coping with relationships/sex after rape

[friday]

my first sexual experience was being raped. as you can imagine this really messed up my opinion of sex. i thought that was almost normal. i had no respect for my body. it took me a long time to learn to say no (i still find it hard) because i'd rather believe i was in control than risk the person ignoring my wish and doing it anyway.

i became quite promiscuous about a year (almost exactly a year) after it happened. i guess it was about trying to reclaim my body and create new memories of sex. ive had two real relationships but the first was a disaster. he was emotionally controlling, verging on abusive (or perhaps i am still in denial), would call me all sorts of horrendous names and make me feel worthless, was physically violent on occasions, i could never say no to sex with him and then he either attemped to rape me or did (i was asleep after drinking too much and woke up naked). his defence was that he couldnt get it up so it was ok!

i finally met a guy who was lovely. supported me through both court cases. understood when i couldn't have sex or if i had flashbacks during sex. he was truly an amazing guy but my feelings changed. perhaps all the drama of court and the realisation that the system doesnt work has made me cynical and not the person i used to be so thats why the relationship fell apart, or perhaps i'm just running away because its scary cos i'm not used to someone being nothing but caring and respectful.

now i'm just confused. i don't want to be on my own cos i must have USE ME written on my head. i don't want to be on my own cos i'm lonely but too much has happened. my ex found videos someone had taken of me on the internet. i should go mad at the man involved but i can't. it just seems like everyone knows i'm stupid and naive and takes advantage. but i just let them because i expect it now.

ive lost all self respect and don't know how to live anymore. i am fed up of being vulnerable and getting walked all over but i don't have the strength to fight back. sex has already been ruined for me so i don't even expect anything else. but if i keep expecting people to treat me like **** then they will. im a self-fulfilling prophecy.

ok, this is a ramble. i'll shut up. no one needs to reply. i'm just in a weird mood.

[Saffron]

Friday, having a ranty ramble keeps us all sane at times! You certainly don't need to apologise for it.
It's terrible about the videos of you on the web. Can you contact the administrators of whatever site they are on and insist they are removed? If you don't feel up to confrontation I will help you if you like.
You have been through a tremendous ordeal, and the fact that you can see how it has affected you is strength in itself. You may not feel strong, but you are.
I remember when you first started posting here you and I had some good debates. You are a feisty, intelligent and articulate woman. Hold on to that!
Hugs

[friday]

the videos are no longer online, thank god. either the guy involved removed them or they were removed for some other reason. either way they are no longer online. my boyfriend didnt tell me at first cos he was told about them by a friend but it was during the trial so there never seem to be a good time to tell me. if he had told me i could have got them removed sooner but it may have been more than i could cope with at the time. the thought of them being viewed over 600 times makes me feel sick though. i hope that the 2 people i am aware of are the only people i know that have viewed them.

my mum calls me a fighter. i think im more of a reluctant fighter. i fight because the only other option is to let the scumbags defeat me.

as for the debates, i am an eternal pedant

[RFLH]

I'm pleased they were removed.

I reckon you're a lot tougher than you give yourself credit for. A lesser person would have given up long ago, but your still battling on. I give you my utter respect and admiration.

[friday]

of course the other reason i keep fighting is to give people someone to argue with. dont want people getting all complacent, do we? gotta keep people on their toes.

[RFLH]

I don't think the site will slumber whist you're about!

Keep shouting and shake the compacent ones.

[friday]

my grandad always used to say i'd argue with the stones in the road. to which i'd reply, "i wouldn't. unless they started arguing with me". nothings changed.

[RFLH]

I'm too bone idle to argue these days. Life's too short and precious, but that's not to say I wouldn't if the need arose!

[friday]

i think i argue (as in debate) so much because i do not argue in other parts of my life. i hate confrontation because i grew up in a house with so much arguing that even a raised voice provokes the fear i had when i was younger. when i do argue with loved ones it is always horrific. but at least its rare.
my two best arguments ever were:
a) with my best friend over who was going to use the toilet first (we were about 12 and it descended into hair pulling etc)
b) with my sister when i was staying with her cos i didnt want to go to the shop to buy loo roll and i didnt have any money for it. it ended up with us both crying and saying how much we loved each other. madness.

notice a theme?

[RFLH]

indeed it does! My brother and I had some stinking rows and I'd stick up for him if he was having bother - but he never returned the favour, in fact he made it his life's mission to gert me into as much trouble as he could. We don't speak now!

[isi]

Hmmmm this is quite a ard post for me to respond to as I am not too sure myself.
However, I have had a break from men and decided only when I am truly ready and the person seems right at the time that I will venture back into the relationship/sex aspect of life. One way I am combatting it is thinking aabout what I think is acceptable and what isnt. what do I look for in a person? what do I want? and very important... do I feel safe? Setting up a safe environment for a relationship to happen and a trusting environment. I also believe in listening to your gut instinct because when you have been raped/abused you tend not to trust yourself as much as you would normally and possibly accept things that your female counterparts would not.

I have not met anyone to try out this little theory with yet even though I have had ample opportuniy to meet people. I am just not reasy yet and my situ is different to yours. I work full time and have 2 kids so my life is pretty full at the moment.

x

[friday]

^thanks for replying. i suppose its difficult to have a uniform way of responding to past issues when all of us have experienced different things and even the same thing is experienced differently by each of us.

part of me wishes what happened to me happened when i was older, after i had some positive experiences. but then again i wonder if i had those positive experiences first i would have found it even more difficult to deal with because it would have been so different.

i like to believe i make choices on my sexual life because its what i want but more and more i am starting to believe its because of what happened. i wont go into details but lets just say i dont think i would have ever done the type of things i have done had this not happened to me. i don't think i would even have considered it. and that scares me. to think he is continuing to abuse me by me allowing myself to be used.

so i am not looking for anyone but not keeping away from men intentionally. it seems now i am single friends declare they have "always liked me". flattering as that is, its not what i need.

[isi]

I know what you mean about not needing that type of flattery. Especially when you are trying to ground yourself and understand behaviours and responses to situations you have been in.
If they are your friends then being honest and open about where they stand with you in terms of friendship may make you feel more at ease and that will also show you friends integrity and intentions towards you because if the are real friends they will accept yourresponse and leave it at that and be happy to remain as friends and nothing more. Dont feel like you should indulge just because they say they like you. It is you that has to feel comfortableand want to be with them too. It always has to be a two way thing.
I know that at one point all I wanted was to be with someone so all a man had to do was show me some affection and I was drawn in. Now I Know to take my time and think before do... do I want this, do I trust them, do I feel safe, am I in control? If I answer no to any I dont even bother....
Its a very interesting thing though as relationships are nearly always hard after rape/abuse... another thing to deal with.

[frankgallagherwasere]

One has to ask what is the actual purpose of any relationship before one can draw conclusions, after all you need to set some objectives before you know what you want to achieve in the first place.

Does ones past effect the future? That I think goes for everyone no matter what their experiences have been, but I don't think one single factor is critical all factors contribute towards what one wants out of life.

I would totally agree with ISI in that you have to have the right conditions and environment around you first - unless your objectives to find a relationship that creates these for you. In a way your circumstances change as a relationship develops and you transform and migrate from one to the other.

But any relationship has to be built around both trust and understanding, 2 massive words as they can mean so much in reality. There are 3 actions that one undertakes to achieve them, talking, time and dare I say testing to see if they meet your expectations !!!

Everyone has different expectations as few experience and bring with them similar background into a relationship - therefore these actions are true of both parties in any relationship - the secret of how to achieve them???? well thats the million dollar question in life, but for me its TALKING !!! Talking openly honestly and truthfully so one knows where they stand and creating conditions that both parties understand and agree too - objectives and goals.

If both can do that then you are well on your way to success, assuming that both agree their goals and objectives are achievable and acceptable - there will always be some areas that don't match - so one has to find and reach a compromise.

lol me got my thinking head on and thats after about only 4 hours sleep last night.......... but yet its sunny guess thats something to cheer about - not me cos I never open the curtains and rarely do I venture outside - alien world to me full of horrible nasty and dangerously evil people.

[RFLH]

It's also a cloud on any relationship if one party doesn't pull their weight - just because one goes out to work and one stays at home, its no reason for the stay-at-home to leave the majority of the mundane jobs to be done by the worker of the couple.

Be wary also of people that obsess on things - drink, drugs, train spotting, forums or cars. You'll always come second.