my problems of depression and such cause by my rape and sexual abuse from when I was 16 and the abuse (if it was abuse) from my brother-in-law. the reason I say I don't know if it was or wasn't is because I was so messed up back then that I thought it was or just jumped to a conclusion that that was what it was going to become. since then he has helped me a lot with college and work etc.... it didn't help. they said they might have to call the police because of it, and I didn't want them to... so I didn't go again.

I feel like I have messed my life up as well. I'm trying to look on the bright side and my boyfriend has asked me to move in with him next year, which I think is sweet. so there are some good things going on in my life. I just need to concentrate on the good parts and try not to think of my past, but as everyone on here knows, it's not so easy.

Thank you very much for the slight advice and talking back to me and reading my comment. people on here are really nice.

[Phoenix]

Yes, they are a really nice bunch of people on here.

To be honest when I first joined this board I was so messed up that even in spite of my husband's love and strength and support I still blamed myself for what happened.

It was a friend, I was drunk, I was dressed like a slut and talking and behaving like one.

He misread my signals as being a come-on and raped me.

It really has taken me until a few months ago to finally understand that it wasn't my fault.

Even now I still can't help feeling guilt.

I orgasmed when I was raped - how sick is that?

I still can't forget that and to be honest I doubt if I'll ever be able to come to terms with that.

You are obviously a sensitive, strong and (I suspect) kind and loving person who deserves better from life.

I can only give you a "virtual" hug but it's from the bottom of my mixed-up heart, Cassie!

[Cassie]

It was a friend, I was drunk, I was dressed like a slut and talking and behaving like one.

That still gives them no right to do that. I have been unlucky enough to have been raped twice. once by my boyfriend at the time and the other by my friend...at the time. my boyfriend at the time stole my virginity without telling me (that sounds stupid, but if you don't expect it and don't know what it should feel like...) and my friend spiked my drink at his party. I don't even remember all of it. just bits. I fancied him at the time but I didn't want to sleep with him...not straight away. and then I remember trying to take my make-up off and throwing up and then being in bed, pinned down while he was on top of me naked. I don't know if we HAD sex, but I don't know why he was pinning me down and from my memory, everything that happened points in the direction that we did. and he has the nerve to try and talk to me when he sees me. it's sick and I hate him.