dirty

[Unregistered]

i was raped over 10years ago never spoken about it, spoke to the police about it when it happened they informed me it was my fault as i let the person in to my house. His word against mine.

But now im suffering i hurt so bad and feel so dirty constantly trying to get clean and it doesnt go away!! will it ever????

[isi]

Hi,

I am so sorry you are still suffering. This forum has not been any help to me at all and I was recomended the 'after scilence' website. You will be able to get much more help and support there than on here. Here seems to be for people who 'claim' they are innocent. Or partners of accused.

I would not reccomend this site for someone who is trying to heal....

Have you thought about councelling? How are you coping at the moment?

Take care

Isi x

[Saffron]

Unregistered, I am sorry to hear you are finding it difficult to cope. I recommend that you go to your GP (maybe with a friend, if you are nervous) and s/he will be able to refer you to counselling. I don't think anyone can ever forget such a horrible experience, but you can learn to cope with it.

And to Isi:

Here seems to be for people who 'claim' they are innocent.

Sorry Isi, but that is not a very helpful comment. This site is run by people who give up their spare time to administer a free forum for people who are suffering. If more survivors would post here, there would be more support available for those who are victims of rape. The websmaster has made it very clear that he is more than happy to listen to *constructive* suggestions. Simply saying it is no help at all is just rude.

Some of us, who are partners of those falsely accused, do still try our best to support survivors. One of the reasons anyone who has been falsely accused finds it so traumatic is because rape is an abhorrent crime.
Additionally, the implication in your post is that you disbelieve those who come here for support after a false allegation is made. I would remind you that one of the basic rules here is that everybody is taken on trust that they are telling the truth. I would never say that a survivor was "claiming" to have been raped - it would be thoughtless, hurtful and may tip a desperate person over the edge.
Have you thought that maybe more victims of false allegations post here is because there are hardly any support organisations available to them?

Maybe if rape survivors would come here more often there would be more support available. Just a thought.

[RFLH]

well said Saffron, unregistered I'm sorry that you're hurting.

Try not to punish yourself, you've done nothing wrong.

Be kind to yourself.

[isi]

Hi Saffron,

I can fully appreciate your comments on my post, and agree with the suggestion of maybe if more suvivors/victims used this site then it may be more helpful. However this site is more geared up for people who 'claim' they are innocent. Just as other sites are geared up for people who 'claim' they have been raped. I think that you have taken my comment somewhat out of context and if that is the case then I appologise for offending anyone and it was most definately not meant in that way!

The fact that you found it rude, well sometimes I think simpy 'saying it' is the only way! speaking out! thats my individual thought on tact though and may not suit everyone. I found it 'rude' that noone replied to my posts from this forum, and you seem to have only replied to this poor unregistered person to reply to my post.... speaks volumes really!!

However, I have noticed that support is not generally offered to victims that do post here and looking around the forums it is mainly around 'fasley accused'! So is it the site that is off putting for victims or is it that not many victims visit here? Just a thought. Also, If someone else had not posted a reply to my post about afterscilence I think I would have 'ran' over that edge you are talking about. This site has not been helpful to myself, and have heard similar comments from others. Also your defensive response just backs up my reason for not recommending this site to anyone who is trying to heal. You have assumed an awful lot from a few 'maybe badly choosen/typed words' - to which I have appologised for it coming accross that way! but,

[RFLH]

I think it's because the 'victims/survivors' tend not to visit these forums to help others.

The 'falsely accused' tend to stick together to fight the system. Imagine what its like to have a loved one taken away for years - probably several hours travel away to visit - perhaps bringing up a family - all on the word of someone levelling the score or making a few quid.

Imagine sitting for months beleiving in the justice system, that by telling the truth you won't be sent to prison, have details of lies spread in the paper, your family being villified or losing them altogether.

Imagine having to live your life full of fear that someone will believe the label that pinned to you, they will then attack you or your family (if you still have one after all this).

This is why we stick together, we need help to fight every day. We post and help where we can.

[Rights Fighter]

And....dare I say it......there are possibly more people falsely accused desperately seeking help than there are rape victims (or those claiming to be raped using Isi's terms) .......

[Saffron]

Hi Saffron,

I can fully appreciate your comments on my post, and agree with the suggestion of maybe if more suvivors/victims used this site then it may be more helpful. However this site is more geared up for people who 'claim' they are innocent. Just as other sites are geared up for people who 'claim' they have been raped. I think that you have taken my comment somewhat out of context and if that is the case then I appologise for offending anyone and it was most definately not meant in that way!

The fact that you found it rude, well sometimes I think simpy 'saying it' is the only way! speaking out! thats my individual thought on tact though and may not suit everyone. I found it 'rude' that noone replied to my posts from this forum, and you seem to have only replied to this poor unregistered person to reply to my post.... speaks volumes really!!

However, I have noticed that support is not generally offered to victims that do post here and looking around the forums it is mainly around 'fasley accused'! So is it the site that is off putting for victims or is it that not many victims visit here? Just a thought. Also, If someone else had not posted a reply to my post about afterscilence I think I would have 'ran' over that edge you are talking about. This site has not been helpful to myself, and have heard similar comments from others. Also your defensive response just backs up my reason for not recommending this site to anyone who is trying to heal. You have assumed an awful lot from a few 'maybe badly choosen/typed words' - to which I have appologised for it coming accross that way! but,

Hi Isi

thanks for your reply. Please accept my apologies for not replying to your initial post - to be honest what you have been through is so far removed from anything that I have experienced that I simply didn't know what to say to you. Ignorance is no excuse, I know, but your ordeal has been so horrific that I just didn't know where to start.

All of us here are trying to heal in one way or another. In the past there used to be a lot of support for survivors here, but they have seemed to just drop away. Perhaps you could kick-start it? You might find it helpful on a personal level. One of the ways I have been trying to heal myself is through offering support and advice to those in a similar situation to the one I found myself in nearly 5 years ago. It does sometimes open up old wounds, but on the whole I find it very helpful - maybe I am being selfish, but being able to speak about my experiences to others in a similar situation so that they can hopefully avoid my nightmare is a great comfort. And I hope that I have been able to help them. We have all been perilously close to that "edge", after all.

By the way, your post seemed to end halfway through a sentence. I hope you are OK. Thanks for your rational and intelligent response to my comments.

Best,

Saffron

[friday]

hi unregistered (sorry that sounds really impersonal but i don't know what else to call you to differentiate you from the other people who have replied!)
i understand how you are feeling. every one tells you it will get easier but it never seems to (or at least hasnt for me yet). the police probably didnt mean for it to sound like it was your fault, maybe it wouldnt have happened if you hadnt have let him in the house but you are not responsible for his actions and it was his actions that were illegal and so traumatic, not yours. i think almost every victim could scrutinise their actions and decide they would have done something different in hindsight but if we lived our lives never letting anyone in our homes, walking alone etc then our lives would be empty of so many good things (i mean boyfriends/friends etc would be impossibly complicated if you only ever met in public places and never went into each others houses) and after all no matter how long you have known someone they could still turn out to be a rapist.

the feeling of being dirty is extrememly common in rape survivors both initially after the rape and for years after. for me i think its because i feel he left part of himself in me and i can never seem to get rid of his germs and the evil. i dont really have any practical suggestions but maybe you could try making washing about you and not about him, like using your favourite bubble bath/bath salts etc.

if you havent sought counseling or anything like that yet then RASAC does telephone counseling and rape crisis can also give information on other services in your area (groups or one-to-one counseling). it all depends what you would find most helpful, would meeting other survivors be useful or would you prefer individual counseling etc...

i think asking for help, or talking about it is the first step to having a life which is not still ruled by what happened. it wont be easy to talk about it but it will be worth it. you will probably never forget what happened and it will always be part of your life but the fact you survived and are here now, still fighting shows how strong you must be. if you want any more info on support services pm me, i may have some numbers and websites etc but it depends were you are based (all the numbers i have are for london and the south-east).

good luck with everything and never ever stop fighting.



hi isi-i am a rape survivor who posts here, the main reason i do is because i feel other support forums are a little bit too "big hugs" etc and its all a bit too mushy for me when people i barely know start sending internet hugs. the other reason i do is because like a lot of the falsely accused on here, i think the criminal justice system is fatally flawed. i went through two court cases with more **** ups than i thought possible, that left me having to leave my home because the rapist was found not guilty and the police dont believe its safe. when the rapist's own barrister apoligised and says he cant believe he got away with it you have to question how the hell we have allowed such a system to exist. both rape victims and falsely accused often do not get justice so essentially its the same fight since its the same system.

im sorry you didnt find here particularly helpful and hope you find aftersilence more suited to you (it didnt suit me personally). perhaps its more a personality thing than a problem with the forum. i also continue to post here to represent rape victims. without two sides the forum may turn into an "oh woe is me, the whole world is awful, i hate x" (a bit of that is good but its not much of a fight, more wallowing in self pity). i also want to post my views because its very easy for someone to say, for example, that if a person is found not guilty then the victim shouldnt get compensation but of course its almost impossible to get a conviction (5% conviction rate) so thats unfair when with other crimes a person gets compensation if the accused is found not guilty. not guilty doesnt necessarily mean didnt do it, it sometimes means they cant prove it was him, or that it was rape BEYOND REASONABLE DOUBT they may only be 80% sure but if there is a doubt the jury may choose not to convict him, or if there is one strong member of the jury s/he may persuade the other member to change their opinion etc. i remain here to basically be an argumentative bugger. i think debate makes for stronger cases, and ultimately (hopefully) a legal system that works.
i hope you get all the support you need both on and offline.
x

[Saffron]

Great advice Friday. It's good to see survivors being supported.
Saffron

[Unregistered]

well said

Hi,

I am so sorry you are still suffering. This forum has not been any help to me at all and I was recomended the 'after scilence' website. You will be able to get much more help and support there than on here. Here seems to be for people who 'claim' they are innocent. Or partners of accused.

I would not reccomend this site for someone who is trying to heal....

Have you thought about councelling? How are you coping at the moment?

Take care

Isi x

totally agree with this response

[frankgallagherwasere]

I believe true victims should share the same place and that includes victims of the crimes and those falsely accused. After all we both hurt like hell inside and therefore share many of the same issues as we also were both attacked without having been consulted first.

Ive known a small number of victims of such dispicable crimes and also from the otherside those who do them and those accused and its a very stange place to sit, I can tell you. Yet the main issue isnt any of these its those who find a pleasure to falsely accuse others, and many simply dont know when to stop its a drug.

For those who are victims of such crimes your whole life during the time is one blur as you suffer trauma shame and complete shock, whilst those who falsley accuse play on this by using it as their excuse when details are challenged. It is right to remove dates and specifics when one reasonable shouldnt and doesnt remember BUT this should be put into context with the evidence provided by the accused against the accuser.

Does it go away and do you find your love for your body again? Yes I think many do BUT only when they find a partner whom they can tell who helps you find themselves again, you can then share your rehabilitation together. Any understanding partner should care enough and want to help in any way possible, its like a dense wood one simply finds a path to follow and in the end you hopeully come out and can see clearly again and feel good about yourself and life in general. But I dont and wont suggest it is easy, after all what for some was absolutely HELL and a life changing event you didnt ask for but had to suffer. A critical illness can be very similar not knowing if its terminal or not, only when your cleared are you able to start rebuilding your life, but the scars will always be there somewhere, you just recouperate slowly back into society and reality.

Dirty is one symptom but Im sure there are many others besides, trust and being able to love or even wanting to, being but only a few, its not just giving it time, its giving yourself the chance and thats the tricky part I know. Recovery can only start once you start to let go and try to confront all the issues that cloud your mind. Stay strong and positive, believe yourself to be better than them and dont let the experience destroy you BUT we all know and understand it hurts and can sometimes hurt like HELL.

[isi]

frangallagherwasere - that was so beatifully written, you seem to show compassion and understanding in the mmost eloquent way....... your post made me cry, it hit a nerve and I hope that things do shrink into the past......that a person can love again...... who knows.....

[frankgallagherwasere]

Thanks ISI

Many thanks ISI, I can only pass on my experience of dealing with others some of whom had suffered the most horrific experiences. I cant say I helped them, only they can say that, however I listened and learned.

Thats what hurts me the most about being accused and convicted of assult on someones word alone - one cant defend it if the system doesnt allow you too. And ignores what I said and even most of what they did too !!

That is why its a life changing experience, everyone reacts differently and its against your normal principals. There are many who would happily take a stranger to bed every day of the week, BUT there are also many of us that dont see the need nor reason, sex isnt everything in a relationship its just a new level of love. I had a couple of girlfriends who thought it the final acceptance of love, it was the way they showed love by allowing you them all, one didnt have a right to it you had to prove and earn it.

You cant do that in a couple of hours days weeks even !!

Stay strong

[isi]

can I just add a little something here?..... well I will anyway...

I think that victims of rape and falsley accused do go through some similar emotions. But I have to stress that someone who has been raped has had their physical self violated, been subjected to violence and had to live through that trauma, a physical trauma. Where injuries may have occured boh physically and mentally.

A person that has been falsley accused has gone through a mental trauma. I know someone on here will correct me if I am wrong....

As frankgallagherwasere described the emotions of healing, relationships... it was very moving and really did hit a nerve and that is where the similarity is. But the act of rape and the impact it has on a victim/survivor noone can know unless it has happened to them. Just as a falsley accused person goes through things that only another falsley accused can understand.

Being a survivor of rape I know what I have been though and still am going through. I know that I did not want to read a message from a falsley accused as my rapist tried to deny what happened even though it was over a period of time. And therefore he could have come onto this website and joined the falsly accused section and noone would know any better.

I think if everyone had your thoughts and reactions and sensitive wording to situations then maybe a mixed forum would not be so contraversial. But due to the sensitivity of victims it can also be damaging as some falsly accused are not as sympathetic as a rape vicitm would require and that is what seems to be the problem.

Sometimes it would be helpful to just read a post and not reply if there are really strong feelings regarding the nature and contents of a post. I can be damaging to a victim.

I know that when I posted here for emotional support at first I was met with a rather cold response - In fact I did not get a respone from anyone which was disturbing to say the least. I felt suicidal at the time.

Victims on both sides need to have a forum that is just for them, a safe place and then other forums that is mixed so that a person can make their own choices and if they want to share with falsley accused or not and vice versa is up to them. Nothing should be forced.

This is where I saw a similarity:

Quote ' Does it go away and do you find your love for your body again? Yes I think many do BUT only when they find a partner whom they can tell who helps you find themselves again, you can then share your rehabilitation together. Any understanding partner should care enough and want to help in any way possible, its like a dense wood one simply finds a path to follow and in the end you hopeully come out and can see clearly again and feel good about yourself and life in general. But I dont and wont suggest it is easy, after all what for some was absolutely HELL and a life changing event you didnt ask for but had to suffer. A critical illness can be very similar not knowing if its terminal or not, only when your cleared are you able to start rebuilding your life, but the scars will always be there somewhere, you just recouperate slowly back into society and reality.'