Feeling a bit down!

[Jenny]

I wish I'd found this site sooner. I am feeling a bit down today and don't want to keep leaning on the same people all the time. I've worked really hard to sort out what happened to me but sometimes when the rest of life gets v. stressful old bits come up again.

I was raped when I was 21 but didn't acknowledge it or use the word rape for many years (I'm now 44!). 7 years ago I started seeing a counsellor and talking about my experience. I had horrific flashbacks and difficulty sleeping and a very difficult time beginning to understand my experience. With the care and support from my counsellor and a few select friends I have reached a place where I don't think about it every day. A significant point was last year when I reported it to the police. I met a really understanding ex police officer on some training who encouraged me to do this despite the time lapse. It was incredibly difficult but I felt the guy who did this had at least been asked to account for his actions.

However I am now struggling with my relationship with my husband and feeling v. miserable.

I don't know what I'm looking for by writing this but just wanted to share it.

[isi]

Hi Jenny,

Im sorry you have been having a difficult time. It can happen that we block things out so much only for the memories to return later and it can feel like it all happened yesterday. For some people it is not a good thing to dig up the past but for others it needs to be talked about, recognised and accepted to enable a person to move on and enjoy life.

Do you know what the police did after reporting what happened? did the police do anything? did they find him?

It must be so difficult for you and your husband. Do or have you spoken to him about what happened? has he been giving you enough support?

Maybe it could help you both if you went to see a counsellor. It would be such a shame if you and your husband drift apart because of it.

It sounds like you are having difficulty moving on from what happened and I totally understand that. Some sort of cognitive behavioural therapy might be good to help you move on and find ways of dealing with how what happened effects your life now.

Glad you came here for support x

[Jenny]

Isi
Thank-you so much for replying. I can't stop crying.

In answer to some of your questions I do know what happened with the police. They interviewed the guy who raped me but did not have enough evidence to bring it to the CPS even though I'd needed hospital treatment at the time. Also I found the whole process v. frustrating as the contact officer kept changing and I ended up hearing that they were dropping the case from an officer who I didn't know while I was on my mobile standing in my daughter's school playground! Also the guy who raped me kept stalling for time prior to being interviewed by the police and would get his secretary and then his solicitor to answer simple questions. (Perhaps he thought it was a waste of his time as he is a consultant neurosurgeon. I was a newly qualified staff nurse and he was a doctor on his surgical rotation at the time it happened.)

With regard to my husband we have been for couples counselling but it is me who really doesn't think that our relationship can continue. Despite many requests he has poor standards of personal hygiene and doesnt visit the dentist. I've spent years feeling as if I am dirty and revolting but now realise that what happened to me was revolting but I'm ok. However I don't find it ok to be with someone who struggles to bother with showering!!

I've had a lot of counselling and earlier this year got a degree in counselling myself and don't feel like CBT at the moment but thanks for the suggestion.

Thanks again for your support.

[RFLH]

Hi Jenny, I can empathise with your feelings about yourself.

It sounds as if you've already made your mind up and just need to make the final step.

This life is the only one you have, don't waste it.

[isi]

Hi Jenny, maybe your husband is depressed? but yea I totally understand about the hygene and dont think I could put up with that either.

Yes one life, make the most of it! Even if somethings hurt along the way.

Isi x

[Saffron]

Hi Jenny and welcome, I am glad you found us.
As Isi says, sometimes we bury deep grief and hurt and try to forget about it. But a bit like Landfill, it comes bubbling to the surface eventually!

With regard to your husband - eurgh! I don't think I could live with someone who didn;t shower regularly either. Does he know what an issue it is for you?

A while ago I was feeling very down, and I couldn't be bothered to wash my hair, dressed in tatty, scruffy clothes, and persisted in wearing the same garments for days at a time. I told myself that I didn;t need to have perfect hair and makeup for anyone else, and that people could either take or leave me. It took my son telling me that I was showing him up in the playground to bring me to my senses. So I agree that perhaps your husband is depressed.

This is a choice for you to make, but I echo what the others have said - you only get one chance at this life. You shouldn't have to look back at the end of your life and think..."if only I had....."

[wis]

You have great courage

I think you have been true to yourself and have dealt with this issue so that you can help yourself put an end to it. I hope your husband can see that he needs to support you and help you. Good luck and never blame yourself, be true to yourself. You do what you can when you can

[Rights Fighter]

Isi

In answer to some of your questions I do know what happened with the police. They interviewed the guy who raped me but did not have enough evidence to bring it to the CPS even though I'd needed hospital treatment at the time.

Thanks again for your support.

Did the police follow up this part of the investigation by requesting that medical evidence?

Re your husband - he is showing you absolutely no respect. If he is not suffering from depression or is he is but not accepting help then tell him to shape up or ship out. You deserve better.

[seble]

I totally understand how you are struggling with relationships as I am too with my husband - although my husband does not have any hygiene problems. I just find it so hard been close to him after what's happened as I feel so guilty all the time and he is the most loving caring man I have ever met. My husband does not know anything what happened though - you are so strong to be able to tell him this and to be able to go to the police - I am sure you will get through this and this - site has been a big help to me this past few months with great support from everyone on here - so keep posting on here as it's nice having othere peoples advise and support from people that have gone through similar experiences. At a time like this as we all need someone to talk to - I dont think I could have got through this without this site - so thanks to everyone on here.

[Saffron]

Hi Seble, good to see you again.
Thanks for the thanks, if you know what I mean. I'm so glad we have been of some use!

Saffron

[seble]

Hi Seble, good to see you again.
Thanks for the thanks, if you know what I mean. I'm so glad we have been of some use!

Saffron

Yes you have been a great support to me - I dont know what I would have done without you all on here. It has really helped me get through this difficult time and dont think I would have got as far as I have today if I didnt have all your support as you have all been here for me when I have needed someone.
Thanks again - I really appreciate it

[RFLH]

Its good to hear seble - you have come far.

[Saffron]

Absolutely you have, Seble! Have a read through your first couple of posts and you will see what I mean. Well done. You are a strong and courageous lady x