i didnt stop it

[Rebeccah]

dont know where 2 start with this one. I cant go on feeling the way i am, its destorying me and my family. Ive tryed killing myself twice now. About 4 months ago i was raped by sumone i knew. I didnt tell anyone wot happened and just blocked it up. And ever since that day the bloke who did it 2 me has come back again and again, and has carried on forcing and making me have sex with him. He told me if i ever tell anyone or go 2 the police he would kill me and my son, so in order 4 my son 2 b safe i let the abuse go on.
The first time he did it i told a friend and also lied saying i went 2 the police and that i was going 2 court over it. I told so many lies saying that he was going down for wot he did 2 me. But it was a lie and i even beilved my own lies, it was the only way i could cope with wot was happening to me.
Then 2 weeks ago my bf broke up with me saying i was unstable and that put everything 2 the surface, i could no longer deal with wot that bloke had been doing 2 me and dealing with a broken heart at the same time. So i cut my wrists and ended up being rushed to hospital. Then the truth came out about how i lied about going 2 the police the first time. My family and friends now know the truth and r supporting me, but at the same time i cant deal with this i dont know how to, its all my fault i shouldnt of let it carry on i should of gone 2 the police the first time, and now im 2 scared to.
Ive also just found out im pregnant and dont know if its my ex boyfriends or the bloke who had been abusing me, i dont know wot 2 do!!!!. Im so angry and disguted with myself. And to top it off ive lost the one bloke i truely loved.

Rebeccah

[Snoopyseed]

Hello Rebeccah , i have just read your post and i want to first of all say something.You seem to be punishing yourself about what you are calling lies, you said you lied to your friedn about reporting this monster to the police and that he would go to court, i can tell you hun that these are not really lies as it can still happen, it is your desires speaking, you have a strong sense of wanting justice for going through so much abuse, and it is this desire to seek justice that has made you tell your freind that you had reported it to the police.So please do not beat yourself up about this anymore, it is a normal desire and many survivors of rape are so frightened by what has happened to them that thye do not go to the police straight away.It is still very much possible that you can report this to the police and i personally think that this would be a very good option as you are in a very dangerous situation right now, with your young son and a baby on the way.I know right now you are very frieghtened hun, and not only pregnant but with a young child i can fully understand how frightened you are.I am very concerned for you and your children right now and if i was with you personally i would sit down and deeply encourage you to talk with the police, because not only does this evil monster who has so wrongly abused you once, but he is also carrying on and threateing you as well, this man is a danger to you and your family, and i strongly urge you hun to gather all the courage that you can muster and seek support from your feinds and family to go to the police and report him.If you are in London you can also go along to a place called The Havens, its a place where you can go and speak to experienced professionals who can give you:

medical help and advice;
counselling; and
practical and emotional support.
They can help you through the immediate trauma and guide you along the road to recovery. They can also help you decide what you want to do next, like whether you want to talk to the police or have any health checks.

http://www.met.police.uk/thehavens/

I know that this must be very traumatic for you, i have been raped myself and run a site for over 130 survivors, but please please please if you can please contact your doctor and also let them know what has happened, you need lots of support right now from a whole manner of teams, both doctors, counsellors, victim support and your trusted family and friends, who i am pleased to read are supporting you.You feel suicidal right now and this is a major concern to me, if you feel suicidal right now please contact the Samaritans on this number 08457 90 90 90 anytime day or night, and please feel no shame about this thye are trained counsellors and will be able to help you through the night until hopefully you can get an emergency appointment with your Doctor the next day, if you feel bad please please call them thye can help you and i promise you that no one is going to turn you away.As your abuser is still around and attacking you the first line of defence is to call the police thye have specially trained officers now that specifically help people like you (and me) and are much more easier to approach, thye will be able to help you more than anyone right now, and this may mean arresting the suspect or for whatever reason this does not happen (he may go on the run for example) there are a number of safe houses where you can stay, there is an oragnisation called Womens Aid that help with domestic violence and thye offer a number of safe houses and refuges where you and your child can stay.
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/help/refuge.htm

As for the pregnancy, i know you have fears about not knowing who the father is, and i have been in your position too, my rapist got me pregnant, i miscarried, but know exactly what you may be going through, and all i can say is that whatever desicion you make about this, you need lots of proffesional support and lots fo good family and feriends, whatever descion you make about the baby, please do not feel bad about it, for it is your desicion and your desion only and whatever the choice you make do not let anyone bully you into making it.
Right now though the main priority, is to

A, Ring the Samaritans

B, Call for an emergency appointment in the mornibg with your doctor and tell him/her everything, the rape,suicide attempts and the pregnancy.

C,Report this man to the police (if you want to, and as you are in danger i would advice you to)

D, Call into The Haven or call them, or Womens Aid and see if you can get into a safe house, away from this monster where he wil not be able to find you

If you are not sure abour reporting this monster to the police you can also call a unit called The Sapphire Unit that specificaly help victims of rape.

http://www.met.police.uk/sapphire/index.htm

Tel.: 020 7321 7359 / 7179
Fax: 020 7321 9004

e-mail:
sapphire@met.police.uk

Everyone of the contacts that i have mentioned will ne able to help you, thye are not going to judge you or discriminate against you in any way, you only have friends and lots of support to gain, the only person who has got anything to be afraid of is the person who has abused you.
There is also Victim Support that you can contact and ask them for advice,

http://www.victimsupport.com/site_home.html

There are lots of people to contact here, and every time you are picking up that phone i know your heart will be beating like mad and you will be scared, if there is a trusted friend that can come over and be with you, please ask them, and agin feel no shame in asking for support what you have been through is horrific and i admire you so much for writing into this message board and asking for help, please follow this up with any of the contacts of advice i have given, this man is a monster, and he may also be abusing other people, what he has done is not on and he cannot get away with it, please hun call any of the numbers and get the support and care that you truly deserve and desperatly need right now.Until you have called the numbers and put a plan of action into action, please please call 999 if this man approaches you again, he has no right to do this to you, and you have every right to be fully protected.
Please write in if you want to chat, or need any help or support i will do my absolute best to help you, if not i will try and find someone who will be able to help you, but please dont let this abuse carry on, you are worth more than this, you are worth so much, and please think of the danger your child may also be in.Stop this man now, you can do this and with the support from any of the agencies i have listed you will have the full suport, courage and strength to get the justice and safety that you need.
Please let me now how you get on,
Im thinking of you and praying that you will be ok.
Well done for asking for help, this is the first step to breaking through from this, pick up the phone and make the next brave step.
All the luck in the world.
Snoopy

[Saffron]

Rebeccah

What a horrific time you have had, my heart goes out to you. All I can tell you is that you should be proud of yourself for telling the truth. There is a lady called Snoopyseed who is a member if this website, she is far wiser then I am when it comes to practical and spiritual advice for rape survivors. I know she will be able to point you in the right direction.

I think you ought to contact your GP for some help, he/she will be able to refer you for counselling. Snoopyseed will be able to give you phone numbers and web addresses of places that may be able to help.

You have done the right thing by coming forward about this abuse you have suffered. I too have a son, and I would do anything to protect him, anything.

I hope you can talk to the police about this. I am sure they will be sympathetic.

Thinking of you,

Saffron.

[Guest]

dear rebbeca please please muster up the courage to go to the police i know you are going through a nightmare but if you don't this nightmare will never end and it could carry on over to someone else he might decide to get another victim that could ad even more quilt to you please don't let it happen to someone else you have had the courage and beleive me it is courage to tell the truth after all the mistakes you made because of this evil brut don't let him get away with it this will make you a lot stronger then you realize its these sort of people we do need to have in jail out of harms way please go to the police before he gets the time to strike again let me kno how you are take care luv mariax

[Ashley]

Dear Rebecca,

I can only echo the advice in the above posts, at the same time perhaps give a few other compelling reasons why you should speak to the police, additionally to other agencies you have been directed toward.

First, you will actually feel better once you have.

You will be received extremely sympathetically.

Your complaint may just be the support for a previous complaint that has failed to proceed because of lack of evidence.

Your complaint will spark an investigation which may just lead to others speaking of sexual violence at this man's hand.

Even if your case does not invoke proceeedings, it will, without doubt place an intelligence marker on this man, which in the wake of the criticism of Humberside over the handling of intelligence relating to Ian Huntley, may just prevent another Soham.

I am not trying to sound dramatic, your complaint could be invaluable.

Go for it.

[Snoopyseed]

Ashley i take my hat off to you for your post, very well pointed out,
and absolutly right,
Snoopy

[Rebeccah]

wanted to say thank u 2 all the people who have posted, i couldnt of done wot im going 2 do without the support off my friends, family and the people who have posted here. I am going 2 the police, someone is coming round to my house tomorrow to talk to me about it. Im so scared but i know wot im doing is right. Im hurting big time and i dont know how to stop it.

Rebeccah xx

[diana_holbourn]

I hope all goes well with the police. If you tell them and any court hearing about the threats he's made against you, then hopefully they'll take more seriously the idea that he needs to be kept in custody.

As for your ex-boyfriend, maybe it would help if he knew more about the common psychological effects of being assaulted. Then he might understand you better, and it might even be a step towards you getting back together. I don't know. But there's an article about the common effects here: http://www.rapecrisisonline.com/RTSaPTSD.htm

Maybe if you emailed him the link, it would help him understand a bit and give you both an idea of the type of therapy that might help you.

[Snoopyseed]

good luck Rebeccah sweetie, i know you are hurting and it will for a while but with help from all of the organisations you will recover, i know that sounds far fetched at the moment but you will feel better one day, the only way to get to that 'one day' is to do what you are doing and to not look back, please make sure you have lots of support as well, i mean from a good qualified counsellor, therapist and doctor, friends and family are great for support but sometimes its better to talk to a counsellor as its a new face, remeber everything you mention to a counsellor is kept completly confidential and thye operate under a strict code of ethics, as for the police , you are doing the right thing your dafety is of paramount importance and what this man has done to you, is both horryfying and disturbing, he desperatly needs to be stopped and you are the only one who can do this, although that may sound scary, dont let it put you off, you are in control now, and in reporting him you will gain a sense of control back, that he so cruelly stole from you.You are doing the right thing, it may get very hard over the next few months but as i mentioned with the right support and guidnace you will be able to stand up to this monster and hopefully, (fingers crossed) succeed in taking this monster off the streets so that he is not a danger to anyone else, and in doing so you may be saving other people from suffering at the hands of this man.So keep going, and if all this isnt empowering enough, bare in mind that you deserve a happy life, and one that is free from abuse.Take back the power that he stole off you, by keeping your head held high and pursuing the case until you get justice.
My thoughts are with you.
Snoopy

[Taylirr]

Hi Rebeccah and everyone else who has posted here. My name is Taylirr and I have just joined this board. I read your post, Rebeccah, and it brought back a lot of memories for me because I have been in your position. I'm 15 right now and when my mum was pregnant with me, my dad left her and I've never met him. When I was 6, my mum married my stepdad - Robbie - and they had 2 other kids - my sisters Laighla and Alexiah. When I was almost 12, my mum got killed in a car accident leaving Laighla, Lexi and me to live with Robbie. This is when he started to abuse me. At first it was just little things but then it turned into rape and the only reason I kept quiet was because he told me that he would hurt Laighla and Lexi, who were just 2 and 5 at the time, if I told anyone. This went on for a year and I didn't tell anyone - barring my diary - because I didn't want Robbie to hurt my sisters. After a year, I found out I was pregnant and I was terrified because I thought that Robbie would hurt my baby. That's when I decided enough was enough. When Robbie was out at work, I grabbed as much stuff as I could carry and took Laighla and Lexi with me to the police station.
Now, I don't know if my post will be too late and that you've already spoken to the police but don't worry about it because they were so sympathetic to me. They respected my wishes of only speaking to women officers and they took good care of my sisters when I was in interviews. I went to court and Robbie is now in jail. I also now have a 1 and a half year old little girl named Shelbie who I adore and the two of us together with Laighla and Lexi - who are now 5 and 8 - live with Michael and Christie. They are our adoptive parents who were so amazing in taking the 4 of us in when they already had their own son and daughter - Tillie and Jack.
We're all happy together now and the point of my post is to say that their is a light at the end of the tunnel. You're doing the right thing in going to the police and things can only get better from her on in. I mean, sure, I still have flashbacks and nightmares about Robbie and everything he did but I have counselling sessions that help me with them. I'm also safe in the knowledge that Robbie can't hurt me now that he's in jail and I'm happy knowing that I've stopped him from hurting anyone else.
You're a very brave woman Rebeccah and I would like to talk to you if that's ok but if you don't want to then please read my post and see that things will get better for you.
Take Care.
Love Taylirr xx

P.S Can I just say a huge thanks to Snoopy for the wonderful advice that you gave because I'm sure it's helping alot of people including Rebeccah and me.