raped by my ex-partner

[diana_holbourn]

There's no need to apologise for expressing your concerns here.

One problem is that when people take someone to court in a criminal trial, they're only considered a witness, and so they're not, as far as I'm aware, entitled to their own lawyer who can represent them. In America, they changed the law so rape victims do get their own lawyers who see them several times before the trial and talk them through things they're concerned about. I think the law should be changed so it's like that here, because I don't know if there's that much you can do to make sure you get someone good, and a lot of them are only junior and aren't very good! Sometimes, people don't know who they're going to get till the morning of the trial and they don't appear to do that much preparation. But maybe if you speak to the CPS a lot about it, they'll try harder to get you someone suitable.

Perhaps when you go to Rape Crisis, you ought to focus on the future and whether there's any advice they can give you about the court proceedings, rather than dragging up the past again and thinking about how terrible it was. If you start dwelling on the past and thinking the situation's so awful that there might not be any hope, you probably will get depressed again. I think the best thing to do is what you're doing at the moment - thinking through everything you can do to try and get him put away and trying to plan for all eventualities. If you do talk about what he did a lot, at least try to end the session on a positive, solution-focused note, so you leave feeling a little optimistic rather than depressed. Let us know how you get on at Rape Crisis.

[Snoopyseed]

Tara im very concerned that you mentioned you have not had a period. When i was raped i fell pregnant from it, i do not want to alarm you by this but it is a possibility that you could be pregnant, please go and see your GP immediately, i cannot express to you how important that it is to get checked out. You also should of been offered emergency contraception?
Please make sure you have a sexual health check up if you have not already.As a result of my rape i fell pregnant, but miscarried... however i also caught clamydia which turned into Pelvic Infflammatory Disease, this can lead to infertility.
I do not want to alarm you, but please make sure all is well with your sexual health.
Snoopy

[diana_holbourn]

Tara, how did you get on at Rape Crisis? Were they helpful, or did you think they were more of a hindrance than a help because they made you get very upset about what happened all over again? If so, it would be useful for us to know that, so we'll be cautious about advising others to go there.

[Guest]

Hi everyone sorry i havent got back to you until now. Ive been finding things pretty hard to cope with but now have decided to get on with this - i nearly dropped it but i know i cant.

Police and cps have decided that at this moment i dont need to make a statement about the video evidence we discussed and really have not been calling me a great deal. Not sure to worry about that or not.

They say nothing has really worried them too much and that everything is going how they would expect.

My ex-partner applied for bail again on friday last week and didnt get it so he now has to wait until jan 6th for his plea date. He had been writting to everyone so convinced he was getting out for xmas he has been there since oct 4th and isnt very happy about it at all. Surely that means we have lots of evidence on him ??- he has written to friends of his telling them that they have strong evidence against me to prove im a liar and that i am perverting the course of justice - i am really scared cause i cant think what he has been planning like i said hes very cunning and im sure the type of person he is he could get people to lie for him.

i also wanted to let you know that re my health etc everything is fine i was concerned about being pregnant as you know but i am not thank goodness. i wont let this man beat me he cannot scare me anymore ive had enough of this torment its about time he realised that he cant carry on being such a bully.

You also asked me about rape crisis yes it was very good but to be honest i only went the one time - i just dont think it was appropriate for me but yes i believe that they are very good at what they do and are very supportive. its just not for me - i have found my strength in my family and friends who i love and have supported me through it all i am doing this really for them - without them i probably would not have coped

i want to have a nice christmas for a change and be with the people i love - sadly for my ex-partners family they will not have such a good christmas but ive done blaming myself my ex-partner put himself in prison it was his doing and he needs to be punished for what he has done to me.

[diana_holbourn]

Hello again Tara

Glad to hear from you again. Thanks for letting us know how you're getting on. Some people post here asking for advice and then we never hear from them again so we're concerned about how they're getting on or wonder if some advice we gave them wasn't that good and things didn't turn out very well. So it's nice to hear back from people. Let us know how things go. Did you contact the person from the police unit Sapphire whose contact details I gave you in the private message I sent you? If you didn't get it for some reason, I could give you the contact details again. She might be able to give you more advice on the best ways to prepare for the trial.

It seems that a few people have posted recently, including you, and me once, not realising they've been logged out. So we're named "Guest". I think the board must automatically log people out if they haven't posted for a certain amount of time. Never mind.

Anyway, I wish you all the best.

[tara]

Hi everyone!

Sorry its been a while - Ive been trying to get my life back together -
My ex pleaded not guilty to two charges against me on the 6th of January so I am going to court to give evidence hes been on remand now since oct 5th - surely they have enough evidence??

Im so worried - my family have recieved threatening letters which I have passed to the police - im in the process of letting my house and moving, changing my car everything I can think of just incase this evil man gets away with what he has done to me. He has told everyone that he knows that hes going to kill me - it keeps getting back to me - and I know he means it!

Furthermore a friend of mine whom I met through my ex-partner (who has become very close to me through all of this) came clean last week and told me that she thinks he drugged her in August she cant remember anything but she woke up in his bed with no clothes on after a night out but not only my ex knew about this, there was another person that stayed there that night too - she can remember bits involving them all - she has been mortified about this - she has been signed off work, her and her boyfriend are having terrible problems now cause shes not dealing with not knowing what happened to her and the fact that they were friends for 15 years makes me sick that he could do such a thing to her, he claimed she was ill so he undressed her - but the things she remembers tell a different story - shes not sure if they really happened or not or whether she has made it up in her mind - she felt terrible for days after and hadnt been drinking alot the night before -

This man is evil and if he doesnt get convicted I will loose all trust in the system - he will find me if he gets out I know it - hes not mentally stable and I know now that im not the only victim of his abuse or even my friend - I live in Derbyshire apparantly one of the worst places for date rape attacks according to the police - he needs to be convicted im convinced hes the one that has been comitting these attacks or alot of them anyway there is a picture forming and everything feels like its coming into place. There is nothing I want more in my life right now than to get justice and be free of this monster. The fact that I was engaged to this man once discusts me to think that he was such a different person to whom I thought he was.

I have asked that I face him in court and the jury when I give evidence so that he knows I will not be scared of him anymore if im screened off to give evidence it will show that im intimidated - yes I am but Im not letting him see that I must give my all with this case not just for me but also my friend and the safety of other women. Unfortunately I dont think she will go to the police about this and im not going to force her - she is only just managing to cope with it now she has admitted to whats wrong with her. I think it would destroy her if she had to go to court - My main concern is that she deals with it and together we can support one another. Sorry I have gone on again but it does help to let it out.

My ex - is in court again on the 18th of feb and a court date will be set - they are looking at a five day trial at the moment - is this normal length of time? also CID have told me that everything is running how they would expect it to - I dont know if that is good or bad but they have said nothing has worried them up to now.

I just pray to god every day that for once in my life things will go my way - I deserve justice!!

[Taylirr]

Hi Tara, I've just read this whole thread and I'd like to say one thing first and that is that you are really brave for going to court with this and seeing it through. I know how hard this must be for you but I think you're really courageous. I can't answer alot of your questions - I'm sure other people will be able to - because I was only 13 when I had to go to court so I didn't get told much by the police.
However, I think that it sounds as though this guy is a maniac and if you tell the courts what you have said on this board, they would have a hard job not convicting him.

Take Care

Taylirr xx

[diana_holbourn]

Don't worry about writing long messages. If it helps you to unburden yourself here, that's fine.

Hopefully he'll get convicted. In case he doesn't, maybe you should see a solicitor about making an injunction against him that says he's not allowed to come withing 100 yards of you or something. That way, the police can arrest him if he does, so if you see him anywhere near you, you can call the police before he does anything to you. Perhaps you ought to keep a mobile phone on you all the time, as well as an attack alarm. And I think you should look into self-defence classes if you haven't already.

[tara]

Hi again!

thanks for your responses - it really helps me dont ask me why but I dont talk about it with people i know much now cause i feel like i sound like im going on a bit - so pretty much act like it was a bad dream or something - strange but true - i dont think reality has kicked in yet - of course im scared but it doesnt really feel real.

Although saying that I have sold my house last couple of months - need to get away - and yes I am taking self defence classes although he is an ex boxer - i wouldnt stand a chance

Im so desperate to move on in my life but how ever much i try I am succeeding but i will not move on till this is over

It looks like court will be around august time so at least he will have ahd 10 months on remand - he will definitly not get bail according to the police.

his case for gbh against someone lese is also coming up - he tried to get me to committ perjury with this case threatening me to make a statement regarding his aliby - i wouldnt do it this was just before he raped me - apparantly they are trying to charge him with peverting the course of justice - i dont know for sure if it is for that because it was a closed court on his plea date (i found this out from an editorial friend in the press that heard it from his solicitor) the police dont know anythig about it so im not holding my breath - how can i find out progress on other cases such as his gbh - is there a way? thanks again

[diana_holbourn]

Some self-defence classes are better than others. If they give the impression that you could fight someone strength for strength, they're not that good. The best ones will teach you techniques for going for people where they're most vulnerable and getting out of situations using surprise tactics or sleight of hand rather than force. An example of the first would be making a sudden forceful movement and ramming your thumb into his eye. Being assertive if you meet him might put him off, at least temporarily, because the more he thinks you're afraid of him, the more power he's going to think he has over you, and so the more he might take advantage of that by being abusive. If you saw him coming and shouted firmly to him, looking as if you seriously meant it, "I've been doing self-defence classes, and if you lay one finger on me or my property, I'll have no hesitation in ramming my thumb and finger into your eyes and pulling out your eyeballs!", it just might intimidate him a bit. I don't know if it would work, but it might help, even if it was just long enough for you to get a headstart in calling the police. And then if he did try to attack you and you did go for his eyes and do them some serious damage, you hopefully wouldn't get into trouble if the police came, because the law does allow people to use reasonable force in defending themselves.

A couple of people in my family did a martial art for a while called Aikido which is to do with self-defence rather than attacking people. I don't know how much it would help them, but it teaches techniques like grabbing someone by the arm and pulling them suddenly one way so they lose their balance and you pull them over, and grabbing their arm and twisting it round their back to immobilize them. It might be worth investigating.

I don't know if there's a way to find out the progress on people's court cases.

[val lavender]

Hi Tara

I would be very wary of most "self defence" methods, it takes a long time to become profficient enough to be able to rely on them.

I spent twelve years in the forces and three in the police and I would still not hesitate to run away from an aggressor. It not about heroics or pugalistic ability. Anyone can inflict very serious injuries very easily and as a general rule whoever gets in first wins.

The best solution to any confrontational situation is to avoid them in the first place and if that cant be done run like hell. Actually physically defending yourself should be a last resort.

If there is no other way Diana is quite right that a good jab in the eyes is a great leveller but risky as you have to reach out to do this, which leaves you very vulnerable to a counter attack or being yanked of your feet by your arm. A kick to the groin, shins or kneecaps is a much safer bet.

If you do end up in a clinched situation the best cure is to stamp as hard as you can on the instep of your assailant , break free and run away

Most police forces sell attack alarm units at reasonable prices and they can be quiet effectice.

A mobile phone is a must if you are really concerned about the possibility of attack, though the length of time the emergancy operators take to connect you to the police can be a problem. If you simple shout that you are under attack and give them a location, leave the phone "open" and get on with escaping or defending yourself.

There are a few very nasty sef defence tricks that I know but this forum is not the place to discuss them and I would get a rocket off Uncle Phil of I posted them so you will have to PM me if you want to know them.

It might be a good idea for you to contact your local beat officer and make sure that he is aware of your concerns and make sure that any response to a call from yourself or your address is treated as a priority matter. He may also be able to find out the result of court cases if he feels that it is in the interest of your safety to know

In terms of finding out the outcome of a court case this is fairly simple. All criminal cases, unless there are security implications such as terrorist cases, are matters of public record. If you phone the court information officers and tell them the defendants name they will tell you the outcome and the sentence in the case of guilty verdicts. All the UK courts phone numbers are listed on the www.courtservices website.

With regard to his threats to kill you, there is a specfic crime of "makimg threats to kill" under the police powers act 1864. If you can get a couple of the people that hes said this to to confirm what he said to the police there is no good reason why they should not charge him with this as well.

As an alterative, you could ask the police to view his behavior as harrasment
and to serve him with a harrasment warning notice. If he carries on affecting you in any way they can then charge him and as, a part of the case, ask the judge to impose a no cantact injunction.

There is nothing to stop you taking an injunction out against him yourself, this is fairly easy to do and if you want more info on this let me know and I will send it to you.

You should also be being assisted by a victim support officer and if this is not the case you should ask for their help.


Hope the above is of some use to you.

Regards

Val

[diana_holbourn]

Thanks for the information, Val.

I wasn't suggesting Tara use self-defence as anything other than a last resort. I agree that running would be far better. I was just thinking that if he ever finds out where she lives and comes to her house or something - God forbid that he ever would - but I was thinking that it might be useful if there was ever a situation where she didn't see him approaching and was caught off guard.

[val lavender]

Hi Di
[it rhymes!]

under thes circumstances I feel that an injunction is the way to go if this guy is still at large. The appropriate forms can be downloaded from the coutservices site and this can be acheived without a solicitor, doing which can be a morale booster in its own right for someone who is feeling a bit low.

I am very suprised that Tara is not getting more help from a victim ssupport officer, and I would certainly expaect the police to do something about the threats.

It is not acceptable that a person should have to move house and change cars just to avoid someone that they have reported for a crime. There are numerous courses of action available to thr police that can be used in situations such as these and if these are not being followed then maybe it is to complain about this inaction.

Most of the time a phone call to the professional standards depertment of the force involved, on the basis of the fact that a complaint will be made to the IPCC if the situation is not resolved, is enough for a senior officer to get involved and appropriate steps taken.

It is not clear to me from Taras post whether this man is at large or being detained oon remand. If it is the latter the police may be reluctant to do anything on the basis that he is not in a position to be of any danger.

Regards

Val

[diana_holbourn]

Thanks.

Tara said earlier that he's on remand at the moment but she's making these preparations because she's scared he'll be acquitted after the trial in August, because he's so violent and has made threats against her. I suggested an injunction earlier to come into effect if he does get acquitted, but it's interesting to know that you don't even need to go through a solicitor to get one. How long would it take to get one going through the website?

[val lavender]

Hi Di
]it still rhymes[

in theory an injunction can be obtained the same day if the situation is regarded as an emergancy.

In "normal" circumstances" the other party against, against whom the injunction is to be being sought is summonsed to court [ usually fourteen days ] to "show good reason why the order should not be granted", though in these circumstances the Judge might be convinced to grant the order immediatly.

If Tara is worried by the paperwork involved, I am quite happy to do it for her, as it is fairly straight forward once you have done it a few times.

The County Courts are pretty user freindly to litegants in person these days, and id the support of the police can be enlisted this matter ought to fairly straight forward as lond as a few affadavits can be obtained.

County Court Judges are sometimes reluctant to grant "unrealistic" injunctions, such as where the subject is in prison and unable to realize any threats. This can be overcome if the application is made from the perspective of an immenent release of a person with a provable history of harresment and threats

Regards

Val