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  • #1

    please tell me why

    Can anyone plz tell me why my partner pf many years has cut me out of her life to deal with her past. She tells me that she doesn't feel any love fo me anymore, but i can see in her eyes she feels the same. she has lots of issues to deal with....i do understand that. i know if she would let me, i could help her on this hard journey. I just want to understand why she wont let me in after we have been together all this time and i knew from day 1 about it all. for 21 years before we met, she was abused by several different people, the last being her own boyfriend and father of her children, so i can understand not wanting to get hurt again, but she knows i would never do that.

    It hurts me to think of what happened to her, but i will always be there for her. I just wish her love for me would return, as she only lost it when things started to get really bad.

    I have watched her have nightmares every night since we have been together and have tried to help by tellin her i was with her and wouldn't let them hurt her.

    I am at a total loss for what to do. Every time i try to talk she cuts me off. the first i knew it was this bad is when she kicked me out telling me that she loved me but wasn't in love with me. I hope to God that deep inside she does still love me, and will once again let me gain her trust.

    I guess what i am trying to say is that i love her like...oh i dont know...she is my soulmate, my destiny and i cant stand to see her hurting like this. My hands are tied and i dont know what to do. i sit here crying as i type this, hoping that someone will have an idea of what i can do. The last thing i want to do is push her away or hurt her even more. It makes me feel like the victim but i know im not.

    Please help me to help her. I love her so much i cant stand to see this happening all over again in her head!

    Thanks
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  • #2
    Im not saying here that you have got things wrong, but looking at your post it seems that it is you seem to think she needs help.From what you have said she has told you that she doesnt want to be with you any more, that she loves you but not in love with you.She seems to be making it quite clear that she doesnt want a relationship with you in an intimate way anymore.I not so sure either that you are doing this to help her, you think you are helping her but you are not actually listening to what she is saying.Just because she was abused and still has a lot of trouble with that it doesnt mean that she is incapable of knowing what she wants right now.The abuse is not the issue, the issue is she doesnt want to be with you at the moment.If this is what she truly wants then you must respect her decision.No matter how painful that may be for you, you cannot force her to think the way you do.As i mentioned earlier the abuse has not made her incapable of knowing what she wants.This must be very frustrating for you, but if she doesnt want to be around you , then you must respect her wishes.If however she is suffering from some form of mental illness then you can ring her doctor if you are concerned.For now though you must respect her wihses, and even though that may be painful for you, you will have to realise that only by giving her what she wants are you going to gain her trust back.If you go against what she asks then you are only going to make her more distant.Honour her wishes and give her some space, let her know you are only a phonecall away, or email/fax etc, and let her know you will be there for her always, and tell her how much you love her.Then muster all your courage , let her be on her own for a while.She may just need a few weeks to sort things out in her head.I cant however tell you that this is what s going on, or the outcome but i can say that the best thing you can do for her is to do as she wishes.
    Snoopy
    "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on."

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    • #3
      Yes, maybe you need to allow her some time on her own. But if you ask her what's caused her change of mind, be prepared to just listen for some time rather than to try to argue or talk her out of what she wants to do, and if she doesn't feel like another conversation with you, tell her you're going to try to just listen instead of talking yourself. It might persuade her to talk. If you ask what's wrong and just allow her to talk for a while, asking her to clarify anything you're unsure of in a sympathetic manner, you might come to a better understanding of what's caused this, and then you can try to work through it with her bit by bit. But if she really wants to be on her own for a while, I think you should tell her you respect her decision, but emphasize that any time she wants you, you'll be there for her.

      Perhaps you could invite her out for an evening of entertainment every so often, where there's no pressure on either of you to talk about what's happened, but you'll hopefully just enjoy yourselves. If she really doesn't want to talk, it might be better to just do things for her that you know she'll enjoy, phone her up every now and then when you've found something you know will entertain her, invite her for no-pressure evenings of entertainment, and in that way you might rekindle her interest and make her feel a bit more romantic towards you. If that happens, she's more likely to want to confide in you and get back with you.

      If she wants to criticize your behaviour, try not to get defensive. Try to just listen and see things from her point of view, and then explain things calmly if you think you need to justify yourself. You might have done her a lot of good over the years, but if there's anything about your behaviour she would like to change, try to be prepared to make changes. This again could help rebuild her interest in you. It wouldn't work if you tried to change too much too soon, but if you show her you're prepared to make little steps at a time in the direction she wants, she might be moved and encouraged and regain interest in you.
      My self-help articles on problems ranging from depression and phobias to marriage difficulties, to looking after children and teenagers, to addictions and destructive behaviours like anorexia, to bullying, to losing weight, to debating skills: http://broadcaster.org.uk/self-help
      And my article: How to Avoid Falling for Many False Claims or Fears of the Supernatural

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      • #4
        I don't think that she loves you. If she loved you then why would she reject you and not even explain why? This is not what someone does to a person that they love. It would be best for you to leave her alone and try not to think about her. IF she will want to return to you then she will contact you...
        And in general, i don't think that it is a good idea to enter into a relationship with a person that suffers from psychological problems and/or has been abused...
        You may feel pity for such people, but they are often very hard to deal with, and they will project their pain unto you.
        Sorry if this is offensive to someone...

        Comment

        • #5
          ?I think you have to be careful not to be judgmental, because every case will be different. The outlook in this one may not be as pessimistic as you think. I think he said she told him she loved him but was no longer in love with him. This probably means there's hope for the feelings to be rekindled. And if people with psychological problems can work through them with care or therapy, they can surely often begin to interact more healthily.
          My self-help articles on problems ranging from depression and phobias to marriage difficulties, to looking after children and teenagers, to addictions and destructive behaviours like anorexia, to bullying, to losing weight, to debating skills: http://broadcaster.org.uk/self-help
          And my article: How to Avoid Falling for Many False Claims or Fears of the Supernatural

          Comment

          • #6
            Originally posted by diana_holbourn@3rd November 2004 - 11:28 PM
            ?I think you have to be careful not to be judgmental, because every case will be different. The outlook in this one may not be as pessimistic as you think. I think he said she told him she loved him but was no longer in love with him. This probably means there's hope for the feelings to be rekindled. And if people with psychological problems can work through them with care or therapy, they can surely often begin to interact more healthily.

            She has told me that she hopes to get her feelings back....and no, it wasn't a case that she didn't love me, its a case that she has lost her feelings for everyone. I think it my just be so no one can hurt her anymore. I can understand that and think if thats how it needs to be then thats fine, i will be here for her when she needs me to be. I just hope that she isn't scared to ask me for help if she needs it. I am now begining to understand what she is aking of me and i just hope that i can help in some small way as that is the part that i would like to do for now, we can try to rebuild our lives together if and when she is ready!

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Guest_guest_*@3rd November 2004 - 05:13 PM

              And in general, i don't think that it is a good idea to enter into a relationship with a person that suffers from psychological problems and/or has been abused...
              You may feel pity for such people, but they are often very hard to deal with, and they will project their pain unto you.
              Sorry if this is offensive to someone...

              Dam right this is offensive, its a disgusting statement.Survivors of abuse are not to blame for what has happened to them, and we are certainly not freaks, we deserve to be happy in life and have relationships like everyone else.How dare you make a statement like this.
              Anyone in a relationship with a survivor of abuse/rape or having pyschological problems partners know that they can speak to members of the medical proffesion to seek extra help and support on how to cope and live with a survivor.My husband is wonderful and if had given up on me because i was projecting my pain unto him????? i would not be here now.As it goes im very well balanced stable and a self employed strong busineswomen, that helps and heals people in my community, and im also a strong voice in the war against rape.Proving that people do come to terms with rape, and it only makes them stronger than ever.
              You should be ashamed of yourself for your comment.
              It is offensive, and one thing my afther taught me that i think should apply here, is
              If you cant say anything constructive dont say anything at all.
              Snoopy
              "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on."

              Comment

              • #8
                Originally posted by Snoopyseed@5th November 2004 - 01:26 PM
                Dam right this is offensive, its a disgusting statement.Survivors of abuse are not to blame for what has happened to them, and we are certainly not freaks, we deserve to be happy in life and have relationships like everyone else.How dare you make a statement like this.
                Anyone in a relationship with a survivor of abuse/rape or having pyschological problems partners know that they can speak to members of the medical proffesion to seek extra help and support on how to cope and live with a survivor.My husband is wonderful and if had given up on me because i was projecting my pain unto him????? i would not be here now.As it goes im very well balanced stable and a self employed strong busineswomen, that helps and heals people in my community, and im also a strong voice in the war against rape.Proving that people do come to terms with rape, and it only makes them stronger than ever.
                You should be ashamed of yourself for your comment.
                It is offensive, and one thing my afther taught me that i think should apply here, is
                If you cant say anything constructive dont say anything at all.
                Snoopy
                i have to agree with snoopy (hope u dont mind me callin u snoopy) i have a frend which was repeatily raped and she became RELI paranoud and ppl used to mock her and it almost killed me listenin to them critisize her. i stand up 4 her wen i say that was a very unfair comment and incredibly UNTRUE.

                ~niamh~

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