Advice or literature

[Katie]

I'm reading this forum for the first time and typing the word "rape" for the first time. I don't really think I'm ready to write about it but I'm so proud of everyone on this site who has. Even though it was 5 years ago and I'm now married - something I never thought I could ever be it still affects me everyday. I've found many of the accounts on this site to be similar to my own experience. I was raped from the age 14 to 18 by my best friend and I know this hard to believe but it happened 82 times. I was in a position where I felt helpless...he was blackmailing me and I was weak enough to feel like I couldn't live without him... I was already being bullied at school. I needed a friend. Sometimes I was completely frozen and sometimes I fought like hell but either way I was raped and it took me a while to realise that. I think I thought I should have been able to have done more but no matter what age I was I know now that is not the case.

I find the hardest thing or hurdle in my life at the moment...this may seem trivial - watching movies with sexual abuse scenes or even a scene that reminds me... sometimes its just male nudity. Going to the cinema recently has been quite traumatic.

Thankfully the memories are fading with time... but I still have flashbacks in my dreams.

I find the thought of counselling too much for me but want to attempt a book..any I have looked at on the internet seem too 'feminist' an outlook for what I need.

I wonder if anyone has any advice on literature that would help me cope?

Thankyou so much for this website. You've helped a lot of people I'm sure.

Katie x