Dont know what to do

[worried partner]

Hi

My fiance broke down 2 days ago and told me that she had essentially been raped by one of her friends whilst she was away at a large social event. She hadnt told me before now because she said she thought I would blame her and leave her. Now she has told me she just wants me to forget it and say nothing. I can see she blames herself and she believes all her friends will think bad of her call her 'slut' etc.

After talking to a couple of friends it seems as though she's realising that ppl are there for her, i saw a glimmer of her remembering the event last night and the possibility of her beginning to associate the action with the person responsible.

Its almost a month since it happened and she wants to keep it quiet and not make a fuss. The person responsible is fairly high up in the ranks at these social events and i fear that my fiance may not be the first or last person to suffer this fate with him.

I did notice bruises on my fiance's wrists at the time but they were either explained away as something else or i never even contemplated the thought of them being anything serious. I now blame myself for not noticing at a time when there was evidence, now it is one persons word against another's.

can anyone help me

[Snoopyseed]

Originally posted by worried partner@13th October 2004 - 07:57 AM
Hi

My fiance broke down 2 days ago and told me that she had essentially been raped by one of her friends whilst she was away at a large social event. She hadnt told me before now because she said she thought I would blame her and leave her. Now she has told me she just wants me to forget it and say nothing. I can see she blames herself and she believes all her friends will think bad of her call her 'slut' etc.

After talking to a couple of friends it seems as though she's realising that ppl are there for her, i saw a glimmer of her remembering the event last night and the possibility of her beginning to associate the action with the person responsible.

Its almost a month since it happened and she wants to keep it quiet and not make a fuss. The person responsible is fairly high up in the ranks at these social events and i fear that my fiance may not be the first or last person to suffer this fate with him.

I did notice bruises on my fiance's wrists at the time but they were either explained away as something else or i never even contemplated the thought of them being anything serious. I now blame myself for not noticing at a time when there was evidence, now it is one persons word against another's.

can anyone help me

Quoted post

Firstly can i say how sorry i am to hear about this, and how pleased i am to see you being so supportive towards your partner.
Yes you can help your partner, firstly if you want to see the person who did this to your partner served with a conviction and imprisonment you will have to encourage her, and show her that you will be there for her no matter what.You are also a witness in regards to the fact that you did see evidence of the attack (bruises,psychological stress ect) so if you can talk to her very gently about reporting this person that would be the best thing to do.The next most essential thing that i urge you to do is to get your partner to a GP as soon as possible.Not only is there a risk of an STD but of pregnancy also.This needs to be addressed as soon as possible to prevent further stress down the line.If at all possible it might be a good idea to mention to the doctor about why your partner is being checked out, so that notes can be made, on medical records about the sexual health check up and any treatment given.It may help also if while you are there you could get a counsellor to speak to your partner about the options you have open.At the end of the day it doesnt matter how high up this rapist is, the higher they are the harder they fall, he needs to be reported and quickly especially if you fear he is doing it to other women, if he is capable of rape he is capable of anything and no women in his company is safe until he is behind bars.It is going to be tough for your partner over the next few months so i would suggest that you also go to counselling so that you will be knowledagble about how to cope with your partners moods, she may get tearful ect or very upset over the next few months all of which are totally normal and a normal part of the healing process after such a terrible trauma
Another typical thing that survivors do is to blame themselves for what happened, thye will often go through thoughts such as
"Surly i must of caused it, was it the way i dressed, maybe i led him on ect"
It is because deep down we cannot admit to ourselves that someone can commit such a horrible crime against us especially if we know them or have to see them everyday.You both need counselling your partner especially, and if anyone close to you seems to think your partner is a slut, for being raped point out that rape is not about sex its about power, and it is your partners power that has been so crudely abused.Then ignore them as thye are obviously ignorant and small minded, you do not need people like that in your life.There are many organisations that you can call for help with regards to criminal proceedings, that will explain the entire ins and outs of the legal system for you, see this link for more details (London area) thye may be able to help you find something in your area if you are not in London.
http://www.met.police.uk/sapphire/

I can also give you the following advice for helping your partner

How to help someone:

1. Communicate these points:
I'm sorry that it happened.
I'm glad you survived.
It's not your fault.

2. Sexual abuse takes away the victim's power and control. Afterwards, the survivor should be allowed to be in control and to make her own decisions. Even if you don't like the decisions she makes, and even if they're not the choices you would have made, you can best support her healing by supporting her decisions.

3. Many survivors blame themselves for the abuse. Tell her over and over again that no matter what she did, it was not her fault. She did not commit a crime; the assailant did. No one asks or deserves to be raped.

4. If she feels guilty for not fighting back, tell her that no matter what she did when she was raped, she acted in the best manner she could. Fear often paralyzes people. Sometimes it feels safer to "cooperate" or submit to an assault; this does not make her a willing participant. Submission does not equal consent. She did what she needed to do to survive.

5. Ask the survivor how she wants to be treated, especially when doing anything that may violate her personal space. Even if you mean well and want to offer comfort, remember that the person who assaulted her took away her control over her body. She may not want to be touched or accompanied; if she does, she can let you know when you ask. For example: "Would you like me to come with you? Do you want a hug?"

6. Be a good listener. Be non-judgmental and non-blaming. You weren't there; the survivor is the only one who knows what it was like.

7. Assist her in getting the help she wants and needs. This may mean providing phone numbers, transportation, information, etc.

8. Talk to someone else about your feelings about the rape. Sexual assault can also be traumatic for. the friends, families, partners, and others close to the victim. You deserve support, too.

Some guidelines:
1. Don't give advice or try to tell her what to do.

2. Don't tell her what you would have done.

3. Don't ask her why she didn't scream or fight. This can feel blaming, even if you didn't intend it that way.

4. Don't ask her if she did anything to "lead him on." This includes asking what she was wearing, asking why she was with him, etc. The assailant made a choice to commit an assault; he could have chosen otherwise.

5. Don' t prevent her from talking about the rape if she wants to. Nobody willingly "dwells on it." If she wants to talk about it, she deserves to be able to do so. You don't have to be available 24 hours a day; you can suggest a Sexual Abuse Crisis Centre or other resource as well.

6. Don't insist that she talk to someone about it. Talking to a stranger, even if it's a counselor on a rape-crisis line, can feel scary and intrusive. Talking to someone close may not feel comfortable either. Not every. one finds it helpful to talk about it. She knows, better than anyone else, what will be most useful for her.

7. Don't press her to report the incident to the police. Reporting is a very big step; it might require more time, energy, courage, and safety than she feels she has at this time. If she wants to report, do support her in that decision .' However, if she is not ready to report, please respect that decision as well.

8. Don't break her trust by telling others about it, without her permission. She should have the control over who knows, and over when and with whom she talks about it.

9. Don't imply that it wasn't "real" rape if she knew the person who assaulted her. At least 80% of sexual assaults occur between people who know each other.

10. Don't blame the survivor. It was not her fault.


While some survivors move forward and take control of their lives, other continue to suffer and may even develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as result of the rape. They struggle with reoccurring thoughts about the trauma and find themselves in a state of hyper vigilance; easily startled and always anticipating another attack. Nightmares, flashbacks, and sleep disturbances disrupt their lives. Constant efforts to avoid the memories of trauma literally control their existence. Some rape survivors have post-traumatic stress disorder for years and need continuous counseling and support.I myself suffer from disorder and one charecteristic of it is it may not present itself until many years after the rape.



Recovery Takes Time

Survivors recover in stages. They may start with one stage, go to another, and go back. Each person processes the event his or her own way. Survivors are not to blame for the crime committed to them by another person. We cannot control the actions of another person. Survivors need a safe environment to work through their fears.


For now with the above advice go to the Sapphire website to see about legal proceedings, make and appointment to see the GP for your partner, and whilst getting checked out, enquire about counselling.Good luck and well done for being so courageous and supportive towards your partner.
Good luck.
Snoopy

[worried partner]

Thankyou so much for providing all this information.

I am waiting for my partner to be ready to truely come to terms with what happenend. She still doesnt quite see it as reality, and says she does not want to think about it. I knew what she thought her friends would say / do was wrong and told her such. She has now confided in a couple of her closest freinds and is beginnig to realise that they are all there for her. There are glimmers of her remembering and beginning to show hostile thoughts to the perpitrator, who she is currently still friendly with.

I have all the time in the world for her, and after finding out through her that a surprising number of our friends have been through it or been through it with a partner, i am confident there is enough support to make her feel safe and out of his reach.

thanks again

[Snoopyseed]

Originally posted by worried partner@14th October 2004 - 07:57 AM
Thankyou so much for providing all this information.

I am waiting for my partner to be ready to truely come to terms with what happenend. She still doesnt quite see it as reality, and says she does not want to think about it. I knew what she thought her friends would say / do was wrong and told her such. She has now confided in a couple of her closest freinds and is beginnig to realise that they are all there for her. There are glimmers of her remembering and beginning to show hostile thoughts to the perpitrator, who she is currently still friendly with.

I have all the time in the world for her, and after finding out through her that a surprising number of our friends have been through it or been through it with a partner, i am confident there is enough support to make her feel safe and out of his reach.

thanks again

Quoted post

No problem about the advice, i just want to thank you for being such a supportive person.Its not often that happens, and im sure with your support she will come round, and be strong enough to report this monster.Im glad that her friends are also showing support, as this will encourgae her to come round even stronger.Good luck and dont forget to call any of the agencys mentioned in the previous post for advice or you are welcome to contact me anytime and i will do what i can to help.
Snoopy