Feeling like cr*p

[Chrisb]

Ive posted this on another site, but not sure who is a member:

Im in a bit of a state today. Had a really good few days last week and yesterday the haunting came back. Im so angry and its not fair. I watched a film last night which was about some IRA suspects falsely accussed, forced to a false confession and Jailed. Im petrified of going to jail no one believe im innocent there im sure and to think of the fact that i may have to spend time with people that did makes me so sad. I was abused as a child and to think I will have to see evil bas*tards like that is more than a kick in the teeth. If i do go to jail and I dont admitt a crime that I didnt do I will be forced to do the whole jail term I bet. You know there is only a certain amount of stress that someone can take and Im wondering when Im going to reach that stage because today it seems to be getting closer and closer. Sorry to sound so down but I just need to get this off my chest.

[lemming]

I know exactly how you feel. when the world opens up above you, shows you just how big and bad and unfair it is and then just sh*ts on you. it might feel like an overwhelming feeling of clarity, that you've just somehow been pretending things ain't that bad but now you realise how stupid you've been and what your life will be like for now on? and no-one else, with the best will in the world, can help you - cos events are just steamrolling verrrryyyy slloowwwwwwwwlly regardless of you.

or something like that? hard to put the feelings into words. but the feeling passes, not easily or without resistance, but it passes - and promises to return another time. i couldn't find an answer to it other than to ride it through, i'm afraid. and then crack on and do the washing-up/pay the bills etc cos that's what sensible functioning people do.

so ride it through, it's the only option. and then a day or a week or a year after - you'll realise how paranoid and foolish you were, and you'll be glad that you were paranoid and foolish because it reminds you you're human and fallible.

sorry if this doesn't help you greatly. platitudes and soothing noises won't help either. but feeling like cr*p and being worried about this b*ll*xs is normal and if you hadn't watched the film then it would have been something else that made you think about it. paranoia is sanity, but it's a drain on your energy...

the feelings you had today are not true, they're not moments of clarity or visions of the future. they're just you being scared. not pleasant, but not an indication of your future either. it sounds like you realise that, so keep treading water through those dark times because dammit that's what we do!

[RFLH]

you took the words out of my mouth Lemming!!

I have answered you on the other site Chris.

[Chrisb]

Thanks

Thanks Lemming, they are wise words Im sure and I can see that you understand what Im going through today. Feeling a little bit better, getting through the mountain of paperwork on my desk, most of it is shreadable and actually shreading paper really through a machine really helps! strange how the little things help!

[Rights Fighter]

What you are going through is perfectly normal as has been said already. I know it helps though to see it in print from time to time as otherwise it's difficult to believe that this situation is indeed "the norm" for many other people. It's a damn shame that it is so "normal" though.

[Saffron]

Hi Chris

all is not lost, sweetie. You haven't been charged yet, have you? I know it is hard to cope, but you will cope, if only because you have no other option. You will discover reserves of strength you never knew you had. Not a pleasant way to discover them, I know, but they are there. the best form of revenge is survival, after all.

When R was in prison, he refused to "admit" to his crime, and he still only served half his sentence. (although I acknowledge that this is probably because his sentence was less than 4 years. if it is over 4 years, you have to serve more than half). But he was also allowed home leave for 3 days halfway through, which is extremely rare. Whenever he was told that he was "in denial" he insisted that he was "maintaining his innocence". The law is an ass, but sometimes it gets it right. Look at Lemming's case.

Keep strong, and don't lose hope. We all have to have hope. Hope was the last thing left in Pandora's Box after everything else had escaped. Share your feelings with The Boyf, and he will hopefully (there I go again, wibbling on about Hope) share his with you. You aren't alone!

sending you HUGE hugs xx

[utterlydestroyed]

Hi Chris

I think we all know or can empathise here with what you are feeling. That monolithic steam roller of the criminal justice system just grinds slowly along.

One can but hope that the sooner the wedge of truth is put in place the quicker it can come to a halt. Its the complete lack of any control over the way it grinds destructively along, so exercise control over those aspects of your life you can. (we are back to cleaning again, lol).

I'm still so angry & cannot obtain closure, so I do undestand the despair. I still hope to see the police involved drummed out of the police force, but they protect their own no matter how bent & corrupt!

we do understand here I feel.

UD