Dont know how to help friend who was raped

[Bear]

A good female friend was raped recently by a man we all knew and considered a friend. She was having a party at her flat and everyone was leaving in the early hours of the morning. I had just got home when she called me telling me she had just been raped by this guy and that i had to come over to get her. I rushed back to her to find she had locked herself in the toilet and was uncontrollably crying and shaking. After she had calmed down and we had spoken about what had happened we went down to the police station and took it from there.

The problem is this was four days ago and i still feel really angry and depressed and i dont know how i can help her anymore, to make matters worse until the foresics comes back the guy is able to walk around freely!, i just want teach him a lesson and also try to help my friend but im confused as i dont want to make matters worse, i dont know what to do. Does anyone have any advice as to how i can help her?

I also feel as if i just want to protect her all the time and never leave her side. Would this be unhelpfull and why do I feel so bad about this?

[diana_holbourn]

There's a web page for friends and partners of rape and sexual assault victims which answers the questions you ask. A little of it won't be relevant because it relates to partners, but most of it will be: For Friends and Significant Others.

The best thing you can do for her right now might just be to listen and let her know you're supportive of her. Going after her attacker might land you in jail, which would upset her a lot. The web page addresses the question of anger towards attackers first. Over-protecting her might hinder her recovery as it might make her feel helpless, whereas she will soon want to start feeling as if she can take care of herself again.

It can sometimes be worse for someone to be raped by someone they thought was a friend, because they trusted that person and the trust has been betrayed. You probably feel your trust in him has been betrayed as well. You don't need to feel bad about not being there to protect her though. You couldn't have known it would happen.

I hope it isn't long before they get the evidence to lock him up and I hope for a favourable outcome for you in the case!

[Towermouse]

It might help your friend to know that once he is convicted he will get a lengthy sentence and its very unlikely as a sex offender he will get released at the halfway point as with other crimes. He will also be put on the sex offenders register for life and this will mean he is unlikely to ever be able to work again or form a relationship as anyone he goes with will be told and he will be monitored for years after he leaves prison. In spite of all the talk about short sntences a conviction for such a crime is akin to a life sentence. Its great she has a friend she can turn to, the worst for her is when she is on her own and has time to dwell on the incident, probably blaming herself for putting herself in that situation. Be with her and try to act normally and encourage her to try and put it behind her or her own lack of self esteem will destroy her life.
Good luck to you both, keep strong.

[maria]

hi bear i hope you are both doing ok... have you tried to get her to go to her doctors and ask for some counciling this might help but at the mo the best thing you can do for her is be there for her when she needs you i hope you both get this guy locked up good luck stay safe and take care keep us updated we are all here to support you both luv maria x