Should I be concerned? Is this considered legally sane?

[Pink_Badger]

Hi everyone, thank you for giving advice here, it's been very helpful to ready other people's message

I'll try to make it as short as possible in chronological order:

• Basically, I met a girl in our university's facebook group a couple of months before 2016 term 1 starts in September - we both commented on a post and started chatting.
• We kept chatting for a bit and we finally met once the term started later in September. We went out and met a few times and it all appeared fine.
• At some point we got pretty drunk and she slept at my place, and we had sex. We were both pretty drunk, but it was consensual. This was the only time we had sex.
• After this everything still seems fine: we keep texting and she even asked me if she could come sleep at my place at some point in the middle of the night but I was already sleeping.
• In her texts she increasingly seem in need for attention, sharing screenshots of conversations with other guys, etc... I found that weird and started to try get some distance from her.
• At some point it got too bad and I just told her something like "you're not my girlfriend and I'm not ready for a relationship now", politely asking her to get away from my life.
• We had some discussions, she got mad and then apologised saying we could just be friends.
• Few weeks later, she asks me if we used a condom on that night, to which I replied yes. She didn't accuse me of anything at this point. This was all before the end of 2016.

• Suddenly in January 2018 she texts me saying that what I did that night was wrong, that she couldn't really remember what happened and that I abused her on that night.
• My instant reaction was "WTF"? I got pretty pissed with her but after discussing it a bit I decided to act like "she's a bit crazy, let's just calm her down"
• I apologised because we were both drunk but emphasised that at no point she demonstrated contrary to the act and I said I meant no harm to her.

• She seemed to have accepted it and I didn't hear anything from her until today, May 2019, almost three years later.
• She texted me today asking whether I changed my mind about what happened that night, because she is sure she didn't consent and that I was forceful.
• She said that she doesn't have enough evidence to go to court, but given her levels of insanity I wouldn't be so sure.
• She claims the only goal of her texts now is "to make sure it doesn't happen to other girls". I don't know what's up with her... What should I do?

That's the story, and I didn't get back to her so far.
From what it seems to me she is pretty unstable and emotionally fragile and is using me as some kind of relief for whatever problems she has...


My question is: what should I do now?

I contacted a false accusation helpline today and they told me to ignore her. I think this might be a good idea, but given that this issue has been going on for some time I am not sure whether she will forget about it or cause even more trouble in the future...

Should I be worried about this?
Would she have any reason to go to the police for this?
How does the legality of said circumstances work?
In case she does go to the police, what should I do?
Should I get a lawyer before speaking to anyone?
Are the messages enough to prove she's crazy?

By the way, I got records of texts and screenshots describing all of the above.

Thank you very much for your help, it's very much appreciated!

[Peter1975]

Hello and welcome to DM, although I’m sorry as always that you find yourself here.

I am presuming that you have had some telephone advice from faso and I would agree, ignore her.

It’s not impossible that she could go to the police with this and they would then be duty bound to investigate but if she does, I wouldn’t expect this to go beyond a voluntary interview

Make sure that you keep all of those messages in a safe place as they are important evidence that undermines her account - and I mean keep them and any other evidence forever just in case.

There is a general misunderstanding around the law and consent - drunken consent is still consent , what matters is that the defendant has a reasonable belief in consent - and any prosecution first has to prove that there was no consent.

It won’t hurt for you to speak to a good solicitor, some are listed in the useful information section here - if nothing else, it will give you peace of mind to know who you will call should the need arise. It’s very unlikely you will be arrested these days with voluntary interviews being the norm. Never speak to the police without legal advice present.

Overall, I would urge you not to worry about this too much and get on with your life.

Daft moo is one of the oldest forums on the internet and a good place to research further

[Pink_Badger]

Hi Peter, thanks for your advice!

It's encouraging to hear I shouldn't worry about it indeed

I read all of the messages over again and she does indeed seem pretty crazy - in the last messages she sent in 2016 she apologised for her behaviour and then said she just wanted to make sure we're in good terms in the future. No communication happened in about a year, and in 2018, shortly before she texted me accusing of some kind of harassment, she sent me a 2 minutes video apologising again. Then she texted me all of that **** as I mentioned before... and then again today.

I think I'll speak to a lawyer indeed just in case.

Anyone else had a similar case or has something to add?
Thanks!

[Peter1975]

Hi Peter, thanks for your advice!

It's encouraging to hear I shouldn't worry about it indeed

I think I'll speak to a lawyer indeed just in case.

Anyone else had a similar case or has something to add?
Thanks!

You are welcome. 🙂

If you search the forum you will find many stories, the majority with a happy outcome.

Worrying is natural but it is always best to take things one stage at a time and as there is no police involvement, there really is no point in stressing too much

Other standard advice given here is to make a brief timeline of events as you have already done above, the better that a lawyer can quickly grasp the facts - good work.

If it’s possible, stalking social media can sometimes be helpful, take screenshots, preferably with a date and time and keep them safe. - there can be a tricky choice here between blocking someone that is harassing you and gathering evidence that may help - trusted third parties might be able to keep an eye for you.

[298]

Good advice

Hi

I am sure others would have commented had Peters advice not been so comprehensive to such a high standard.

Do not ever reply to any contact from her, thats absolutely nothing keep messages and politley hang up if she calls.

I cant emphasis how important it is to keep all messages and communications however irrelevant, you have no idea how much one of them could matter!
Thats not just 'do not delete them' - make copies, store them in different places so they cant get deleted by accident.

Talk to a solicitor, pick one who specilises, but remember they are expensive and give legal advice not emotional support.
The reasons to do this are primarily for your own mental health & so you can be prepared for if she does accuse you - It is unlikely that she will.

From the sound of it there is good strong evidence that what happened was 100% consensual and any accusation would be thrown out.

But protect yourself, she is also bonkers!

[Pink_Badger]

Hi

I am sure others would have commented had Peters advice not been so comprehensive to such a high standard.

Do not ever reply to any contact from her, thats absolutely nothing keep messages and politley hang up if she calls.

I cant emphasis how important it is to keep all messages and communications however irrelevant, you have no idea how much one of them could matter!
Thats not just 'do not delete them' - make copies, store them in different places so they cant get deleted by accident.

Talk to a solicitor, pick one who specilises, but remember they are expensive and give legal advice not emotional support.
The reasons to do this are primarily for your own mental health & so you can be prepared for if she does accuse you - It is unlikely that she will.

From the sound of it there is good strong evidence that what happened was 100% consensual and any accusation would be thrown out.

But protect yourself, she is also bonkers!

Indeed, thanks again for your advice, Peter, and thank you too, 298!

I'll speak to a solicitor this week. I know I shouldn't but I've been worrying about it a bit - it sucks to feel like there's something beyond my control... maybe a solicitor will give me some peace of mind.

I saved all evidence in multiple places already, thanks for the tip.



The only thing that's keeping me sane now is knowing about this law that recently came up - apparently she would have to hand in her phone to make a complaint.

Does anyone know anything related to this?

Surely if she hands in her phone the police would realise she's bonkers? Would they drop the case just based on that or would I likely be invited for an interview anyway?

An in case she deleted her messages from her device, is this interfering with justice somehow?

Thanks!

[298]

That law!

'That law' on mobiles is a process not a law in itself.

The law on access to evidence always existed and is much stronger than the process thats getting the publicity at the moment!

Its also why you need to keep evidence of communications - which electronically log both sides of the conversation - this is good for you as you have the communication records irrespective of if she hands over phones etc

What you will not have access to is her communications to others on the subject at the time this isn't perfect, but by the sound of it what you have is good evidence and this isn't a factor.

But they will see the communication chain and you can via a solicitor point them to the relevant bits that show up any fibs.

The will then decide if to seize her IT or not.

If you are arrested and its a very very very big IF they will seize all the IT equipment in your home irrespective of who it belongs to so don't expect to have any access via an existing home pc pad or phone.

The cloud is your friend!

You will be able to show that she is attempting to pervert the course of justice

[Pink_Badger]

Thanks for the response, 298.

I have indeed kept the files in multiple virtual locations as well, thanks again for the advice.


About this process that you mentioned, does that mean it is standard procedure for the police now to collect alleged victim's devices before proceeding investigations?

I need to add that shortly before she suggested I "abused" her for the first time she sent a video apologising and explaining that she actually had a boyfriend, and that they broke up their relationship because of us, and that he was the love of her life, etc... and that's why she got mad at me in the first place.

On the same day she started the whole discussion by saying I had been disrespectful with her, then claiming she didn't remember what happened on that night. I described to her what happened then to the best of my memories as I said above, you know the rest. I don't know what's up with her...

I feel like she regrets doing it (because she lost her boyfriend) and convinced herself that it was my fault, now accusing me of this absurdity... it's crazy how she seems to have twisted her mind!


I'm sorry I'm not following the "don't worry too much" advice very well, I'm just afraid I might get a letter or a knock from the police at any time now, and I really don't wanna go through the whole process... just trying to understand the chances of having such... If any sane police officer sees our conversation they probably would see what's going on, but would they do that before questioning me?


Thanks for any advice

[298]

The process has bias - they take statements from the victim then arrest the accused - collecting evidence (including the IT) first.
I would not bank on them looking at the victims IT first, they will only consider that when they have reason to doubt the statement they gave.

It would be daft of me to comment as I have no idea what is in the videos texts and emails between you - but from what you have said there is good evidence that she changed her mind after then event and that the relationship was fully consensual.

But as you have pointed out she is at best a 'mixed up kid' and your evidence however strong will not stop her accusing you, then the police will be obliged to investigate, however unlikely the chance of a conviction will be.

Consider her unpredictable and set your shop in order. Once ready take comfort in knowing your ready.

If you have the money talk to a solicitor who can look at the evidence in confidence and advise - this is not needed until something happens, but will help you minimise any worries!

Oh and she is not a 'victim' she is an 'accuser' ....

[Pink_Badger]

Thanks again 298,

I am feeling a bit better now understanding the whole situation. I'm considering her unpredictable as you said and I'm preparing myself for such.

I'm trying not too worry too much, however difficult it is, and I have thank you all in this forum again - it's very comforting knowing there are people here to speak to and who understand what I'm going through should anything happen