Advice on issues with a man?

[annaaaa]

I'm quite confused as I don't know if I was raped. There's a man I really fancy and he took me out for a meal and I had a few drinks, so he said do I want to stay at his place. I didn't want to drive over the limit and I had known him a few months. He's so good looking and intelligent, I wondered why he would want to be with me as he had even said about moving in with him, but I wasn't sure if he was serious. I have some issues as I was adopted and when I found my natural parents they were nasty and it affected my confidence. Anyway, he led me to bed, and I had told him a few times before that night that I'm not taking contraception and I would only want to have sex with a condom. I wasn't totally against having sex with him, as long as we used a condom. It's just that I want to have children one day and having lots of partners increases the chance of having cervical cancer and I didn't want to do anything to affect my chance of cervical cancer. I was in bed with him and kissing. I wasn't naked and I wasn't against playing around as I really fancied him, then he got on top of me without a condom and had sex and I was really confused about if it was what I wanted to do, and was thinking if I should have taken such a stupid risk, even though he did pull out before he ejaculated as I told him not to. Then later he grabbed my arm really hard and scared me, as if he was going to hold me down, so I panicked and ran out the room and he ran after me so I couldn't get away and I was going to run out of his house, but he got to the door before me to bolt it and said that he thought we were messing around. The next day I had a hand mark as a bruise on my arm and wondered if he was trying to rape me. I started getting worried about having cervical cancer, so I had a test a few months later and they said it's normal, so as long as I know I didn't take that risk then I feel I can forget it. I did really like him and saw him a few times after, and it waned off a bit, but I don't know if it's my fault for not wanting to have sex like he wanted. I was wondering if I was too cautious and should have just gone for it and things might have worked out better between us? I think that society expects women to sleep with a man as soon as we meet them and I didn't know that as I really liked him, I should have been more casual about it? I don't know if he raped me or not, but I wouldn't go to the police, as they would have said I led him on, but I didn't want to have casual sex with him. I'm studying law, and the tutor was talking about a rape, and he said a stranger rape is the worst of all, but I kept thinking that it seems worse if it's somebody you think you can trust and who cares about you, but I don't know if I might just be making more of it than it was. Should we just expect men to have no control and not put myself in a position like that again? I don't want to lose partners by being fridgid though.

[RFLH]

My first impression is that this doesn't sound like rape, as you've described it, but it sounds as if it was a situation that was very risky and one which maybe you weren't emotionally ready for at the time.

It also sounds as if you may have a low self-esteem due to your adoptions issues and may benefit from some counselling. I'm sorry that your meeting with your birth parents didn't end in the relationship that you wanted.

It's never right for a man to expect to have sex but I would suggest, if you are in a similar position, that you make sure someone knows where you are and that you try to clarify your feelings and expectations. Easily said, but may save you from another traumatic experience.

Just remember that it's not only cervical cancer that you should be worried about, there are many more STI's and also pregnancy.
You are not being frigid. Just being assertive. You should always take control of, as well as responsibility for, your own feelings and actions.

Please keep posting, I hope it will help.

[Rights Fighter]

annaaa said: I did really like him and saw him a few times after, and it waned off a bit, but I don't know if it's my fault for not wanting to have sex like he wanted. I was wondering if I was too cautious and should have just gone for it and things might have worked out better between us? I think that society expects women to sleep with a man as soon as we meet them and I didn't know that as I really liked him, I should have been more casual about it?

If you truly believed that you had been raped I cannot see that you would have seen "him a few times after". I think you are confused as to what society expects and how you believe you should behave.

The only suggestion I can give you if you are still confused about those two issues is to never put yourself into a position where somebody could take advantage of you. It seems you were sending out mixed messages by getting into bed with him and consenting to certain sexual advances.

If you look after yourself and keep yourself safe then you are less likely to find yourself in this situation again.

[friday]

he should have asked you if it was ok to pin you down rather than telling you, however that doesn't mean he was trying to rape you since lots of people enjoy that sort of thing during sex. if you had told him not to have sex with you or to stop and he didnt then that would be rape because it was against your will.
the bruise seems extreme for normal sex but unless he had sex with you against your will it is not rape, although maybe you should question if this guy is the right guy for you. the problem with sex is that the same action can have to completely different meanings depending on consent. some people enjoy having a partner being dominant in the bedroom, however this should always be discussed first to prevent this kind of situation.

hope thats of some help to you,
lauren