Was i raped?

[UnsureAngel]

Hello,

Not really sure what to write here, I guess Im looking for some advice for my own piece of mind to make sure im not "making a mountain out of a molehill" so to speak.

I had a one nite stand with my boss about a year ago, which was regrettable on my behalf, but since then nothing has happened between us, we work together and he is currently in a relationship with some and we both realised its not feesible and I wouldnt of been interested even if it was feesible.

I have also been in a relationship with someone for the last 6 month and im very loyal and would never cheat on someone.

10 days ago I was away with work and my boss tried to get me into his hotel room after a nite out, to which to refused immediately and said no thank you as i was in a relationship now and didnt cheat on someone, he accepted this.

The next night we went out and i drank too much and had too many shots, Ive since spoke to a work collegue that i was sharing an apartment with and he said that they were worried that [B]I was that drunk that i would be sick and choke on my own vomit[/B] and my boss volenteered to keep an eye on me, I have no recollection of the majority of the evening at all.

Anyway, the next morning I woke up in his apartment dressed but with no underwear on, I asked if we had had sex and said ...no... yes... kind of.... I was furious, hysterical at the prospect of having sex with him, as id told him less than 24hrs before that i was not interested in anything sexual or otherwise, I think out of sheer panic after seeing how upset I was he said no, we didnt have sex, I then told him I wasnt on the pill, which is a lie but i wanted the truth, it took him till 5pm the next day to advise me to get the morning after pill as he had infact had sex with me.

I feel so violated and angry about his actions. Ive spoken to a few close friends who have all advised me to report it to the police, but how do u report something you cant remember?

Rape is such a strong word in our current society and the repercussions it can bring are immense and these things cant be taken lightly. I dont think I can report it as I need to keep my job with the recession and all that, but i think for my own piece of mind, I need to know if i cheated due to being drunk or was I raped?

Im a strong person normally and on the outsite, to ppl ive told, im fine, but Im blocking it out trying not to think about it and when i do thinking about it and what "happended" i cant stop crying about it. Im in my own little world and i dont know how to handle it.

Any advice would be appreciated, even if its just " get over it, it was your fault for getting drunk" least I would know im just over reacting.


Anyway, I await any responses and advice with anticipation.

Thanks
D
xx

[RFLH]

It is against the law to have sex with someone who is drunk and cannot give consent. He has raped you.

Please, please go to the police and take someone with you.

[isi]

Yes he raped you and I can understand you would like to believe differently as it is easier to think you cheated on someone rather than being raped.

I would report it because it may not be the first time he has done it and it may not be the last. You will not loose your job if you report it so dont worry about that. If anything he may loose his. His reactions suggests that he has done something he should not have done. one thing to keep in mind is How would you feel if you dont report it and you have to keep working with him knowing what he has done?.

Good luck and keep us updated.

x

[friday]

if you were that drunk you couldnt consent then it is rape. please report it and tell the police everything you can remember including the names of people who saw you in that state.

you need to know that if the police do not take it to court it is NOT because they don't believe you but because the very nature of the crime means it is almost impossible to prove and only a small percentage reach court and an even smaller percentage result in conviction (less than 6%).

if you want support from a person you can see/hear you can go to a rape crisis centre at any point after the rape or you could ring RASAC.

we are here to listen too. this board may seem to be have more people who are falsely accused than rape survivors but there are a fair few rape survivors on here too and the falsely accused often give better support than i have ever found on sites for rape survivors.

if you decide not to report then of course that is your choice and no one can fault you for making that decision. we are here regardless of what you decide to do.

[Saffron]

Hi Unsure Angel and welcome.

Sounds like rape to me. He obviously knew that you were incapable of giving consent because he denied that sex had taken place. Then when you pushed him, he admitted it. This man *knows* that what he did was wrong - why else would he deny it?

I would urge you to go to the police. It sounds like there are plenty of corroborative witnesses to say that you were out of it. However if you feel that you can't, no-one here will judge you.

You are not being a drama queen at all, and it is not your fault for getting drunk. He has behaved in an absolutely reprehensible way, and deserves the full force of the law.

Please do come back and let us know how you get on.

[UnsureAngel]

Thanks to you all that have replied to me, its been a great help to know Im not feeling like this for no reason.

Ive had a lengthy chat (highly confidential of course) with a close work collegue who was there that nite and admitted what happened, he stated that things fit into place as to what took place that nite and the way my boss was behaving, forcing ppl to leave me and go to bed, finding a reason to take me out of my apartment, telling them he'd put me to bed in his apartment, when the bed in my own apartment was less than 30ft from the bed he put me into, they did question it at the time with him but he ignored the questions they put to him.

Im waiting for some test result, which I should have by Wednesday to see if Ive been infected by him in any kind of way and I will be having a good long think before deciding what to do, Ive kept my clothing from that nite in case I decide to take it further.

I dont honestly see how I can report it as I dont remember anything, I know it took place but I feel a fraud as I dont have the horrific memories that you associate with being raped. But to say I dont remember anything.... Im feeling very sorry for myself and my mind & emotions are feeling amazingly messed up thinking about it all.

My partner is a policeman too, so I cant talk to him about anything just yet.

Anyway, thanks for all your help, I will keep you all updated.

D
x

[Saffron]

There does not need to be force in order for it to have been rape. If you were incapable of giving consent (and it sounds like you were) then it is rape. And as I said before, it sounds lilke he knew this, because initially he denied it, but then admitted it. He *knew* that he had done something wrong. Well done on keeping the clothing, that is remarkably foresighted.

You would be surprised at the reaction you would get from the police. Most rape survivors have nothing but praise for the way the police treated them (although not all, but procedures for the treatment of rape complainants are much tighter now than ever before). It's not a question of reporting something you don't remember - you have corroborative witnesses.

Finally if you do report this to the police, it may not go any further. But it may be that he has done this to someone else, who also reported it. It may be that he does it again in the future, and your complaint will lie on file, providing compelling evidence that he is a serial predator.

Most people think rape is being attacked by a stranger and held at knifepoint. This is not the case - the vast majority of rapes are perpetrated by those known to the victim. And therefore they are difficult to prive, because there are usually no witnesses, and in most cases no physical evidence of force. However, if you don't report it, he may do this to someone else. Think carefully about what you want to do. You need to limit the damage you are already feeling - what will do that?

Good luck. Let us know how you get on x