raped by my ex-partner

[tara]

well he got out on friday its so unfair, he was out in our local town friday night calling me everything under the sun according to reports back. Obviously I dont go there anymore and havent for 7 months now (to be honest I dont go anywhere anymore thanks to him).

There was an article in the paper on the front page solely for him it was discusting what the press wrote - making him look so good - calling it a rape claim nightmare and how there was no realistic prospect of a conviction nice .... then how this whole episode has ruined his life - what about mine? it goes on with him thanking everyone for all their support letters etc and how he has lost his job, life etc... father of three.... yeah right he cant even see his kids and hasnt for years due to assaults against his ex partners - it then goes on to say that he did plead guilty to harrasment against the complainant(me) and abh against another complainant and recieved a total sentence of 15 months - but nobody seems to notice that bit

Furthermore whilst driving through a village near town last night on the way home I passed him - I immediately panicked couldnt stop crying first time i have seen him since that night!

Ive never felt so scared ... its hitting me now - i cant believe he is out - its wrong there is no justice I feel like I cant escape now cause there is always a chance that I will bump into him - I cant leave my town as ive worked so hard to be in the position I am within my career my family keep telling me its not worth it to leave that he wins if i do - but that really doesnt matter so much now i just want to be away from him - i thought i was strong but im not - im petrified like never before i am 100% sure he will get his revenge and im just siiting here waiting for it to happen what can i do?

The police keep calling me making sure i am ok - i have managed to get exclusion orders in until september where my family are so he cant come near but after that who knows - aparantly if he does harras me again or anything to that nature then he will get 5 years imprisonment. The police are concerned for me cause of the type of guy he is - so why let him go - something is so wrong here - i met with cid to see a full breakdown of why the case was dropped two days before court - you wouldnt believe it - its all wrong everything is contradictory - a total communication breakdown - its all wrong - it doesnt make sense according to them I claim that I was unaware of the video mentioned in previous post - how can that be when i told them where to find it and what happened on it etc... furthermore they claim that my mother didnt wish to make a statement - of course she did - due to sickness the main cid in charge of the case was off for three months of the case and so they kept posponing the statement until they had persons available - my mother was the one to report the rape this is all wrong - if i had been allowed to see cps then the communication would not have broken down - somebody screwed up and now im the one having to pay...

Sorry to go on but im not too good at the moment- i cant seem to concentrate on anything else at all - what can i do

[Snoopyseed]

Hun im so sorry that you havent got the justice you so fairly deserve.
We know the police screw up sometimes and this is just so awful that it has happened on this occasion.
I understand too that you dont want to move because of your career, family etc, that by moving its like he has won, but hun this is your wellbeing we ar talking about, your safety, and the rest of your life.
You cannot carry on living in a sheer state of fear its not fair on you and its not right either.
It might look like he has won if you move away, but by moving you are actually winning because the best revenge you can get is to lead a happy, worry free , fear free life.
I felt the same way as you for a long time, i even saw my rapist when i was out and about the the b*stard blew me kisses across the street, it took many months on the therapists couch to heal from that incident alone.I dont want you to have to go through something like that or worse.
This man sounds like it wont be long before he is in trouble again, but that is no good to you waiting to hear if he has been locked up for something else.
I felt that if i moved away it would be like he had won, but i tell you something since i moved 140 miles away from the monster who attacked me, i havent felt like he has won, in fact i feel free.
Jobs can come and go, so can houses and your family are supportive and even if they may not like you moving, they will come round as its your life.They cant possibly understand what its like for you, the fear you feel, and how much panic and shock you experience at the thought of seeing him, i do understand however, as ive been there and got the tshirt, about 5 times!

I moved after much torture, and stubborness (He wont force me to move away, im stronger than that attitude) but in the end, i became so unwell i couldnt actually go out of the front door, i became seriously ill physically and at one point suicidal.

I acknowledged the fact that moving away isnt cowardly, in fact its empowering because you are in essence taking back your power and moving on and healing.
Please have a serious think about moving.

Blessings

Snoopy

[marieke]

Dear Tara,
I have just read the whole topic and am horrified to see how that legal case went.
However I must you had the courage and guts to take this to court and that is very brave. I can't say I had that courage, my r..ist was under diplomatic protection that would have made a prosecution extremely difficult.

Girl, you have mastered more courage and strength than 10 average women could possibly in their whole life, you of all people deserve the happiest life possible
All the best
xx
marieke

[tara]

thank you so much for saying such wonderful things - I only wish I thought the same that it was worth it I just feel like I need a brake from this nightmare now - I dont want him to get away with it but I dont think I can take much more - I want to get on with my life
I feel like I can breath again - afraid I am but it is over - I will continue with my complaints against the CPS/ etc although I just need to have some normality in my life just for a while without any stress - its been such a long time since ive had some peace

thank you all for all your support - I will keep you updated

[tara]

Hi there - I need some advice and time is not on my side

you will see with all the correspondance that my case was dropped in the end with my attacker/ ex pleading to a lesser charge and getting away with raping and abusing me.

Although he was sentenced to 15 months he got out in may and his licence expires next month, I have moved house but work in the same job a before and know that he has found out were I have moved to (another town) the police/ CID have not been helpful at all - neither have victim liason they say they will call me back but dont - the CID dont even return my calls - always too busy or off sick - just like when I first reported the violence thus resulting in rape after months of abuse. Can you believe my ex was supposed to have been warned with the harrasment order and due to the officer dealing with the matter leaving work for maternity leave it was never dealt with. Meanwhile my ex threatened my 16 year old brother at knife point if I didnt get back with him. Im so angry.

Loosing hope in the system it lead to this - I never made a formal complaint - now I want to and the neglet throughout this case - and now they cant even be bothered to put panic buttons in my house after all of this when they keep promising to do it - now I have moved out of the area they couldnt care less. Meanwhile every night I worry if he might come for me - tired of trying to get this sorted with panic buttons I want to make a complaint - his licence runs out next month and I dont feel protected and believe me this man always bears a grudge its not a matter of if its when and the police know this - Im not his first victim and I wont be the last

Im so scared and so angry this is not fair Ive done everything I can can somebody help me - who do I see about reporting the neglet towards me the case and the safety of my family as promised

Hope Ive made sense cant concentrate this is just how its coming out

[Saffron]

Hello Tara

I'm so sorry to hear of all this.

Have you contact the Police Complaints Commission? www.ipcc.gov.uk They have an obligation to take every complaint seriously. There is an online application form that you can fill out. It may also be worth writing to your MP, or going along to one of his/her open surgeries, which I believe are held weekly/biweekly.

I appreciate that time is not on your side, so maybe you could contact a solicitor and ask him to apply for a restraining order. You can also get very good advice from the Citizens Advice Bureau, and that is free.

I am sure I don't need to tell you to make sure your loved ones are aware of this man's licence expiry, and warn them to be alert. It may also be wroth investing in a proper security lock for your house, although they are expensive.

I am so sorry to hear that he is still making your life hell. You are a very strong lady. Good luck x

[tara]

Hi all - Just thought I should let you know that I didnt proceed with the complaints - I made a formal complaint via telephone and received a load of feedback and more support - I just havent got it in me on Monday it is a year to the day and Im thinking about it alot - I feel stupid to get upset about it like people will think im strange but just recently Ive started thinking about him alot and what should have happened to him - Im so happy in my new life now - I have fallen in love with the kindest man ive ever known and never been so happy but it seems as though martin (my ex) will never dissapear. Thankfully I have not had any problems with him now that I have moved he has no idea where I am

How can I get him out of my mind - I suppose what I keep getting are what you refer to as flashbacks - the type of dreams I have can be quite hurendous or even sometimes meaningless but all the same he is there! what can I do to rid this man from my mind - I dont want it to effect what I have now

tara

[diana_holbourn]

I'm glad you're happy in your new life. It's nice to know you're getting on a lot better now.

It's no wonder you should think of your ex-partner and what should have happened so near to the anniversary. It's bound to remind you and upset you; there's nothing strange about it.

The trouble is, though, that the more you think about it and worry over the symptoms you're getting, the more they can come on. If you make a deliberate effort to stop yourself every time you have a negative thought about him, even a little one, and try to replace it with positive thoughts about your new life, you'll hopefully stop your brain from getting worked up into the state where the horrible symptoms come on. But if they do come on while you're awake, the sooner you can stop them each time, before they've really taken ahold, the easier it will be. If the instant you notice something that makes you think they're beginning to come on, you say "Stop" to yourself and then try to distract yourself by focusing as hard as you can on thinking about the things around you, then hopefully they'll go away or won't be as bad.

[tara]

Hi again its been a while - I need some advice....

After changing my life moving on and finding happiness I really have come to terms with everything now and I am in love with the most fantastic man I ever did meet.

But I had some bad news last week.

It turns out the mobile phone I provided as evidence in my case and NEVER returned has ended up in the posession of my ex - I know this as he has been tellingeverybody and so this has got back to me.

He has started sending threatening text to members of my family saying he is back on his feet big time and its time to put things straight not threatening me but those around me.

Ive called the police they have told me I have to take it through normal channels i.e like a new complaint even with the history this man has etc...

I cant believe im eing treated like this - I also know that he is on probation until January and has been in loads of trouble - he beat two people up last week and police found him and escorted him out of a nightclub but nothing happened.

He also ended up in another fight the other week leading to in juries he has suffered which are quite visual as far as Im told but again no action has been taken against him.

The officer I spoke to told me (CID) that when they hear his name they turn the other way - exact words Im discusted something very strange is going on, Ive heard that he is a police informer but again everything ive told you is hearsay as I have nothing to do with my old town or very many people that live there anymore. I cant help but think its all in my head but theres too much to ignore it.

I dont know what to do, this is a man that will never give up - ive seen what he has done to people and not to mention what he has already done to me, it effecting my relationship Im scared to be on my own most the time and even though ive moved he knows where I am and all my family

I just dont feel protected and I have done everything that I possibly can please help.

[diana_holbourn]

Maybe it would help to contact another police force and ask advice, and ask what you'd have to do if you wanted a police force in a particular area to be investigated for corruption even. You could try contacting Sapphire again, the Metropolitan Police's organisation dealing with sexual offences. They might be able to give you advice on how your family can protect themselves and on ways of getting him arrested. You can find their contact details here: http://www.met.police.uk/sapphire/sapphire_contact.htm

I think your family ought to keep all the texts he sends them so they can pass them on to the police, since it might get him charged with stalking or harassment. Even threatening via the phone on its own can get people a prison sentence, I think.

It might be as well if you and your family carry attack alarms and mobile phones with you at all times, in the hope that they can put him off and call the police quickly if he does turn up.