Announcement

**Franticwithworry** · 16 December 2019, 02:53 PM

Hi Scaredandalone. I'm sorry you've had to find us here. Please, first of all breathe. Just breathe.

In the first shock of this kind of thing happening, nothing much helps, but if you can, let the panic wash over you. It will get better and you will feel calmer, I promise. It's one of the few things I can promise. :-)

To cover your last points first - you are very unlikely to be arrested. By far the majority of people accused are asked to attend a voluntary interview and are released under investigation (RUI). There's nothing to say for certain that the girl has actually made a statement yet and it sounds as though she is just trying to 'put the wind up you', which understandably, she has done very successfully. It goes a very long way in your favour that you have a friend who is willing and able to corroborate your version of events, and honestly, there is every chance that this will come to nothing. I've heard lately of someone going to attend a voluntary interview and being told that things will go no further before he left the station. It does happen.

So, please be reassured that this all may come to nothing and the statistics are in your favour.

That said, in case the police contact you, remember the following - 1) a voluntary interview is exactly that, voluntary, and you do not have to jump to a police officer's call. It can be a date and time of your choosing. Also, the police will tell you that 'it's just a chat'. It's not, it's serious so sort yourself some legal representation beforehand. Preferably a sexual allegation specialist. Advice at a police station is always free, you can contact a few to make a choice and tell them exactly what you've said here - and more if they ask of course. Be absolutely sure that you don't attend a police station on your own. There's a thread on here with recommendations, or you can come back and ask.

2) You're not alone. There are hundreds if not thousands of men and boys (and some women) going through this at any given time. There are support groups on Facebook and other helplines to help you through it. Come back here for some recommendations if you need them.

3) The shock is equivalent to a physical brain trauma. It affects some people more than others and if you need mental health help don't be afraid to see your GP. If you don't get a sympathetic response from the first one you see, try another in the practice, but you'll be surprised how often they get contacted about things like this and many are wonderfully helpful.

4) If you can, talk to a friend in real life. Forums are great but real life support is invaluable.

Hang in there. Many have gone through this and are going through this, and though this forum is on the quiet side, it is anonymous and there's support here for as long as you need it.

**Scaredandalone** · 16 December 2019, 03:37 PM

Thank you for such a detailed, kind and considered post.

My friend has just sent me some screenshots from my false accuser to my friend saying how she went the cinema last night and is in work today and is completely normal like nothing happened (which it didn’t) and here I am frantic with worry and off work as a result. The screenshots also said that she had “made a statement saying she stands behind everything she said but doesn’t want it investigated for her own well-being”....

Now I don’t understand this one bit! While obviously relieved this lie will go no further...how is that a thing? Surely if someone was assaulted the police would pursue it no matter what!

This just stinks of her making up a lie in panic when her boyfriend came home the next day (I didn’t know she had one, again my friend told me) and found my jumper I’d accidentally left behind and it’s just not right

**Franticwithworry** · 16 December 2019, 08:18 PM

She has a boyfriend and you left your jumper behind and now she's making an accusation? Wow! Yes, it stinks, reeks and has all the hallmarks of being a panic accusation. It happens much more than people think, and I'm so sorry that you're dealing with it.

The police are unlikely to investigate an allegation if they don't have a 'victim' willing to go through with it. You'd be surprised how often they don't prosecute assaults either, but that's another story. Her saying that she stands by her story but doesn't want to go further for her own well-being also reeks of back-tracking and trying to wriggle out of a lie she now just wants to pretend hasn't happened.

I hope that you can relax a little now.

Please don't make the mistake of approaching the police yourself to ask what is happening. No news is good news and you don't want to rake up anything that is best left alone. Keep the screenshots, whatever you do. Download them to a computer if you can for safekeeping, just in case she changes her mind. (I'm not trying to worry you but trying to make sure that you keep all the evidence for ever. :-)) I always work on a version of Sod's Law, which is that the more you prepare for something the less likely it is to happen.

So, I hope you'll be back at work tomorrow, feeling lighter and less panicked and that by this time next week you'll be feeling as though it never happened. Have as wonderful a Christmas as you can, if you celebrate it, and know that if you have any wobbles at all with this, we are still here with all the advice and support we can muster.

**Scaredandalone** · 16 December 2019, 08:48 PM

There should be repercussions for this type of thing. I was going out of my mind having some really dark and scary thoughts and have never had anything like that before....I dread to think of what might of happened if was someone who has/does struggle with mental health issues.

After reading many, many threads where you have offered advice, I have on my computer all the screenshots, a 3 page word document with every possible detail about the night on it, as well as a 5 page one from my friend, which includes a bit more detail about her friend (this “statement” from her she signed and we scanned in, just incase this comes up in years to come and we lose touch/she forgets).

I just want to say after scouring these forums you really are a great person, and I wish that every person unfortunate enough to come across anything like this....finds their way to you. I hope in your day to say life you are appreciated, and you work in a capacity that allows you to help people aswell as you do here.

Hopefully the shock and panic I am still feeling will subside in time for me to enjoy Christmas and in the new year I am definitely going to make next years volunteering focus be something that can help the people the way you have helped me in what’s felt like my biggest hour of need.

A very sincere thank you

**Franticwithworry** · 16 December 2019, 09:21 PM

There should be, but there isn't, sadly. There are barely any repercussions even if the accusations cause loss of home, job, spouse, children family etc etc.

But let's not go there. Your experience is going to be so much better. :-)

Thank you so very much for your kind words. I'm so pleased that my tappings at my computer are of some help, especially, today, to you.

I can say with confidence that I am appreciated. My husband was falsely accused, spent several years on bail, and thanks me every day, even now, for my love, support and hard work in helping him get through it. Of course, I will tell anyone who needs to know that he deserved every second of my love and attention. I will never forget, among many other things, my absolute white-hot rage when the police officer who arrested him told me that if he was innocent that he had nothing to worry about. We were naive in those days, but even then we knew that that was not the case, that the system would happily see him convicted, wrongfully or otherwise, if they could.

I am retired now, so have more time on my hands and am presently working on ways to become more visible in the effort to get some much-needed changes in our justice system. Enjoy Christmas and the New Year, and if, after that, you still feel that you would like to volunteer in some way, (some people just want to get on with their lives as if nothing happened and I fully understand that), know that even under the darkest cloud there can be a silver lining and that something good may have come out of this horrible experience for you.

I wish you well and you are most welcome to all the help and advice that I and the forum can muster.

PS. There are others on the forum who are just as kind and helpful as you found me; others even more knowledgeable. But I found you first. :-)

Announcement

Strange situation

Strange situation

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment