Tweet
My wife was raped a couple of years ago and has only just told me. She had something put into her drink while out with friends. Basically my wife has left me a couple of weeks ago because she is going through emmense emotional trauma, and the problem has re-surfaced for her. As she did not tell me straight away, she found it harder and harder to tell me, so in the end kept it to herself. We are speaking on the phone and love each other very very much but she has developed a fear of being physically touched, even to be hugged. I am going through an emotional rolacoaster too, as I know my wife is suffering deeply, but I cannot do anything about it. She tells me she went to couselling for six months after the incedent, and I believe she needs to go again maybe, now that she is going through pain again. I just wondered if I could speak with someone, and give me some advice on what I can do to help her. Who do I call, etc? Could you please resond because I am becoming quite a frantic husband. I only care for her, and want her to get better.
-
-
You could suggest she phones Rape Crisis. Or you could try phoning them for advice yourself although I don't know if they talk to partners of women who've been raped. They have pages on their website with helpline numbers: http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/helplinenumbers.htm
I think they give free counselling.
Some counselling can help people much more quickly than other types. It will help her most if she can find a counsellor who specialises in brief therapy that aims to help people find solutions to their problems as quickly as possible rather than the type of counselling where people just go over them in detail again and again.My self-help articles on problems ranging from depression and phobias to marriage difficulties, to looking after children and teenagers, to addictions and destructive behaviours like anorexia, to bullying, to losing weight, to debating skills: http://broadcaster.org.uk/self-help
And my article: How to Avoid Falling for Many False Claims or Fears of the Supernatural -
Diana
Thankyou for your help. I am at my wits end for her. We are talking, but she cannot face being close. She went for counselling after the incendent two years ago for six months, but believe that because she never told the person most close to her, me, my wife was never able to cope with what happened fully. It has slowly built up and resurfaced. I know I must give her time and be patient, however, she needs help, so I will suggest she seeks professional help again without being too pushy.
If you think of any other advice, I would be grateful, as I do not understand what she is going through, other than knowing it is very painful.
She is very fearful of not being able to get back with me again, and our relationship being as it was. As we are still very much in love (we say this to each other on the phone), this is very hard on both of us. I pray time will heal.
Thankyou
PeteComment
-
She's probably feeling very insecure because someone betrayed her trust in such a sudden dramatic way, and she might be feeling dirty/contaminated because of what happened. Or being touched might remind her of what happened, and even though she knows you don't mean her any harm, the emotional part of the brain can work more quickly than the thinking part, so before she's had time to reason with herself that this is a totally different situation, the memories it brings back may trigger an instant reaction in the emotional part of her brain which will make her very stressed very quickly. The brain's designed to work like that because in the old days when humans were more in danger from predators, a quick response would more often have been needed to motivate people to react quickly to get out of the way or fight them. But now the system doesn't need to be used so much and it can easily be triggered off inappropriately. She might benefit a lot from doing relaxation techniques which will stop her feeling so anxious. There's a new trauma counselling technique called the rewind technique, but it's also called the fast phobia cure. People who can remember events that happened to them can think them through repeatedly in a state of deep relaxation when it doesn't upset them so much, and then afterwards, they can think about them without it upsetting them so much; but I don't know how that would work if she can't remember much about the rape because she was drugged; however, she could think about doing things that currently make her anxious while very relaxed, and that might make her begin to feel less anxious about them afterwards. I told someone about the rewind technique in another thread here: http://www.broadcaster.org.uk/invision_for...p?showtopic=182
I don't know how easy it would be to get that type of counselling, but you could ask, and she could do a lot of relaxation exercises on her own. There are quite a lot of sites on the Internet that suggest and guide people through some. I've linked to one in that thread.My self-help articles on problems ranging from depression and phobias to marriage difficulties, to looking after children and teenagers, to addictions and destructive behaviours like anorexia, to bullying, to losing weight, to debating skills: http://broadcaster.org.uk/self-help
And my article: How to Avoid Falling for Many False Claims or Fears of the SupernaturalComment
-
hi pete,
my name is ann and i was touched by your mail about your wife. you are to be commended for the immense support and caring you are giving your her in this desperately traumatic time for you both. i myself am a survivor (i prefer it to victim!
of drug rape. i found a site from which i have gained great support and information about this parcticular type of sexual assault. not sure proper address but a search for the roofie foundation will get you there. maybe you could recommend it to your wife? most certainly have a look yourself as it will let you see you are not alone. i read quite a few mails on it from worried husbands and partners. please hang in there for the relationship as it is clear from your mail you love her dearly. it won't always be like this. you CAN get past it together. good luck! ann
Comment
-
I'd diet but I'm not in the moooo-dComment
-
Hi,
I was drug raped 3 months ago. I didn't tell my husband for a few weeks and then decided to. I would definately recommend the Roofie website and it may help both of you - my husband reads the forum regularly and has found it very helpful.
You both need support to get through this and the site will help, it also has a 24hr free helpline.
I know I find it very hard to cope and carry on and have a very long way to go to with this but with support and people to talk to it helps.
I have just had an initial assessment with rape crisis yesterday and they provide counselling for up to 3 years - perhaps this is what is needed for us rather than a short sharp burst. Rape Crisis also have womens helplines a couple of evenings a week for support over the phone.
Take care both of you xComment
Comment