3 false counts of rape

[Usernamenotfound]

I met my wife nearly 10 years ago. I had a son from a previous relationship and to my surprise she wanted to be with a guy like me. She had a bad life, she lost two brothers and was really into drink and drugs. She was successful and beautiful and I couldn’t believe she wanted to be with an average joe single dad.

The years went by and she drank more and more. We had a son together but her drinking got worse to the point she drank two bottles of wine every day every day. The drugs had stopped (with the exception of the odd concert she went to) she told me she couldn’t be at home as a stay at home mum and wanted me to raise the kids. I was more than happy to go part time. I’m not the smartest man but I have raised two boys who are quite literally top of their class.

As time went on my wife sunk into a dark depression. I dreaded seeing her, she would be drunk and verbally abuse me and my oldest son (her step son) she became cold and distant and belittled and bullied both of us daily. Myself and my oldest son were diagnosed with ADHD and she constantly belittled us infront of friends and family. Her mother and father are also alcoholics who were frequently in our lives. Life hard raising two boys and an emotional unstable wife. Last year she got more drunk than usual (3 bottles of wine) and said she didn’t love my oldest son any more... didn’t even like him. This led to an argument where she attacked me physically. At 3 stone heavier than me I did my beat to restrain her and ran off to her mums house. A coupe of weeks past and it was back to another drunken fight. Again she came at me biting and scratching my face. I again left to stay with my younger brother who lives close. He told me to leave, if not for my sake but for my older sons that he had seen her bully. I found out after I left her my older son had told his mother he was sad coming to my house because of how my wife treated him.

She would always tell me I couldn’t leave her, she made twice what I did and paid the bills. I would be nothing without her. I couldn’t leave. Mid 30s no career or qualifications I couldn’t do it. My older brother said to apologies, play the bad guy If I must but get things back on track and get her into therapy. I listened to him. Now I know I shouldn’t have.

I made a massive effort, flowers every few days, took kids away so she could sleep all day. We even tried for another kid but she couldnt stop drinking and lost it. Then came January. She hit me again for initiating sex. Nearly bit my fingers off and another fight happened. As always I simply tried to restrain her. Leaving in a panic I realised I was trying to walk about two miles in slippers and a T-shirt and went home to get clothes. Upon coming home I found her on the phone to the police. I said I was going to stay till they arrived.

When they did I was arrested for rape. I thought here was a mistake, I said to the arresting officer a mistake had been made because nothing like that happened. 13 hours in a cell with no windows, stripped naked and swabbed etc. I was questioned and released. The next interview I was arrested again for two more counts of rape, she claimed happened in her sleep and one i forced on her.

3 counts of rape.

My life is on a knives edge but as soon as I was away for her I felt there was light at the end of the tunnel. She told social services I was a great dad and asked when our youngest son could go to me. She agreed on a 50/50 split.

When I had both my boys and she was gone life was beautiful. I was so happy. Social services said they didn’t need to be involved and that was that. As soon as social services were gone her solicitor said she only wanted me to see him every other weekend and every Wednesday. I took what I could get. She accused me of being dangerous and I had to be supervised (but strangely only at night time) so I stayed with my mother when I had both kids.
She insisted my work guarantee I would be off on Saturday when I had my youngest son.
They couldn’t and I lost my job.

Covid19 hit and on day one of quarantine she said he couldn’t see me. Day two came and government advice said kids from separated parents could go between houses. Then he “got sick” and couldn’t see me. For 14 days. Time came for me to see him. I couldn’t wait. My wife often worked away but I had never in his 5 years on this earth been away for more than a single day from my boy. She moved in with her mum the day I was supposed to see him. Her mum has COPD and is over 60. As a vulnerable person they are now in isolation. He cannot see me or his brother at all.

I have lost my son for the foreseeable future with courts closed. I have 3 false counts of rape hanging over me.

I know there is light at the end of the tunnel.
If anyone can offer advise I would be very grateful. Going up against a woman much smarter than you prepared to lie and twist things is terrifying.

[Casehardened]

Hello and welcome to the forum,

This forum has been exceptionally quiet recently to the extent that I've wondered if police resources had been diverted to dealing with the pandemic so am truly sorry to read of your situation.

Accusations of marital rape are all too common, and you may find it useful to trawl through some of the threads on here to see how other cases turned out, and sadly it seems that they are often being used as a weapon, maybe to secure possession of the marital home or sole custody of the children, as seems to be the case with you (reading between the lines it seems if you are now both living apart?) A rape accusation also opens the door to free legal aid.

If an accusation of rape is made the police will have to investigate (and in the present circumstances be prepared for this to be extra lengthy) but take comfort in that discrepancies in her account will be taken into consideration and it is very rare indeed for a false accusation to result in a conviction.

This is no help for you in regard to seeing your sons as, regardless of the effects of the pandemic on court procedures, custody will not be determined until the rape accusations are disposed of. It must be a huge positive though, that social services don't wish to be involved!

[Usernamenotfound]

Hello and welcome to the forum,

This forum has been exceptionally quiet recently to the extent that I've wondered if police resources had been diverted to dealing with the pandemic so am truly sorry to read of your situation.

Accusations of marital rape are all too common, and you may find it useful to trawl through some of the threads on here to see how other cases turned out, and sadly it seems that they are often being used as a weapon, maybe to secure possession of the marital home or sole custody of the children, as seems to be the case with you (reading between the lines it seems if you are now both living apart?) A rape accusation also opens the door to free legal aid.

If an accusation of rape is made the police will have to investigate (and in the present circumstances be prepared for this to be extra lengthy) but take comfort in that discrepancies in her account will be taken into consideration and it is very rare indeed for a false accusation to result in a conviction.

This is no help for you in regard to seeing your sons as, regardless of the effects of the pandemic on court procedures, custody will not be determined until the rape accusations are disposed of. It must be a huge positive though, that social services don't wish to be involved!

Yes Police resources do seem to have been diverted. A few weeks after my arrest my solicitor called and said the arresting officer would be calling me to get details of witnesses from my side of things. He said it was likely that the officer was told he was too quick to prosecute without knowing both sides of the story. They still haven’t all been interviewed. Interviews were cancelled when the outbreak hit and the officer said he would get them done soon. It’s a bit of good news as my wife took pictures of her injuries (bruising to arms which solicitor said would be classed as defensive wounds from my) but I didn’t take pictures of my scratches and bites as I was embarrassed. Having family and friends testify to what they saw will be a big help in the case.

Yes I moved out of the marital home and am not allowed to go back. But divorce and finances can wait. Clearing my name and getting my youngest son back are top priority.

We have lodged the papers for Joint custody though as you say with the criminal charges hanging over me I don’t expect an outright win. Am prepared to take a second run at it when my name is clear. Even if I got back a few days with him ordered by a judge it would keep him in my life. His older brother with another ex partner lives with me 50/50 and seeing two brothers separated isn’t right. She is using the child as a weapon as so often happens to fathers when marriages break down.

I understand the conviction rate for marital rape is very low. The solicitor said it’s nearly impossible for a jury to find me guilty beyond reasonable doubt. It’s more the stigma that goes with such an accusation, she hadn’t been shy about telling family (including mine) and friends her horrible version of events. Even a man proven innocent will always be looked at differently as soon as the accusation is made.

With being a single dad (I get the child benefit for my older son) I was able to get legal aid as well so at least financially she can’t hurt me too badly.

Thanks for the support, my sister passed the website on to me and I’ve been reading some stories from others In the same position. I just hope by sharing what I’m going through someone might come through with solid advise. I’ve never been in court, first appearance is a month away. Nervous about that but before then I have downloaded an app so I can store all my text communication I had with her. Show there was no mention of rape between us, show she was happy to leave the country on business and leave the kids in my care. I hope going through years of texts might help me.

She claimed to have told her dad that I had raped her both occasions back in April even though he was always in my house drinking and acting like a friend. I pointed that out to police. What father hears his daughter gets raped by a man and stays friends with him. I’m hoping holes in her story will make a jury see how unbelievable it all is.

Thanks again.

[Casehardened]

I’ve never been in court, first appearance is a month away.

My apologies, I'd assumed you were still in the investigation stage, is this court appearance in relation to the rape allegation or for the custody proceedings?

[Usernamenotfound]

My apologies, I'd assumed you were still in the investigation stage, is this court appearance in relation to the rape allegation or for the custody proceedings?

No I’ve actually been charged and was due to make 1st appearance at court last month for rape but it’s been delayed. My solicitor says it will be a quick in and out while they delay to gather further evidence (talk to witnesses on my side)

Initially he didn’t even think prosecution services would take it on and was surprised it went to court. Im now due 1st appearance in May so look forward to getting that over and done with. I could hear a change in the detective who interviewed me when he called back to ask for witnesses on my side. It seemed as my solicitor thought that he got told off by a superior from charging too early without having both sides. We both had injuries but the two previous times I had stated that sex didn’t even happen and that I was attacked and left with scratches and bites. One friend has already said he saw the bites and my sister gave a written statement saying about my wives alcoholism and her bullying me and my older son in front of people. I just need him to interview the main witnesses now. The big witness would be my brother that told me to apologies, say anything I could to get her into therapy and keep my marriage together. It looks bad that after one incident I was the one apologising and knowing I was advised to by my brother will be a big thing for the case.

Paperwork for custody is only getting sent away now so no idea how long that will take. I’m writing HMU youngest son a letter (well a drawing with a words as he is very young) to stay in his life in some form.

My wife is very well off so I know divorce will help me financially but I couldn’t fight to clear my name, fight a custody battle and go through divorce at once. Just don’t think I could deal with more on my plate now. Friends tell me I should push for divorce and show her that she has something to lose but I don’t want to come across nasty. She owns her mothers house outright and was always told if we divorce I would be entitled to a chunk of it. When we separated I didn’t want anything I wasn’t due and didn’t consider it fair to ask for money from that property, friends say even a letter asking to talk finances might make her rethink the charges, though I suppose it could look to a jury like blackmail.... very confused how to handle that but my head says just concentrate on clearing my name and getting my son back and finances/divorce and wait.

What do you think? Any experience in this?

Thanks for the replies. It’s been good to be on here and see people have made it through the other side.

[Casehardened]

It's been quite a while since a forum member has been charged, hence my assuming you were on the way to getting a NFA!

Your first appearance will be in the Magistrates, this is a formality as doubtless your solicitor has advised, but what happens then will be interesting as new jury trials have been suspended for the time being; I guess the MOJ are still working on this one; however it may give you more time to research your defence.

It's possible that if the police do get round to interviewing your witnesses that the CPS may drop the case but you can't rely on this (hope for the best but prepare for the worst!) however please discuss with your solicitor the advisability of using them as defence witnesses and getting defence statements from them. These will have to be submitted to the prosecution if a trial is scheduled but again, if they show that your wife had made untruthful statements, they may decide to pull out before the trial actually starts.

I would advise against direct contact with your wife atm, if you need to discuss anything best to do this via your solicitor.

Understandably most of the folks who have been NFA'd, charged, or acquitted have moved on with their lives and no longer visit the forum so you may not get any direct advice on coping with the trial, however there is lots of relevant information 'somewhere' on here; i.e. in the stickies in the 'Useful Information' section of the forum are a few posts on coping with cross-examination:

http://www.daftmoo.org.uk/mooforum/s...as-a-Defendant

and

http://www.daftmoo.org.uk/mooforum/s...xpect-at-Trial

[Usernamenotfound]

It's been quite a while since a forum member has been charged, hence my assuming you were on the way to getting a NFA!

Your first appearance will be in the Magistrates, this is a formality as doubtless your solicitor has advised, but what happens then will be interesting as new jury trials have been suspended for the time being; I guess the MOJ are still working on this one; however it may give you more time to research your defence.

It's possible that if the police do get round to interviewing your witnesses that the CPS may drop the case but you can't rely on this (hope for the best but prepare for the worst!) however please discuss with your solicitor the advisability of using them as defence witnesses and getting defence statements from them. These will have to be submitted to the prosecution if a trial is scheduled but again, if they show that your wife had made untruthful statements, they may decide to pull out before the trial actually starts.

I would advise against direct contact with your wife atm, if you need to discuss anything best to do this via your solicitor.

Understandably most of the folks who have been NFA'd, charged, or acquitted have moved on with their lives and no longer visit the forum so you may not get any direct advice on coping with the trial, however there is lots of relevant information 'somewhere' on here; i.e. in the stickies in the 'Useful Information' section of the forum are a few posts on coping with cross-examination:

http://www.daftmoo.org.uk/mooforum/s...as-a-Defendant

and

http://www.daftmoo.org.uk/mooforum/s...xpect-at-Trial

Thanks for that. Yeah I’m hoping my family giving evidence will drop some of the charges or possibly make the cps not take the case. I’m sure I’ll find out in due course. I thought the CPS were taking the case because it is scheduled for trial. Maybe miss understood but again it seems a strange case as the detectives were willing to charge me before collecting evidence on my side.

My solicitor has said that no Jury can convict someone beyond reasonable doubt when it is a married couple behind closed doors and only the two of us know what really happened. There is no way to really prove who is telling the truth (which is sort of scary for me knowing she will stick to a lie if it comes to a trail) She told police that I was a supportive husband and a great dad where as I have told them she was a bullying alcoholic full of hate which my family will testify to. I’m hoping they will at least have some doubt when they hear what sort of person she was and that her story has changed from first and second interview.

I was curious to know if my solicitor would get all the evidence or at what point we see her statement etc.. I was read her statements at second interview. What about photos my my injuries? Police had a photographer take pictures of my injuries but I’m curious as to wether the solicitor or myself gets a copy?

Thanks again mate, great having someone like yourself to help.

I’m sure courts really have to work stuff out with this outbreak. I can’t see how a jury can sit together or meet to discuss verdict with social distancing so I’m expecting the “could take a year” was optimistic.

[Casehardened]

My understanding is that the police will always investigate rape allegations on the basis of a statement from the complainant if they think that there is a likelihood the incident could have occurred. The easiest way to do this is to arrest/interview the alleged perpetrator (the usual reason for arrest rather than voluntary interview is to preserve evidence (Phone, PC, clothing, bedding, depending on the nature of the allegation) and to be able to collect DNA if this is considered necessary.

If the interviewee doesn't have a cast-iron alibi so that there still is a possibility that the allegation could have occurred, then the investigating officer may seek advice from the CPS as whether to carry on with the investigation or to charge. This is where the delays often creep in. The CPS are only supposed to go for a charge if they think there is more than a 51% likelihood of winning the case but, as always, it's down to an individual's opinion and they can also direct the police to look for further corroborating evidence if they think it doesn't meet this threshold.

My feelings towards the police are fairly benevolent as I was treated very well, it probably helped that my OIC's previous case involved a complainant proven to have lied, but at the end of the day their job is to get you convicted, hence the detective not being over-enthusiastic in digging up evidence to prove your innocence.

You have a vested interest in this, hence it is usually suggested you write a timeline with everything you can think of that will disprove her accusations, show it to your solicitor who should use this to work up a defence. I've always maintained that the accused is in the best position to determine the defence, the solicitor to decide what is relevant and admissible, and the barrister to present the finished article in court. Any problems are usually down to the accused leaving everything to their legal team, who of course may have several clients on the go at the same time.

The exchanges of your defence statement and the prosecution case should ideally take place well before the trial (the proper one not the Mags) but from anecdotal postings on the forum the CPS* are often late with this, presumably due to their workload.

I hope this isn't too detailed or pessimistic but I like to work on the basis of 'Know thy Enemy'!

[Ibrah99]

Sorry to hear of this

I met my wife nearly 10 years ago. I had a son from a previous relationship and to my surprise she wanted to be with a guy like me. She had a bad life, she lost two brothers and was really into drink and drugs. She was successful and beautiful and I couldn’t believe she wanted to be with an average joe single dad.

The years went by and she drank more and more. We had a son together but her drinking got worse to the point she drank two bottles of wine every day every day. The drugs had stopped (with the exception of the odd concert she went to) she told me she couldn’t be at home as a stay at home mum and wanted me to raise the kids. I was more than happy to go part time. I’m not the smartest man but I have raised two boys who are quite literally top of their class.

As time went on my wife sunk into a dark depression. I dreaded seeing her, she would be drunk and verbally abuse me and my oldest son (her step son) she became cold and distant and belittled and bullied both of us daily. Myself and my oldest son were diagnosed with ADHD and she constantly belittled us infront of friends and family. Her mother and father are also alcoholics who were frequently in our lives. Life hard raising two boys and an emotional unstable wife. Last year she got more drunk than usual (3 bottles of wine) and said she didn’t love my oldest son any more... didn’t even like him. This led to an argument where she attacked me physically. At 3 stone heavier than me I did my beat to restrain her and ran off to her mums house. A coupe of weeks past and it was back to another drunken fight. Again she came at me biting and scratching my face. I again left to stay with my younger brother who lives close. He told me to leave, if not for my sake but for my older sons that he had seen her bully. I found out after I left her my older son had told his mother he was sad coming to my house because of how my wife treated him.

She would always tell me I couldn’t leave her, she made twice what I did and paid the bills. I would be nothing without her. I couldn’t leave. Mid 30s no career or qualifications I couldn’t do it. My older brother said to apologies, play the bad guy If I must but get things back on track and get her into therapy. I listened to him. Now I know I shouldn’t have.

I made a massive effort, flowers every few days, took kids away so she could sleep all day. We even tried for another kid but she couldnt stop drinking and lost it. Then came January. She hit me again for initiating sex. Nearly bit my fingers off and another fight happened. As always I simply tried to restrain her. Leaving in a panic I realised I was trying to walk about two miles in slippers and a T-shirt and went home to get clothes. Upon coming home I found her on the phone to the police. I said I was going to stay till they arrived.

When they did I was arrested for rape. I thought here was a mistake, I said to the arresting officer a mistake had been made because nothing like that happened. 13 hours in a cell with no windows, stripped naked and swabbed etc. I was questioned and released. The next interview I was arrested again for two more counts of rape, she claimed happened in her sleep and one i forced on her.

3 counts of rape.

My life is on a knives edge but as soon as I was away for her I felt there was light at the end of the tunnel. She told social services I was a great dad and asked when our youngest son could go to me. She agreed on a 50/50 split.

When I had both my boys and she was gone life was beautiful. I was so happy. Social services said they didn’t need to be involved and that was that. As soon as social services were gone her solicitor said she only wanted me to see him every other weekend and every Wednesday. I took what I could get. She accused me of being dangerous and I had to be supervised (but strangely only at night time) so I stayed with my mother when I had both kids.
She insisted my work guarantee I would be off on Saturday when I had my youngest son.
They couldn’t and I lost my job.

Covid19 hit and on day one of quarantine she said he couldn’t see me. Day two came and government advice said kids from separated parents could go between houses. Then he “got sick” and couldn’t see me. For 14 days. Time came for me to see him. I couldn’t wait. My wife often worked away but I had never in his 5 years on this earth been away for more than a single day from my boy. She moved in with her mum the day I was supposed to see him. Her mum has COPD and is over 60. As a vulnerable person they are now in isolation. He cannot see me or his brother at all.

I have lost my son for the foreseeable future with courts closed. I have 3 false counts of rape hanging over me.

I know there is light at the end of the tunnel.
If anyone can offer advise I would be very grateful. Going up against a woman much smarter than you prepared to lie and twist things is terrifying.

Dude,
I so know what it's like to be accused irrespective of their part and the context of what was going on. It can feel like an emotional sentence alone. What you believe about yourself is the most important thing, not what she or society believes. I'm not much of an expert on this stuff but considering her state in life and what's been been going on on her side of life, I mean she doesn't exactly have the most convincing case for premeditated unconsensual activity and one can very much look at her fault and definitely what she is at fault with.

You will get through this but please reach out for mental health support as much as possible and you will get through this!