Complex and unusual case - advice needed!

[Concerned c]

Hi,

I'm not the victim but I'm so worried about my friend who was, and is in my opinion still. Would really appreciate some advice and this is a bit more unusual I think.

My friend was 4 years ago a 15 year old boy who went to help his friend do some work at a woman's house, a family 'friend'. She 'befriended' him, groomed him for a short time and eventually had sex with him. He didn't argue but was not old enough to legally consent. She was 30 years old.

She continued to sleep with him for some months, at which point his mother found out and was so upset, he was sent to live with his father for 2 years as it was too far for him to travel to visit her.

He believes she is the love of his life, and when he moved back to his mum's she made contact again. She's been calling him back for sex, and despite that she married someone else 2 weeks ago, spent most of the week leading up to it in bed with my friend. He won't listen to reason, she says as he is now 19 (she's 34) in a couple of years he'll be old enough to settle down and she'll leave her husband for him. He is currently house-sitting while she is on her honeymoon!

I believe this is a form of Stockholm Syndrome, she has no intention of following it through and just wants to use him. He may be having fun in the meantime but he's also throwing away his own chance of a happy, healthy relationship as he will wait for her.

He is a stunning young man, with his whole life ahead of him. He's decided despite always wanting kids of his own he will give up that chance as she doesn't want any (she has a 14 year old son). The whole situation makes me so angry. She is a nasty selfish harlot who wants to have her cake and eat it...

He is petrified his mum will find out as it will permanently break their relationship, so how will he be with this woman in the future?

What happens when the husband finds out? I'm worried he'll be physically assaulted if the truth comes out. Also sad for the husband, as he'd be devastated.

How do I help him accept that this relationship has no future when he thinks she's 'the one'. I'm so worried about the psychological issues she's inflicted on him - he has had other relationships but they always fail. He believes that's because no-one can live up to the way he feels about her (his abuser). As a friend I can see that's not the case but his mind is clear, if not deluded.

Would appreciate any insight, suggestions, any experience of similar? I'd wait and hope he realises how futile it is but if after 4 years and a wedding he still hasn't worked it out, I don't think time is the answer. He won't agree to counselling as he doesn't see a problem. She encouraged him to go to her wedding and laugh as he knew where they'd been 24 hours before. IMO this woman is sick and dragging him down with her.

Thanks

[Music lady]

Hi Concerned c, from what you've said, it does sound as though she is using your friend. This may be hard to hear, but I think the more you try and tell him she's just using him, the more determined he'll be to wait for her. I feel that all you can do is just be there for him because if this woman does let him down, he'll be in need of a good friend. I wouldn't go down the road of 'I told you so' if it does go the way you've told him. Unfortunately it's true what they say, love is blind. When you're in the situation, you can't see what's going on. I suppose it's a kind of denial.

Sorry I can't be more help. I just think it's something he has to find out for himself. Sounds like he really does have strong feelings for her if he's prepared to risk his relationship with his mum for her. So, to be honest, I don't think he'd listen to anyone else. So, just be there incase he needs you.

[Dave]

Give it a year or so, he'll find someone of his own age and realise what a chump he has been.

Been there and done very similar but I was 17 and she was 25 with three kids, I would be extremely surprised if it last long.

[Concerned c]

Thanks for your replies. He's losing friends quickly over this and it's only a matter of time before his mum finds out, she will be furious. He's also considering throwing away a once in a lifetime job for this one I now refer to as 'the rapist'. And there's still the husband, who's already suspicious.

At least I'll be around to visit him in hospital as I have no doubt it will end badly.

I've dated much older and younger partners in my time but neither party was below the age of consent!

Just have to see how it all pans out I guess.
Thanks for your contributions. Wouldn't expect the police would be interested unfortunately . I'd like to be a fly on the wall for that knock on the door!

[whatsgoingon?]

Relationships with much older and younger people do happen as you yourself have experienced! Some do start off with one of the partners being under-age and still end up lasting a very long time. Some don't.

He's 19 now... - a lifetime of learning through experience and mistakes ahead of him! Whatever way it turns out for him he's going to appreciate having a long-term friend who is sensitive enough to let him live his own life but is still there for him come rain or shine.