Partner has been FA

[Pinkmoo]

Sorry for my late reply. I come on here multiple times a day I just never know what to say. I am hesitant in what I say and how I say it as I wouldn’t want anyone to know who I am. Police/family/my partner - I don’t know if he would be happy me writing his problems on the internet.

Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone about running away. Just a thought that goes through my head, not because I think my partner is guilty, i know he’s not. I’m just so scared at what will happen to him, to us as a couple and to our children.

I don’t no how much of this I can take. Feels like is never gonna end.

[Franticwithworry]

It will end, honestly it will, even though it doesn't feel like it.

Please try to not let this take over every waking moment, if only for your little one's sakes, and take on board the idea that you partner not talking to you about it all is more than likely a misguided attempt to protect you. It's early days yet in that a trauma as deep and damaging as this takes a good while to get to grips with, for both of you. Don't be afraid to ask your GP if you need help with sleep or anxiety. They've seen and heard it all, and if you don't get a decent response from the one you usually see, see another.

I understand the feeling that you want to pack up and leave/hide/whatever. That's your version of your partner not talking about anything to you. It's more than likely not personal, just his coping strategy. Being accused of rape, is, I think, the very worst thing that a decent, good man could be accused of and it will have rocked him to his very core.

It will take time for you both to get on a more even keel, but it will come if you let it. It's not easy but it can be done. Christmas is coming and with little ones you have the ideal distraction. Making memories for them is a task that you need to keep going with.

I hope you haven't had to deal with Social Services. It's less likely when the accuser is an adult, but if they show signs of making an appearance, be sure to come back here for some advice. Having them involved for any length of time isn't a certainty and I suspect that if they were going to get involved they would have done by now, but that isn't a certainty either. They were in and out of our lives quite quickly, though we don't have children at home.

Hang in there. You WILL get through this and we are here to support you whether or not you choose to post. There's no obligation and there are lots of members who 'lurk'.

[Peter1975]

Hang on in there Pinkmoo...

It is perfectly natural to worry but please remember the positives. Most of those who have posted here over the years have never been inside a courtroom but everyone has been put through the unbearable length of an "investigation" and it could take a while before you know anything yet.

It's also extremely common for the accused to seem to be burying their heads in the sand or their work but as our always wise Frantic says, it's a coping strategy. Talking about it won't make it go away and keeping busy and carrying on as normal as possible is always recommended.

I shall just stress the importance of a good solicitor if charged ( or beforehand if you can afford it ) - and the importance of communicating with them. If he isn't too happy or confident in his duty solicitor then it will be difficult to change once charged and the legal aid applied for.

[Pinkmoo]

hiya FWW & peter

Thank you for your fast replies.

I’m really trying for it not to take over my life, I had only just started to get back with normal life when they phoned about a 2nd interview. Now back to where we was when it first happened.

I don’t take it personal my partner not talking about it or telling me anything as that’s what he’s like. That’s his personality, it just worries me more as I over think what the situation is/could be. I also worry about him I don’t want him to suffer in silince.

I can’t see a GP, I’m worried that they would involve social if I explained to them. (FA is an adult, & luckily we haven’t had any dealing with them so far) I Also would be worried if my partner found out I was seeking help he would feel it was his fault. And he doesn’t need any more stress I’m sure.

I found the solicitor on this site, however last night while reading threads I found that he actually isn’t specialised in this but someone recommended him as he was a gentlemen (I think that’s what it said) so I am panicking a little thinking is he good enough? How often should he communicate with his solicitor? Don’t think they have been in touch since the 2nd interview (I could be wrong though)

[Franticwithworry]

Hi again. I fully understand the feeling that you’re back at the beginning. That’s exactly how we felt too.

Please don't worry about the GP involving social services. If they did that for every patient who couldn’t sleep or felt anxious, SS would grind to a halt. Besides, you don’t have to tell the GP why you can’t sleep or are anxious. You can explain in very general terms - you’ve a lot on your mind, you feel overwhelmed eg. The doctor doesn’t need detail.

As for your partner feeling that it’s his fault if you need help -don’t do his thinking for him. It isn’t his fault it’s her fault and he might need help to understand that but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have help. If you need it you need it for the children’s benefit as much as anything else.

Post st here or send me a pm and let me know which solicitor your talking about and I’ll see if I can do a bit of research for you.

At the moment there probably isn’t much that the solicitor can tell you but asking for an update once a month if you’ve heard nothing isn’t unreasonable.

[OEN34]

Frantic gave some excellent advice as usual.

You and your partner can very easily start thinking for each other, when in reality you are only assuming, so perhaps open some dialogue with him and tell him how you feel.

And if you do open dialogue, you know that you're not doing it to cause anymore anxiety. You're involved in this too, so it's very important you're heard.

It will end. The road can be incredibly tough at times and you may feel utter despair, but you will get there.

I'm not sure if you're partner is very proactive and assertive, but do not be afraid of giving him a gentle nudge to make contact with his solicitor who can then contact the OIC on his behalf. Assertive, but polite is key I found. Ask them questions, without ranting.

As for the second interview; it's easy to think the worst, but it might actually be in his favour this. They might have wanted him to clarify or elaborate on a few more questions to get his version of events, which can help his case.

One final note that I feel is really important, is that if your partner suddenly remember anything relating to the situation that the FA said or did, or somewhere they went etc, then he should pass this to his solicitor. Lots came into my head after the interviews and they all helped my defense.

Best of luck.

[Pinkmoo]

Hello all!!
I just want to say a big thankyou to everyone who took there time to reply. The case has been dropped! Speechless right now but VERY happy.

Special thank you to franticwithworry


Xxxxxxxx

[Franticwithworry]

Wowee!!!! I'm thrilled to bits for you both; that's fantastic news. Here are the customary bananas -



Don't forget to be gentle with yourselves and each other. Some people feel a bit of an anti-climax in the weeks after an NFA, but best wishes and to you both. We will still be here if you ever need us as you get back on an even keep and if your partner was happy with his legal representation a recommendation would be much appreciated. We need to know who the good guys are.

[Casehardened]

Brilliant news, so pleased for both of you.....

[OEN34]

Amazing news, congratulations!!!!!!!!!

So sudden too!!!!

[Pond31]

Congrats good luck to you :banana

[totallylost]

Huge congratulations to you