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**Saffron** · 11 May 2011, 10:56 AM

Hi Joon

The waiting is the hardest part to cope with, on both sides of the fence. Have you been to your GP? Your doc will be able to offer meds to cope with the down days, and can also refer you for counselling. If you don't want to go to the docs, try talking to Rape Crisis - they will be able to recommend a counsellor too.

It is completely normal to have good days and bad days. The important thing to remember is that for the time being at least, this is out of your hands. You have done everything you can for now, and you should be very proud of that.

**friday** · 11 May 2011, 04:54 PM

The waiting isn't easy. I don't think I had to wait that long, guess I was lucky. I got through the wait by expecting that it wouldn't be going to trial and recognising that just going to the police was a big deal and if nothing else happened then at least he might think twice before doing it to someone else. I tried to keep busy seeing friends etc but sometimes leaving the house and talking to people seemed too difficult.

Is your SOIT officer keeping you updated regularly? Make sure you use their support. I found the support from mine really helped me get through the dark times and without her I wouldn't have been able to get through court.

I know what you mean about not being able to work with all that is going on. It is perfectly understandable. Could you submit mitigating circumstances and take them in late summer (if your uni has late summer retakes)? You can't be expected to be able to work, your mind is somewhere else, but if you do have a good day then I guess those are the times to focus on work. Depending on what you study could you revise/research using alternate formats (dvds of plays, lectures on youtube etc). I find that I can retain some information from those methods even when I can't concentrate enough to read.

I hope you get to move quickly.

**friday** · 16 May 2011, 06:02 PM

I hope your housing manager gets you the move you need quickly. I had to move after he was found not guilty as his bail conditions no longer stood (his family lived and worked near me) but my council were rubbish and didn't find me anywhere (i was in temporary supported accomodation and have complex needs which already narrow the options). Moving is stressful but I guess it is a matter of balancing the stress of him nearby with the stress of moving and if moving is less stressful then you just have to make the most of a bad situation. Not sure if it would help you but I tried to visualise leaving the person who was raped in that area and considered that it was the new me that was moving.

Like you my rapist was not violent in the sense he intentionally physically hurt me but in my opinion rape is always violent; it ravages your mind. As much as I believe all men who rape should be punished I can't come up with any suitable way of ensuring a jury can tell who is guilty unless the evidence makes it obvious. Unfortunately this means that many rape victims, myself included, will never see justice because their attacker didn't leave them beaten black and blue on the outside. Like you I have also sometimes thought it would have been better if I had been physically hurt and if I had fought back because then I may have got justice but then I remember that I might not be here today and although that seemed like a better option 4 years ago I certainly don't feel that way now.

It is good that you will be volunteering. Can I ask what type of thing you will be doing? I volunteer at a day centre for people with mental health needs and I find it really helps to take my mind of my own problems for a few hours.

I know it is easy for me to say but it does get better. It will always be a part of you but it will become such a small part of your identity that it doesn't occupy your thoughts most of the time. As weird as this is going to sound I will say it: I like who I am now. I am stronger, wiser, more understanding, more determined, more driven and better able to support others. I may be far older than my years and this may mean I can't be like other 21 year olds but I don't need to be. I am happy to be different and I know that had I not been a victim of such a horrific crime I would not be this person today. Of course I wish it never happened but I am grateful that I have come through it as the person I am. This is how I am getting my justice. I am lving my life and not giving him any more power over me.

Sorry for the long rambling message! Not sure what that was all about!

**River2005** · 16 May 2011, 08:55 PM

thanks friday

Thanks

That's a shame about your housing situation. I know councils can be very slack for the most part. Has that been sorted out now with you moving into something permanent?

The police made it clear to my housing that I am not safe and need to move asap because he knows where I live but I don't know where he lives i.e his new address. So hopefully they will respond asap. (he moved 3 times in the 6 weeks the police were looking for him after I reported him.) I see what you are saying about leaving the victim me with my old home but I don't feel like a "new" me can emerge until al my cases are over with.

It's a shame that victims of rape are being failed unless it is obvious physical damage has occurred. But you are right if I did fight back/or he did use weapons/violence I might not be here today. I will raise this point with my soit officer and see if there is a way for my concerns to be addressed by someone in CPS if possible.

Yes I will be volunteering at a nursery for 0-4 year olds. The playful hearts and the innocence of children should cheer me up a bit for a few hours a week.

Joon x

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