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**diana_holbourn** · 27 January 2005, 11:40 PM

Yes, some trauma counselling actually makes things worse, because it just brings back old memories that it's very upsetting to think about. But there's a type of counselling that takes a totally different approach. It's called the rewind technique. I had it explained to me more fully just yesterday. The counsellor will probably want you to talk about what happened for a minute or so, but then they put you into deep relaxation, and then ask you to imagine you're doing something you find really soothing and enjoyable like walking in a woodland area, where you feel nice and safe. Then they ask you to imagine you're floating out of yourself, and then to imagine you're watching yourself watching something bad that happened to you on a television screen. They ask you to imagine it was fast forwarding through the experience. Then they ask you to imagine it was rewinding, so you imagine you're watching yourself watching it all backwards. Then you imagine it going forwards and backwards over various bits of it, until you don't feel any emotion while you're watching yourself watching it. Sometimes in the first session, they ask you to imagine the worst thing that happened, and then in subsequent sessions they ask you to use the technique to imagine the other things. Some counsellors might use variations of the technique. But it's supposed to be much less upsetting than conventional trauma counselling, and you hardly have to tell the counsellor anything about it at all, since it's just going on in your mind.

I don't know how easy it would be for you to find a counsellor who practiced the technique. But it's worth asking. It may be possible to do the technique without a counsellor. You can buy a tape that takes you through a routine like that from http://www.uncommon-knowledge.co.uk/person...prevention.html
The tape's for people with panic attacks mainly, but the relaxation exercises might come in useful. If they don't, they say you can get your money back if it's within 90 days.

But you can find relaxation exercises free on the Internet. There are some at this site, for instance: http://www.allaboutdepression.com/relax/
Some of them encourage you to focus on breathing slowly and steadily to calm yourself down. Some get you to imagine nice scenes, or to imagine your upsetting thoughts are being carried away on Autumn leaves or things like that, and some encourage you to focus all your attention on your breathing or imagining how relaxed you're becoming, to take your mind off your upsetting thoughts and focus on something that's happening right now instead. They say that if you do them regularly, they'll become a routine, so you can start to control your breathing immediately you begin to get upset, and in a short time, you'll feel calmer. Some people recommend that you spend longer breathing out than you do breathing in, saying that works better. They recommend, for instance, that you breathe in to the count of 7 and breathe out to the count of 11.

Hope that helps.

**Taylirr** · 30 January 2005, 12:02 AM

Hi Diane, thanks alot for replying to my post. The type of counselling that you mentioned in your post sounds really good but I just don't know if I could handle it. I know that's stupid because counselling is what is going to help me but just the thought of doing it terrifies me. I never thought I could be so scared of 1 man and the things he has done but I am, I really am. I don't know what to do because I really need to talk about it with someone but I don't want to bother people because they went through this with me 2 years ago. It's not fair.
I'm trying to concentrate on other things like taking care of my daughter and my schoolwork but it's always at the back of my mind.
Please anyone help if you can.

Take Care

Taylirr xx

**diana_holbourn** · 30 January 2005, 09:20 AM

The thing with this type of counselling is that it's quick, you're in a really relaxed state while you think about things so you apparently don't get upset like you would if you were in a normal state, and you don't have to go away having distressed yourself by talking about it a lot. It's also called the fast phobia cure. It's supposed to be good for relieving anxiety quickly. I don't know how quickly you could get that type of counselling, but I don't suppose your doctor would mind investigating if you explained the problem.

I'd encourage you to try relaxation techniques on your own though, to help you calm down and feel less emotional about things. Sometimes, just concentrating on controlling your breathing and slowing it down, and trying to focus on that while dismissing other thoughts from your mind for a while can make you feel a bit better. And if you keep feeling scared thinking about him, I'd advise you to keep reassuring yourself firmly that he can't hurt you now because he's in jail. That might be more effective if you use relaxation techniques at the same time, because when people are feeling really emotional, the brain gets swamped with so many signals that thoughts like that have a hard time getting through. When a person relaxes, the signals subside, so the thoughts can be taken in better.

But if you want to chat, there's someone who used to post advice here who doesn't any more because she got so upset by the conversations about false accusers who were said to be in it for the compensation money on here, but who'd be happy to correspond with you via email. Then you can say what you want to say at your own pace, without feeling pressured to say anything by a counsellor in a face-to-face conversation. But she's just become a trained counsellor working with rape survivors, so perhaps she'd be willing to counsel you. You can email her from the board here: http://www.broadcaster.org.uk/invision_for...l&CODE=00&MID=5
She said she doesn't mind me giving you her email address, so I will if you like, but I'll do it this way for now, because the more often email addresses are put on the Internet, the more likely it is that spammers will get them.

Or you can get counselling from a rape crisis organisation. If you put the term "rape crisis" into Google with the name of your nearest town, you'll probably find the phone number of your nearest branch. I'm sure they won't mind speaking to you again if you've spoken to them before. They understand that these problems can be long-term. And I'm sure they'd be happy for you to just have a one-off chat with them as well if you wanted. You could ask them if they have any advice about dealing with intrusive memories. They probably will have, since it's a common problem. And I think there are several good resources on the Internet about that as well.

I've noticed you trying to help other people on here. Thanks for that. I appreciate it when other people try to give advice. You must be a caring person to want to do that, and to want to care for your baby instead of disliking her because of the father.

**Taylirr** · 31 January 2005, 11:04 PM

Hi Diana (sorry for calling you Diane in my last post, I didn't realise), I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me. It means more than you probably think.
I will definately try the relaxation tips you gave to me as I do tend to get myself worked up very easily and quickly. I know that it's stupid to still think he can hurt me when he is in prison but it's just something that my head can't understand.
Thanks very much for giving me that address, I will go on it.
I have tried to help other people here and I don't know if my advice is worth anything to anyone but even if it helps just one person then I'm happy.
As for my daughter, she is only a baby, only 1 and a half years old, there is no way I could blame her for anything that has happened or resent her in any way. She is as much a victim as anyone else as she is going to have to grow up without a father and one day she will have to be told who her father was. That's not going to be easy for her and I don't know when will be the right time to tell her but I have to take that as it comes. Shelbie is gorgeous, she looks nothing like her father, and when I see her it just shows me that there's good in every situation. Without everything that happened, I would not have Shelbie and I wouldn't give her up for the world. I remember when I first found out that I was pregnant and I didn't want to keep the baby because I didn't want a part of him inside me but she couldn't be more different to him if she tried. She's beautiful and she'll never be like him, ever.
Anyway, thanks again for replying and I will take you up on your advice.

Take Care

Taylirr xx

**diana_holbourn** · 1 February 2005, 12:21 PM

You might benefit from the advice I gave Graham yesterday in one of the bullying forums which is similar to what I've been saying to you. He says he's suffering severe nightmares because of the bullying he received at school. Here's the link to what I said to him yesterday:
http://www.broadcaster.org.uk/invision_for...&st=0&#entry805

There is a different type of relaxation exercise that will hopefully also help, on the website here: Relaxation Exercise. It's to do with tensing and relaxing the muscles. Perhaps it's best not to do that for too long at any one time or too often in case you accidentally pull some, but it might sometimes come in useful as an exercise to do with the others.

Again, thanks for trying to help others on here.

(And don't worry about calling me Diane. I quite like it sometimes.)

**Saffron** · 1 February 2005, 12:23 PM

Taylirr

I would just like to say that I have an incredible amount of respect for you. You sound like a wonderful parent, and a very strong person for working through such dreadful trauma.

Your daughter will never be anything like her biological father because she has yu looking after her, and teaching her to be a good person. Your story is desperately sad and harrowing, but also inspirational and uplifting. I am sure that reading it will give strength to others.

Saffron

**maria** · 3 February 2005, 08:40 PM

i agree with you there saffron she seems to be a very brave young lady x

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