Confused:Is she lying...its killing me

[superman183]

hello all...thanks for your time...recently me and my girlfriend went to a party at our freinds house, we knew everyone there so we thought it was a safe environment...She walked me home at about 2 AM as I had drank a little to much and needed some sleep, she told me she would go straight home and sleep as well...I had left my car at the party house and gave her my cell phone and told her id call her at 6 Am because she wanted to come get the car with me the next day...i ended up sleeping in and didnt call her til 9, and she was already on her way to my house. when she got there i could tell something was wrong and after about an hour I finally convinced her to tell me, she said she had been raped by a guy that I had repeatedly told her was scum and an asshole...I took her to the hospital to get the morning after pill and what not, she didnt want to report it or get counselling. She later told me that she slept at the guys house,by herself, and after i left the party she went back, drank more alcohol and tried ecstasy for her first time...everyone at the party(my freinds included) told me that the 'rapist' told her what was available at his house(sex) and she agreed, she told methat other ppl were suposed to sleep there too, but they deny it...she told me she left the guys house right after it happened and went back to the party house, everyone at the party house said she didnt even come back until 9 o clock, she told me she left the rapists house at 6...we went to a party at the same house and she sat down and talked to him in a friendly manner, we got there all the time and she always talks to him like nothing happened, she drinks with him, gives him smokes, sometimes it seems like shes flirting but she denies it...she will never talk to me about it and if i ask she says i dont trust her...last but not least her pants are almost impossible for me to get off without her help because they are so damn tight..how did this so called rapist get them off...and i heard ecstasy makes u horny or something but ive never done it so i wouldnt know...please anyone tell me what u think because I cant sleep at night knowing someone did this to her or knowing that she is lying to me about to to protect my feelings and because she knows i would never speak to her again..i told her several times to stay away from him and then she sleeps at his house! i dont get it...doesnt seem like rape to me and i need advice..thanks

[superman183]

Do people that have been rapes normally still hang out with the person that raped them...seems unlikely but I could be wrong...i would think that something like that would scar someone and they would never want to see that person again, let alone be freindly with them

[lilahfairy]

i disagree
i was raped by a boyfriend and continued the relationship. bad idea, but i did it.
and i know women who have been raped and still had contact with their rapists. sometimes not out of choice. sometimes for other reasons.
its complicated. every persons situation and past experience and vulnerabilities and reactions are different.
there is no 'blanket rule' as to how a person reacts to being raped.
survivors struggle alot with self blame and societies blame, and sometimes dont realise that its not their fault and that they dont have to pretend everything is ok.
sometimes they convince themselves to some extent that what happened wasnt wrong or 'that bad' rather than face the hurt and feelings of powerlessness and loss of control and fear.
sometimes they are trying to normalise what happened. to somehow 'undo' what happened. (not sure how to explain that. ive been there done that. tricky one to verbalise. as if if you act like nothing happened and see the person act normally towards you and other people, it somehow means they cant be a rapist and it didnt really happen)
sometimes they are afraid of the repercussions of avoiding someone. the questions other people will ask. the pressures put on them.
or just fear of losing all their friends.

even the closest friends can react dfenesively. alot of people i thought i knew and trusted disowned me after i was raped in october. and that wasnt even by someone they knew. they just didnt want to know/deal.

and groups often cover up for people. maybe they dont believe what she said. they may have no proof. but cant comprehend that someone they know would rape a girl. so they deny.

or maybe her recollection of details isnt too good.
trauma can do that to you. its funny. certain details can be etched into your brain forever.
and others can be very fuzzy. in a situation like that the brain releases lots of different chemicals. and doesnt necessarily process memory in the same way as everyday events.
i know i got some of the details wrong about my rape in october. i went back to where i thing it happened. (he took me various places) some memories were spot on, in places i had never been to before (or since). the layout, images, distances, road names etc were all accurate.
but other details were wrong somewhat. certain buildings and roads and paths werent quite where i recalled them being. and my time-scale is all over the place. i wasnt really checking clocks or thinking about that when it happened.

as for her going to his house. we all make poor decisions sometimes. but then we are not usually expecting that the person we are with will rape us. hindsight is a great thing that way. lots of if onlys and i shouldnt haves. but how often do you think that it will happen to you? how many girls go out drinking? or risk walking home one night? or indeed go back to someones house thinking that if they said no or stop, that person would? i have experienced abuse and rape. yet on the whole id still trust that most men i meet would not force themselves on me. because most men wouldnt. dont.
it is reasonable and normal to think you arent going to be raped. because 99% of the time you wont be.
i think its more common that alot of people think. but even so, given how many times we meet men, go to parties, sleep over at peoples houses, walk down the street, drink alcohol, whatever... it doesnt happen most of the times we do those things.
women dont generally walk around thinking they are going to be raped. (most of the time)

its just hindsight that gets us thinking 'well what did i expect?' and considering what we *should* have done.
we didnt know what was going to happen.
maybe poor judgement.
but that doesnt mean we were asking for it.


ultimately no one here can tell you if she is telling the truth.
ultimately no one in the world can prove to you if she is telling the truth or not.
once two people are behind closed doors, who's to say what has happened???
only they know.
and people dont always tell the truth.
she might be lying.
he might be lying.
other people might be lying.
i dont know.

i do know a friend who was raped and had bruises and scratches and got pregnant by it. went through a v hard time emotionally. still people, inc her bf at the time, didnt believe her.

i dont think anything could rule it out. or in.
unfortunately.

rape is a very personal crime. and has personal repercussions and reactions.
there are no generalisations as to what she would do in response.
every individual is different.
maybe you would do things differently, but thats you not her.

i wouldnt even rule it out f she retracts. you have to accept what she says. but i know i have considered retracting what i said after telling people. for many reasons. mostly shame and fear. wanting to make it all go away and pretend it never happened. (but that doesnt really work in the end)

we can never really know what its like to be someone else or experience exactly what they experience.
i wouldnt claim to know what another rape survivor feels or experienced or understand all her reactions and behaviours. i am only an expert on myself and my experiences.

it comes down to whether you choose to believe her. whether you trust her.
no one can answer that for you.
try not to pressure her to report or go for counselling. but maybe mention from time to time that maybe talking to someone might be helpful.
perhaps look up local rape crisis numbers. if there are any. (there arent where i live)
i dont think forcing her to deal with it before shes ready would be helpful. if shes not ready to face the memories and feelings, being forced into it can be overwhelming and counter-productive. and is yet another loss of control and sense of being forced into something you dont want to do.

perhaps you could get a few sessions to talk to someone yourself about your feelings and dilemmas and uncertainties and issues about it??? a neutral person to vent some feelings to and bounce ideas off???
or maybe a web forum for secondary survivors? (friends/relatives/partners of rape survivors)
of course the victim bears the brunt of what happened, but other people are affected too.

im sorry i cant give you that answer or be more helpful. im sorry you are having to deal with this problem at the moment. it cant be fun.
i hope you come to some resolution, either way.

pm me if you like.

lilah
x

[diana_holbourn]

Yes, as Lilah says, it would be difficult for anyone to make a judgment as to what's most likely to have happened. The most anyone can do is speculate.

It's possible that it's a case of sleeping with someone while under the influence of drink and drugs and regretting it when sobering up, and interpreting it as rape because she wouldn't have consented if she'd been sober and he might have known that, so he was taking advantage. I think that in some places, they've passed a law that does classify having sex with someone who consents while their judgment is impaired because they're drunk as rape. But if so, it would mean she wouldn't have suffered the trauma that someone would if the sex had been literally without their consent. So she might not show any signs of distress in his presence, and could even fancy him.

But who knows.

[webmoo]

Topic unlocked again - I don&#39;t know how that happened. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/whistling.gif[/img]

It must have been done in error. Sorry&#33; [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img]