will it ever end?

[friday]

i was dog-sitting at my mums this weekend and she has builders in to do her loft conversion. i thought i'd be ok but i heard them on the scaffolding and freaked out. rang my mum in tears telling her i couldn't let them in cos i was too scared. my mum said they were nice guys, she had spoken about their families etc yet she didn't seem able to undestand this didn't help at all. she thinks i need more specialist help than i am getting but i can't get any on the nhs. all the charities in my area have lost their funding cos noone on the board sees this as a big deal. how can i move forward when i can't find anyone to help me get through this? (in real life, i know i have people on here but i mean people i can see and relate to as faces, rather than words on a forum).

[Saffron]

Friday, I am so sorry you freaked out. But try not to think of it as a major set back. It was an incident that I can totally relate to - unknown men talking outside your house, wanting to get in. Sounds like your reaction was entirely natural to me. I would feel uncomfortable with men I didn't know in my house if I was alone, and I have not been through the same ordeal as you have.

When I was selling my house about 7 years ago, I insisted that the estate agent should show prospective buyers around if my husband wasn't home. I wasn't prepared to do it on my own. I don't think that was an unreasonable request - more like a perfectly sensible one!

So try not to let this get to you. I don't think you need specialist help, just time, patience and understanding. It's only been a year since the retrial, and there is no way you would have been able to even begin healing until that was over. Like I said, look over your shoulder and see how far you have come anhd what you have acheived - you have a place at Uni, and you are still here, fighting. Be kind to yourself, and congratulate yourself for still being here.

Cyber hugs

Saffron xx

[friday]

thanks saffron, i know i have come so far but it kills me to know he is still controlling my life to some degree. i think my mum was just shocked at the state i was in, hiding behind the fridge in the kitchen scared out of my mind. i felt like it was him outside and that it was certain they were going to rape me. all is well now though, and i guess that is what matters.

[Saffron]

No, don't try to play it down. You must have been very frightened. Yes, you are safe now, but I completely understand the feeling of irrational terror. I get it a lot, especially when R is away, which he has to be a lot for his job. I lie in bed and imagine all sorts of horrible things. I always take my mobile phone to bed with me in case I need to phone the police.

One night recently I kept imagining I could hear someone walking up the gravel path to my house. I picked the kids up out of their beds,tucked them into my bed, and stayed awake. I got my big chef's knife from the kitchen and put it on my bedside table. At 4am I realised that I actually genuinely *could* hear someone walking up the path, and with shaking hands I peeped out of the curtains. There was a man walking up the drive. As I watched, he put two bottles of milk by the front door and walked away again. I have never been so afraid of Mervyn, our milkman.

It sounds funny now, but at the time I was honestly terrified. I had planned an escape route from the house (out of the bedroom window, onto the flat roof, and then bang on the neighbour's window until they woke up) and I had even armed myself. Thank God the kids didn't wake up to see me clutching a knife and quivering.

It was completely irrational, like your fear, but that doesn't make it any less real and terrifying.

The Animal that attacked you will of course still affect your life, in the same way that The Liar still affects mine and R's life. I don't think that ever goes away completely. But it's what you make of what is left that is really important. And you are making a great success of your life. Your experiences will always shape who you are, and you are shaping your life to be better than The Animal would ever have imagined. Hold on to that.

Saffron

[RFLH]

Hi Friday, I've not been about much as I've been fighting demons!

I've found that this helps - http://www.livinglifetothefull.com/

and

http://www.panic-attacks.co.uk

[friday]

thanks saffron and rflh. i will check out those links in a second.
saffron, that sounds insane. though i definetly don't think you are alone. i've never got a kitchen knife out though!

[sammy64]

Hi Friday.

Have you still not found anyone to help/speak to you? after all this time??? Oh my god...can i ask how old you are? and what area you live in? tell me to bugger off if you want This has been my only salvation/help. Whats going on???? Im here if you need to chat, take care x

[sammy64]

All...thanks again..

Hi, am back online now...Still frightened out of my life...hammers/sprays/knives/safety pins/chopper/alarms/bells all stategiatly placed,chair and grandaughters bike pushed against my bedroom door. doors and windows locked with traps all over the place.!!!!! Still nothing happened except me going Haven!!!??? talking to PEOPLE who i think will help me.and are supposed too..etc etc etc...aged a million years, ill, scared, not in control of my life, because of this nasty evil disgusting piece of s..t...sorry to go on, not been able too for a long time...take care all x

[friday]

hey sammy, sorry to hear things are taking so long with the police. hopefully you will get some news soon. i'm 20, by the way, and a londoner.

[sammy64]

Haven..

Hi Friday, I do hope you feeling better....does it all take forever???? My SOIT officer has my results but is off ill , so I have to wait another week which is killing me..The Haven say they dont have results, the police have them, so why do I have to sign a consent form to the police??? No help anywhere and the Haven are treating me like a dog....Ive been in touch with th e Haven at whitechapel and they have been more helpful than anyone. I wish I was at Haven in Whitechapel...bless you darling, cheer up, (easy to say), but this bloke can be walking down my road anytime now, and it frightens the life out of me.....