Male rape - accused yet FA keeps trying to get in touch.

[Accused200]

[Moderators, please amend/delete if too much detail]

So, my story begins in December 2019. I’m a volunteer youth worker and a professional that works in education. That day in December was a significant day, as it was the day my mum passed away suddenly after a very short illness.
On that same day it was alleged that ‘at some unknown date and time in the past 6-9 months I raped my housemate’s friend’… and so I joined the world of many people who brilliantly support one another in this forum. Anxious, stomach in knots…a funeral to plan and contend with…suspension from work and the new job I was due to start in January 2020 withdrawing the offer until the matter is resolved.

I received a call the next day from the police who said they would be investigating the allegation and would be in touch. I went immediately to see a solicitor – seems to know his stuff and has been a strength so far.

I met the police on 30th December as a volunteer accompanied by the solicitor. On his advice gave them the full details.

So…the bland details (following the advice not to post too much). I would welcome your thoughts and advice on where this could go….since the FA has been to my house a number of times since the allegation and has tried to make contact with me since giving his statement to the police; most recently New Year’s Eve.

The FA is 19 years old, gay/bi and is a friend of a tenant I have in my house. Tenant is 20 and is openly gay. I’m in my forties and am straight (until recently in a long-term evidence-able sexual relationship with a female). FA has sought my advice about housing, job applications and general life advice. He has strained relationships with his family and has sofa-surfed for some time.

I have placed the night of the allegation to April 2019 (the police didn’t have a date from his statement). I was going to the gym with my friend and the FA asked if he could come. My friend dropped out we went to the gym and I took him back to his house. He claims he came back to my house, where I got him drunk and raped him. My tenant was in the house on that night and can confirm I came home alone and went to bed that night.
Since April, the FA has been in an on-off sexual relationship with my tenant and on at least 5 occasions has visited for drinks and then stayed the night with my tenant, in his bed. On all occasions my house mate was present in the house. I had a couple of drinks, said good night and left them to it.

The relationship between my FA and tenant broke down in September 2019 and they no longer speak. FA has continued to harass my tenant, multiple missed calls, messages etc. All messages kept, and lodged with my solicitor.
On a couple of occasions, most recently October 2019, I have helped the FA with advice on housing and answered his telephone calls when things are going wrong for him related to his family.
Across November 2019 I have over 15 missed calls from him, Facebook messages asking for help, begging me to take his calls etc. He would send pictures of himself drinking etc all very much attention seeking. All messages and calls logged with my solicitor.

Then came the allegation on the day my mum died (he knew she was critically ill) and my world fell apart for multiple reasons.

The FA had given a video statement to the police on Christmas Eve it seems; yet I had 3 missed calls on Christmas Day (evidenced to the police) and a message saying Happy New Year on NYE with a thumbs up some hours later.

I’ve passed all of this information to the police who were generally supportive though pushed me on why I continued to help this young adult, they insinuated that I had an ulterior motive or at least it felt like that.
So, police took my phone and I’ve now heard nothing for a week.They said they’d keep it for 3-4 days and that they would talk to my tenant in that time frame (they haven’t so far).

Reading this, what are your thoughts on the FA alleging I raped him in April; yet has visited my house in May, June, August, September and October and has been in regular (almost pestering touch) since? What about him getting in touch on Christmas Day and New Years Eve after giving a statement. It just makes no sense to me at all.

Things that bother me…It’s my word against his. I can’t ‘prove’ I took him home that night.


Meanwhile, I’m in limbo. No job as a result currently, churned, anxious, physically sick, lost weight etc etc as I read on here is the norm. Trying very hard with amazing friends to keep busy. [B]Your thoughts, advice and suggestions would be very welcome.

[Peter1975]

Welcome to DM accused200, although I am sorry to hear of what you have been going through, my condolences on the loss of your mother.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things, keeping evidence and working closely with your solicitor and most importantly have some local support.

Unless I have missed something, it reads to me like you were supportive to a troubled young man but cut him off after his relationship with your tenant ended and the stalking behaviour began.. seems like a reason for him to lash out and make a FA. Perhaps he saw you as something of a father figure and then felt abandoned, who knows.

It's not quite your word against his, you might not be able to prove that you took him home but unless going to the gym with the FA was more than a one off, your tenant can verify that you came home alone that night.

If you have been reading here then you will hopefully have seen that the vast majority of these cases go nowhere and I would expect that this will be NFA'd but unfortunately I can't guarantee that and the police seem to work at a snail's pace a lot of the time so just try and hang in there in the meantime and be kind to yourself.

[Accused200]

Another twist...

Thanks so much for the reply. In a twist, the FA has hounded a friend of mine today (lots of messages and missed calls). When eventually the friend answered the FA asked after my well-being (!) and went on to explain that he’s in trouble with the police as he himself has been accused of rape and has various family issues going on.

I’ve asked my friend to contact my solicitor as the FA could be goading a response from me or simply seeking attention.

Meanwhile; I read lots and churn lots. Never felt like anxious like this. It’s like my whole life is coming into question.

Keeping busy. Supporting my widowed father.

Thanks so much.

[Franticwithworry]

Hello Accused200. I'm so sorry that you need us but glad you found us. I won't repeat any of the advice that I'm sure you've found while browsing, but just wanted to say that it doesn't sound as though your FA is doing themselves any favours at all. It may be a long wait, but I hope that it's sooner rather than later that this accusation is sen for what it clearly is.

Hang in there.

[Accused200]

Update...

So - 10th January my house mate was interviewed by the police...all good. On the solicitor's advice he recorded the interview from his pocket. Same day, the OIC rang me and said 'he had a few further questions for my FA though they were having some trouble tracking him down...'. He went on to say, "hopefully we should have it all wrapped up by the end of next week (17th). I know this is having a big impact on you at the moment; I don't think you've got too much to worry about however at this stage".

I breathed that weekend and slept for the first time in weeks.

However, no word on the 17th...none on 24th or 31st. In fact I've heard nothing. My solicitor has chased weekly and has also had no response at all. LADO has also chased on 17th January and not had a response from the OIC.

My head is in overdrive, always fearing the worst as I know many others do too. Why the delay...is there something else?

Would I be told if there was something else?
Does someone from the CPS need to do something?

Awful.

[Peter1975]

I would suspect they are still having trouble tracking down the FA.

It's natural for your mind to go into overdrive but please try and relax and take your mind off things as much as possible. Worrying unduly won't change anything.

Try to keep cool. I'm sure you'll hear something soon enough.

[Casehardened]

I seem to have missed your post the first time around but agree with all of Peter's & Frantic's wise words.

Almost certainly what is happening is that the OIC has got lots of current cases on the go and he's juggling plates so to speak and has given you a quick (very positive!) update and then forgotten all about you.

As you can presently think of nothing else it's only natural to think that the police and CPS are similarly engaged; whereas in reality they are using their limited resources on the cases that are likely to be successful for them!

[Franticwithworry]

There is much to be said for the old adage 'no news is good news', especially when the OIC has told you they planned to have it wrapped up soon. It's unlikely that there's anything more to add, so as Casehardened says, it's much more likely that this case is low on their priorities and they just haven't go to 'wrapping it up' yet. I know that that doesn't help you and your mental health, but keeping busy is the key, it really is.

Hang in there and stay as cool as you can.

[Accused200]

Hi - its been a while since I last posted here. The Police NFA'd the allegation in March after 3 long months. That was a huge relief.

However, some aspects of the nightmare have lived on. Professionals in this field seem hell-bent on finding something to justify their efforts.

My previous employer, based on a 40 minute phone interview decided that I 'may or may not' have acted in 'naively' and somehow concluded that I 'may or may not have' presented a risk to my housemate's friend. Based on zero evidence. They referred the matter to the DBS which led to another awful 3 months of worry. DBS concluded 'No Action' and confirmed there was no evidence of any risk. So now the voluntary youth organisation wish to undertake an internal investigation (started on 2nd April). They concluded on 2nd July and agreed to full reinstatement. The local LADO expressed surprise at that and had a 'gut feeling' that I shouldn't be reinstated. Now the LADO has not replied for the last two weeks to allow the voluntary youth organisation to conclude.

So - no further action, no case to answer, no action and likely no action but ongoing, protracted nonsense where decision making is pathetically slow. Obviously COVID-19 hasn't helped either. Outcome is my new employer (a large governmental organisation) have been unable to allow me to start work while any investigation is ongoing. Hopefully, the voluntary organisation will conclude sometime this month and I then start to rebuild....A hell of a year!

I felt I'd like to update this forum as it was a huge source of comfort and support in the early days whilst the police investigation was ongoing. Thanks for all of your ongoing support.

[Casehardened]

Great to hear of such a positive outcome (NFA) but you are finding that your life hasn't 'rebooted' back to 'factory reset' to borrow computer jargon; sadly this seems is the norm for these sort of accusations,

Even if your work situation was ok, you would wary of the same situation arising again, however time does heal.....

Pleased to be able to try out the recently reinstalled bananas.....

[Franticwithworry]

thank you so very much for updating the forum and I'm delighted to hear the news of your NFA. Unfortunately, no-one's life goes back to how it was, and it can be painfully slow for all the loose ends of the investigation and its potential repercussions to be tied up. 'The balance of probabilites' is a phrase too many organisations hide behind in an effort to cover themselves, to the detriment of so many.

Very best wishes for the future and I'm delighted to break out the customary bananas.

[MSmith84]

The worst thing that nothing happens to people who falsely accuse innocent people and later we have these horrible situations. I wouldn't do that to the worst enemy. I hope you're doing better and things will slowly go back to what they used to be