is this rape?

[Unregistered]

a few nights ago, I got really drunk. I have a boyfriend and i know it was my own responsibility getting drunk, but I had a lot of things on my mind that night. at some later point in the night, i was throwing up into a trash can and spilling all of my problems to my friend, who supported me as best he could. and then he took me upstairs and had sex with me. although I remember most of the night, I know I was very drunk and I also know I would never have had sex with him if I had been sober (because he tried a different night when I wasnt so drunk and I refused). I remember before he started I told him that its wrong and its bad and whatever other drunken excuses I could make, but I didn't stop him or fight it. I'm really confused. Am I just trying to blame him because I feel bad for cheating on my boyfriend? or am I just feeling guilty for having sex with someone I would never have sex with if it werent for the alcohol? or was I really raped? I know he had no evil intention... but talking to him makes me sick. I'm thinking of telling my boyfriend everything that happened, but right now, I don't know where to start or what to do.

[Saffron]

Hello Guest

this is a really tough one to answer. The definition of rape is someone being made to have sex against their will, whether by violence, threat of violence, deceitful co-ercion, or the inability to say "no".

I have been in the same situation as you, and after a very alcoholic night out, i ended up in bed with someone i would never have normally considered, and in fact had previously turned down....I just sort of went along with it, not saying no, but not enjoying it either. In the morning I couldn't even bring myself to look at him, i found him repellant. I don't count myself as a rape victim though.

The only person who can really answer the question is you. Yes, you were drunk, and it definitely sounds as though this man behaved in a predatory manner, and took advantage of you while you were not in full possession of your wits. Did he force you, or frighten you? Did you tell him "no"? or were you so out of it that you didn't realise what was going on until it was too late? If any of these apply, then it was rape.

Saying that the sex is wrong and bad is not the same as saying no, in the same way as not saying yes isn't the same as saying no. Illicit sex is not necessarily rape. Alcohol does lower our inhibitions, and we frequently do things we would never normally consider whilst sober. In the cold light of day we may well be disgusted with ourselves.

In the UK where I am from, a new law has been passed saying that men have to take responsibility for making sure they have the consent of a partner before proceeding with sexual contact, particularly if the woman is drunk. If they cannot prove that they gained consent, they are guilty of at least sexual assault, and possibly rape.

My own opinion is that as a woman, i have to take a certain amount of responsibility for my own safety.

There are some who will tell you that you were definitely raped, and there are some who will tell you that you weren't. The only person who can decide is you.

I would suggest you confide in someone you trust, who knows you well. Talk it through with them. You may decide that you were raped, you may decide that it was an unpleasant sexual encounter. But please, in the future, for your own sanity and wellbeing, don't allow yourself to get into that situation again.

Keep well.

[Unregistered adiscott]

hi

firstly i am so sorry to hear of your predicament. i have been falsely accused of rape and to get as much information as possible have been doing as much research as i possibly can.

it does seem from your post that it is an issue of consent, the allegation of rape obviously is secondary. If there was consent then consentual sex would have occured, if no consent, then obviously no consensual sex, and a question of rape under section 1 of the sexual offences act 2003.

There is a lot of information on being in a capacity to consent, and this is based upon people being under the influence of drink and/or drugs. The sexual offences act 2003 sections 74 -76 deal specifically with ones ability to consent. I really would look at whether you consented and whether you felt you were in a position to consent. Being drunk does not mean you are open to offers of sex with others.

I have to admit, although i have been wrongly accused of something i would never do, it does hurt to consider that you may have not been in a position to consent. There have been various campaigns for men ensuring that a woman is in a position to consent.

[Cassie]

I know where you're coming from, I went to my friends house 2 years ago, I remember the date exactly, it's as if it's stuck in my mind, I was single at the time. I went there to hang out with him and sleep over (in the guest room) he was one of my closest friends at the time, we started having a few glasses of alcohol and I was planning on getting tipsy but not drunk.

I can't tell you exactly what happened... I don't remember a lot of what happened that night. I remember we were going to have a shot of Absynth, so as he was pouring it in the glasses I went to the toilet, when I came out, he had claimed he had already drank his shot and that it was my turn, so I did.

it messed my head up so much! I don't remember much else apart from being violently sick and then just images of him on top of me, naked. I haven't talked to him since that night. I remember going to the toilet the next day and remembering parts, so I tried to find a condom wrapper or something, but couldn't find one, which made it worse... lucky I was not pregnant. I do count it as rape and I will never talk to that man again. I may never be able to remember the whole night, but what I remember is enough for me. I hope this helped you.