Report It!

[Unregistered]

Hi, I sought out this site because a friend of mine was raped last week at my home. It has been reported and investigations have revealed he is a serial rapist. Numerous women have come forward given evidence although there is no longer any DNA available to support their claims, the profile of the attacks is practically identical. As a 5 year old I was sexually assaulted by a girl around 17, as an 11 year old child I suffered an attempted abduction by a man, as a 15 year old I lost my virginity through being raped, as an 18 year old I was held prisoner in a flat for 5 hours, stripped naked, beaten and humiliated! I reported NONE of these incidents as I felt it was somehow my fault and was afraid of my parent's reaction. I am in my 50s now and these things still affect me; even more so now that I have been helping my friend cope with what has happened to her. I want to talk to someone but feel that too much time has passed. PLEASE, for your own peace of mind and for your own sanity - talk, talk and talk. Find a counsellor, or a good friend, doctor, police.... someone who can listen and allow you to rid your mind of what has happened. IT DOESN'T GO AWAY, and it messes with your mind and personality.

[Unregistered]

Unfortunately there is a large proportion of people who think you're lying anyway. I reported being raped and went through the humiliation of the 'evidence gathering' which was like stabbing an injured person. Didn't help. He's still out there raping other women. Face it. People don't believe the victims anyway.

[Tibblesmum]

It doesn't matter how long ago all this happened, you can still be helped now. Please, please please - see your GP - anyone professional for that matter - that you trust - and tell them. If you can't bring yourself to say it out loud, write it down and show them, then go from there. That's what I did. Yes, it opened one hell of a can of worms, went through a breakdown at the start of this year and have been battling with depression ever since. But, I've had the counselling and am feeling a lot better about the whole thing - and it happened to me 22 years ago next month. It's never too late to seek help. Am still on meds, but I'm also facing up to some gynea health problems that I couldn't bring myself to do before - so my lovely GP has said I can stay on the meds until it's all sorted, and they're certainly helping. It's not something that can be dealt with quickly, it takes time, but it's so worth it. Perhaps if you do it, you can help your friend do it too - if she sees you doing it - well - you know what I mean, I'm sure.

Please seek help, it's never, ever too late. It's not a sign of weakness either, it's a sign of strength, that you recognise you need help and then ask for it. Little steps, lots of them, but taken one step at a time really does get you there in the end. There is light at the end of that damn long tunnel, believe me, I'm so nearly there now. Get the gynea problems sorted, and I think I'll reach it.

I'm in my 40's now, and if I can do this, I'm hoping you can too.

My explanation is in the introduce yourself bit, take a look if you like, and please get back to me. If you need some support along the way, drop me a line.

Hope to hear from you sometime soon.

Tibblesmum - xxx

[Saffron]

Unfortunately there is a large proportion of people who think you're lying anyway. I reported being raped and went through the humiliation of the 'evidence gathering' which was like stabbing an injured person. Didn't help. He's still out there raping other women. Face it. People don't believe the victims anyway.

I'm sorry, I totally disagree. Most people will automatically believe the victim, not the defendant. Why on earth would someone lie about being raped?
I do not demean the experience of "evidence gathering" in the slightest, but let's be honest - If someone tells you they have been raped, and is prepared to go to the police about it, would any fair minded person assume that they are lying? Unfortunately, it is the people that *do* make false accusations that damage the opportunities for justice for those who are genuine survivors.

[Tibblesmum]

I went to the police too - was conned into it by a well meaning friend - they believed me - why shouldn't they? The only thing was, when I went was a few weeks after, and there was no evidence. They wanted me to prosecute but said themselves that as it was my word against his, the likelihood of a conviction was remote. I couldn't put myself through that, just to see him walk. So I didn't.

It's never too late to deal with it for your own sake though. It does stay with you forever, it's something you learn to live with - you have to deal with it, talk to someone about it, for your own sanity. Otherwise it eats you up inside until you can't see anything for what it truly is. Well, that was how I felt anyway. The flashbacks, panic attacks and tears were all my mind's way of saying it had to be dealt with now, I couldn't bury it any longer.

Please, talk to someone you trust implicitly - it doesn't matter who at first - it's a start. Write it all down it detail, it's painful - I know that - but the relief you feel after each step is amazing, and really does help. As I said before, if you can't bring yourself to tell someone out loud, show them what you've written, so they then understand the turmoil you're in. It does work, honestly - it does.

[Rights Fighter]

I don't understand the last post - that the police didn't want to prosecute because there was no evidence. I know several people who are sitting in prison protesting their innocence where they have been convicted on the word of the complainant alone.

A judge in summing will say something like this, in those cases:

"Well ladies and gentlemen of the jury. You have heard the evidence, there is no more. In cases like this quite often the only evidence that there is - is the word of the complainant against the word of the defendant and it is up to you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, to decide who is telling the truth".

Maybe it's a post code lottery as to which police force will prosecute and which won't. However, terrible though it is that many rapists walk off scott-free, many people have been convicted on who the jury believes to be lying.

These cases should be investigated diffferently and they should be tried differently. It's not fair on either party, where the victim is genuine and the defendant is guilty v the "victim" is lying and the defendant is innocent.

[Tibblesmum]

Re-read the first paragraph again - They DID want to prosecute, they were very disappointed to say the least, that I refused to press charges, but as there was no evidence - they didn't think they'd get a conviction. I just couldn't put myself through that. When even my mum thought it was my fault, that I must've led him on in some way, well, why should perfect strangers in a jury believe me?? Thankfully, mum's gone full circle now, and is 100% supportive. What also went against me was the fact we knew each other, and he wasn't a stranger. In those days (mid 80's) they thought only strangers raped - not people who were known to the victim. Of course, these days they know different. They also have soft interviewing suites and such now, whereas I was spoken to in what looked like an empty squad room. I'm glad times have changed. Maybe if it happened more recently, where the thinking's changed in general, I'd have had more chance of getting a conviction from a jury. Back then tho, it didn't happen - according to their sparse statistics, by someone that was known to the victim. No, scratch that - not victim - Survivor.

Have at look at my details hun, in the introduce yourself bit, read that thru, and tell me what you think. Times have changed for the better since that time (thank God), it's just the minority of women who think it's a great revenge tool (sick puppies) to falsely accuse a man of rape. It's those women who put the rest off going to the police - it's just not on.

[Rights Fighter]

If the police, as you say, didn't think they would get a conviction then the same would be said for the CPS. They will only proceed with cases where there is a reasonable chance of conviction.

These days even if a complainant does not wish to proceed there are cases where the cases have gone ahead using the complainant's witness statements/interviews.

Back in the 80's I think I am right in saying that if there was no corroboration then the case would go nowhere anyway. This was corrected in the early 90's by allowing hearsay evidence in some circumstances but the judge would have to direct the jury that hearsay evidence does not corroborate the complainant's allegations.

More recently hearsay evidence is more widely acceptable and in most cases although it is no longer incumbent on the judge to direct the jury that this evidence does not emanate from the complainant her/himself and does not corroborate it, most judges will still warn the jury.

People who make false allegations of sexual abuse, male or female, child or adult, do a great disservice to the real victims, I've said that many times on various forums.

Years ago people making allegations of rape within marriage or domestic violence were wrongly ignored. Thankfully times have changed.

I have suffered myself the indignity of having been forced into sex by my ex husband and others and have ended up giving in and lying there allowing it to happen as I'd have been beaten up otherwise, or worse. One guy told me that "no woman has ever said "no" to me and it's not going to start now". That was in the 70's through to 2006. I'm staying on my own now as I don't trust men. That's sad but that's the way it is.

[Tibblesmum]

God only knows why they wanted me to prosecute then. Did the CPS exist 20 odd years ago? I don't know, it probably did under another name maybe.

It's a rotten shame you've given up on men now, they're not all like that, by a long way. It took me ages to trust my now dh, but he's the only man I let anywhere near me "down below" now, I'll only see a female Dr or nurse if I know an exam will mean stripping off below the waist. As much as I like and trust my GP - I won't let him near me down there. The counselling helped a lot, the fact I can be examined by the female staff without losing it, and sobbing afterwards is a big step, but I don't think I'll ever be comfy about male staff down there. I have to go into hospital soon for a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy (sp?) - luckily under a GA - as it's a male consultant. Just hope he doesn't want to examine me before or after - when I'm awake, or I may have some more explaining to do. We'll see won't we. I have a male dentist, who's lovely, but as he's only interested in looking in my mouth it's not so bad, but it's still invasive, and something I'd rather not do, but can manage that now too.

I do hope you've got friends though, and supportive family, you can't go through life entirely on your own. My family have been great, and I may not have a lot of friends, but those I do have, have been so supportive and understanding - receiving soggy shoulders when the need has arisen in the earlier part of this year. We have a good gossip, or deep and meaningful conversations as the mood takes us, and we all need that from time to time.

Not all men are complete bar-stewards, some are - yes - but not all by a long way. Take care hun, and if you fancy a private chat sometime, please drop me a private message and we can do just that.

[Rights Fighter]

Thank you for your kinds words - they did make me sniffle - DON'T BE NICE TO ME OR I'LL CRY!!!!!

I think that this is something that happens day in day out. Remember the old adage "lie back and think of England?" Countless women through the ages have said "I don't feel like it tonight" or "I'm too tired" but still get clambered over or wake up to find "loving" hubby on top of them panting.

If all men who did that were prosecuted and sent to prison for rape this country would be bankrupt from keeping them in prison or on probation, plus of course "compensation" claimed" which is paid for from the tax-payers earnings would contribute to that.

I've learned it's just not worth the effort. I'm happier without being in a relationship although it would be nice to have a nice gay male friend to go out with sometimes!!!

[Tibblesmum]

Bless you hun! The amount of times I've had a few tears on here myself!

A male gay best friend is lovely to have, they give you a man's point of view, are in touch with their feminine side, and you know damn well you're safe with them too

Yes, lay back and think of England, I've done that a few times in my life when I really didn't feel like it, but didn't want to upset dh. We don't do that now though, if I say I don't feel like it, he doesn't push it, so to speak. Oo er

You take care, and we'll chat again soon, I hope.

xxx

[MerlinScot]

Years ago people making allegations of rape within marriage or domestic violence were wrongly ignored. Thankfully times have changed.

I have suffered myself the indignity of having been forced into sex by my ex husband and others and have ended up giving in and lying there allowing it to happen as I'd have been beaten up otherwise, or worse. One guy told me that "no woman has ever said "no" to me and it's not going to start now". That was in the 70's through to 2006. I'm staying on my own now as I don't trust men. That's sad but that's the way it is.

I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm still very critical about what's happening in courts and rape cases, given what's happening to me. At least in rural Scotland, rape victims are still the liars, you get your name and reputation slandered and your life ruined after being raped and abused.

But I don't agree about what you said about men. They're not all like that. There's life after the rape and the abuse. The only thing I'm proud of is that I survived and I still can give love to my wonderful boyfriend and maybe one day starting a family.
He was my walking stick throughout my recovery, always caring and full of understanding, despite I still have nightmares and I often think of what my ex said and did to me, unfortunately. That never fades away but.. thank God most men aren't rapists and abusers.

Big hug darling

[Saffron]

MerlinScot, I am so pleased that you have a caring partner.
You should also be extremely proud of yourself for surviving your ordeal. You are an example to all of us.

[friday]

You are an inspiration to me and other survivers

[Faith]

But I don't agree about what you said about men. They're not all like that. There's life after the rape and the abuse. The only thing I'm proud of is that I survived and I still can give love to my wonderful boyfriend and maybe one day starting a family.
He was my walking stick throughout my recovery, always caring and full of understanding, despite I still have nightmares and I often think of what my ex said and did to me, unfortunately. That never fades away but.. thank God most men aren't rapists and abusers.

Big hug darling

A brave thing to say, considering what you have been through. It would be perfectly natural for you to consider all men to be b@stards (I must admit to going through a phase of thinking all teenage girls are liars!! Not true of course)

Well done you for being strong enough to move past any hatred you must have for men and acknowledging that the evil is the result of the rapist and him alone.

Take Care.