Falsely accused

[Unregistered]

I want to say how I truly sypathise with anyone who has been accused of rape. Its the most horrendous accusation to be assused of and to be honest Murder would seem less than this.

Im a Gay man assused of raping a woman. A friend, I thought, who was down on her luck and all I did was try to help her.The case as far as Im concerned is taking money by deception. I dont want to say anymore than that at this stage. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and Im openly Gay and have been for many years, although Im still only 29!

Whilst Im Gay that is not in my opinion my defence, my defence is that Im a decent human being who would never hurt anyone like that. I was abused as a child by my school teacher so I understand the pain and the suffering of rape.

I was arrested last year (13th June, 2007) after the Police made an appointment to see me at my local Police station, the Police were really nice chaps and I didnt feel at any point were they anything but professional at that stage.

Since then i have been re-bailed on average every 8 weeks and this has varied from them not knowing I would be reporting to the Police station, the Police phoning me and telling me not to come and that they would re-bail me by post, to me chasing my solicitor to find out when my next bail appearence would be, me chasing the Police to find out when it will be. I have asked what the hold up has been and the Police have told me that they havent interviewed my witness's, the Police man in charge has been on holiday, the Police man incharge has been off sick etc etc. When i have been required to report to the Police station its almost like they forgot about me.

For the last 6.5 months I have had the roughest time in my life. I havent been a depressed person and always managed to get over and survive my problems but this one really got me.

The feelings of despair and depression have been intense, mostly its been awful although sometimes I have been able to be my old self. One minute Im fine, then one minute Im not. My boyfriend and my friends have been unbeliveable supportive however they of course are not in my head and probably sometimes struggle to understand how I feel. The feelings of thinking about suicide, feeling lonely, feeling paranoid, depressed, wondering how Im going to get up and go through the day, not being able to be with a woman in a room without thinking that she is going to accuse me of rape which is even tougher as I have 4 sisters and the majority of my friends are girls. The most incredible hard time was when i went to visit a client, who has been interviewed as my witness, wedged the door open as I was interviewing a girl. That hurt, but I understand what he was doing, it was just my first day back at work and I was trying to get on.

The time that this has gone on for is shocking. I can say that my levels of despair change from week to week. The first couple of months I was crying alot, although Im gay I had not cried for years and years, so get that stero type out of your head darlings!

I have a councillor and that helps me alot to deal with the pressures and I would highly reccommend that you get one if you are feeling at all like me. Although the majority of the time you are going it alone, the councilling time helps to recalulate your feelings and deal with the low times when you are at your darkest. I would never see myself getting a councillor in a million years before not even with the low points in my life, I just could not see any other way to help me and I needed help urgently.

My advice is, make sure you are top of your solicitor, the Police and take each week, week by week. Dont put too much pressure on yourself to be on top form. Only people who are accused of this will truly understand how bad it is.

I have been advised today, after chasing the Police myself, that they have just finished interviewing everyone and that they are sending it off to the CPS and the CPS will decide whether it should go to court or not. This im advised takes upto 28 days. However, the Police said it would be cleared up in 8 weeks from the start, so Im not holding out.

I asked the Policeman what he though would happen next and he said its "pretty straight forward" and "I cant say anymore than that as its up to the CPS" Im not sure what that means but I guess I will find out sooner or later.

I wish everyone the best in their case and I trully hope that no one gets punished for a crime they didnt committ.

I will let you know what happens with mine and take care of yourselves.

[RFLH]

Hi Chris - what you describe is pretty normal. Even if you do get charged, like as not, the bail thing will happen for months. It took 15 months in our case.

You will feel down and everything greater or lesser, this is completely normal. It's good that you're still working, so many chaps lose their jobs at the merest sniff of this kind of charge.

It's good that your friends and partner are rallying round - you sure do find out who your friends are!! Amongst all this turmoil, find time for yourself and partner, go out and try not to let it take control of your life totally. You need to have good times or it just gets harder.

I shall keep my fingers crossed that the CPS will see sense for once and sooner rather than later. The waiting is hideous.

[Unregistered]

Im Chris by the way

Thanks for the reply.

In someway im very lucky as I own the company I work for. However, this is concerning me as I worry about the future of my staff and my partner. My company may be able to survive without me, I hope so if it has to.

The Police once said to me "Dont worry yourself unduly" but does anyone know anyone who has been falsely accussed of this to not worry about it?!

I know im supposed to be trying to feel positive, but i struggle with this somewhat.

Im petrified of going to court, if i have to, Im not a performer, im not that strong. A few years ago my partner and I got bashed up by a bunch of homophobic idiots that went to court and it was awful. Strangly the day we got beat up was on the 13th June and the day I got arrested was on the 13th June. Think I may stay at home this year!

This week is a bad week, feeling particulary low, but I will get through it.

[utterlydestroyed]

Hi Chrisb (I note you are site registered now)

Thank you for sharing your story. Alas, it is an all to common one when you read through all the postings. As a result of the law change in the Sexual Offences Act 2003 (effective 1st May 2004) I believe we will see more and more gay/bi men accused of rape/sa. Which is why I decided to become the 'pink presence' on the site.

The effect of a case dragging on, the not knowing, is errossive & traumatising, I think all the posters here can/will empathise on that one.

Good that as a 'gay' person, police (seemed) ok with you, alas NOT my personal experience as a gay person myself. As RFLH said -You find out who your friends are, it tends to be a bit of a 'life laundry'...on many levels.

You and your partner stay strong. Keep posting.

NB:- I hope I'm not breaking any site rules here but I noted today that a gay member of the BBC is facing a rape allegation on:- http://www.pinknews.co.uk/news/articles/2005-6749.html

[Chrisb]

Thanks for the message

Thanks for the reply

I can only say that the Police have been pleasant when they have spoken to me. However, I live within a large Gay community and my city is very liberal. The Police and the local Council have made vast improvements in the last 5 years to build close relationships within the LGBT community.

Im not going to defend or attack the Police as I do not know enough about them. I read your experience through this site and Im very sorry that you had to go through that.

Im trying my best for my Partner sometimes its tricky and I cannot deny that this has put a tremendous strain on our relationship and Im not behaving quite so patient as I normally am. I hope my relationship can go through this, we have been through enough already but there is only so many knocks that a relationship can take.

[Saffron]

Hi Chris B
Sorry to hear your story.
I agree that whilst you are gay, that will not be considered a defence, and nor should it be. Generally rape is not about sexual gratification, but power.
As RFLH and UD say, taking it a day at a time is the only way to go. I also recommend physical activity - when i was really down i did loads of housework, laundry and ironing. strange how being in a clean house with a full compliment of clean pants and socks make you feel less miserable. Of course, it doesn't have to be housework - going for a walk, to the gym, washing the car, anything. the mundanity of repeated physical exertion helps to drive the depression from your mind.

One of the reasons those falsely accused of rape find it so very traumatising is because they find rape an abhorrent crime. this is one of the most difficult and traumatising experiences you will ever have. I hope you and your partner can see it through and become stronger because of it.

keep us updated, I hope the CPS see sense.

[Chrisb]

House work

Gosh Saffron, you must have seen the state of my apartment! Its a terrible state at the moment! Clothes everywhere, washing up. It looks like a scene out of "Withnail and I"

To be honest I normally am pretty tidy, the boyfriends useless in the house keeping department, he has been a little better recently! I just am so exhausted I dont have the energy to do it.

I do feel that rape is absolutly abhorrent so much so I have never been able to read anything in the newspapers about these stories. To think that anyone is capable of such crime is beyong me.

[utterlydestroyed]

Bang! There goes another gay myth about tidy homes! Lol, It reminds me of the joke about;-

Q "How do you know when you've been burgled by a gay man?"
A "You find your furniture rearranged 'tastefully', a quiche in the oven and fresh pot pourri in a bowl by the front door".

(I promise I won't start posting recipes next)

Seriously though, you're going to have ups & downs emotionally...and the whole think is grindingly draining on the spirit. 'Saff' is right (as ever), I took to walking cliff tops, as I live near the coast (hmm, thinking about it now, maybe NOT the best idea when depressed), but I was always in good company who knew & understood fully what was going on. The fresh air & physical exercise was good for the soul and gave some respite.

Try to keep your work focussed. As RFLH said..many lose employment, or in my case where police actively destroyed my businesses. You will need your work when you come out of this the otherside, but things will have changed, thats the nature of this beast of allegation!

hugz

UD

[Chrisb]

Great joke!
Hmmm, that could be a new TV program: How gay is your house?

Im planning on starting back at the gym soon, so hopefully that may help.

[Lamont]

Hi Chris,

Boy can I ever empathize with what you're going through! In the thick of my recent experience, my emotions oscillated between depression and anger. Feelings of anger can be empowering, but also frustrating as you have no place to vent that anger.

A far as coping, Saffron offers great advice. Keep busy. You still have your job, so throw yourself into your work. Keep on top of housework, etc. Keeping busy and feeling productive can help distract from your situation. In addition, exercise can provide a means of working out your frustration and anger. Indeed, I found it to be my only means of release where these emotions are concerned.

You're clearly grateful that you have supportive friends. This is so important. I would not have been able to get through my ordeal without the support of my friends. Getting counseling is also smart. I did the same and it certainly helped me to cope.

There's nothing worse than being falsely accused of a horribly stigmatizing crime. Still, it's important to stay strong, if only to not give your accuser the satisfaction of feeling that she's succeeded in destroying you.

All the best to you.

[Saffron]

It's a bit like trying to give up smoking - as long as you are busy doing something, you are not thinking about that next ciggie. so as long as your brain or limbs are occupied, you will not be dwelling on it. I too have lived in Withnail & I squalor - you will feel so much better when it is all cleared up. It is also a way of controlling your environment.

When i felt that my life was spiralling out of control, I tried to focus on the things i could control: for me it was what I ate, (not very much!) making sure my environment was spotless and that my son's clohtes were ironed to within an inch of their life! Focusing on the things you can control occupies you so that you are not constantly thinking about the things you can't control. Worked for me.

BTW, loved the joke UD!

[Chrisb]

Good to know

Its good to know people understand the situation Im in, it really helps. Im going to go to the gym at the weekend and clean my apartment within an inch of its life! My dog will wonder whats got into me! I do a fair bit of dog walking along the beach where I live, probably not as much as dog would like though! I know it sounds silly maybe but I even worry about the future of my dog. He comes to work with me and my partner works overseas alot, so I do worry what will happen to him. I know its only a dog but its just like another worry to the list.

[Rights Fighter]

He's not "only a dog" he's your companion. I still miss mine (she used to write to prisoners!) and she went to doggy heaven in November 2005.

Talk to you tonight

H

[utterlydestroyed]

Ah! but a dog, just like a child is entirely dependent upon the adult responsible for it. So of course you are concerned about 'woof'. ..and its another aspect of how false allegation taints & touches everything...even walking the dog.

So the 'dust bunnies' under the bed are going to be under seige this week. lol.

What Lamont said:- Anger can be empowering, but frustrating if undirected in a positive way. With my businesses destroyed by police, I've channeled my energy & time into being the biggest 'Royal pain in the arse' possible for the authorities who have abused me (and others) by their prejudice, far more so than that of the actual 'false accusor' did/has.

...and despite some not liking my methods, already I have affected some real positive changes locally to me.

The frustration comes when one realise the lengths to which the authorities will go to cover up their dishonesty & malpractise. Its that police corruption which fuels me. I metaphorically clean, but by poking around at the cobwebs of badly run, badly managed & down right blatant dishonesty within those organisations (like the police), who we 'niavely' entrust (not anymore) to be responsible for handling these situatons.

I've just been watching the waves pounding on the shore myself, some beauty 'white horses' today in the waves, so enjoy the walk on the beach, I'm sure 'woof' will.

[utterlydestroyed]

RF

I love the idea that you 'woof' wrote to prisoners, that was sound!

Soz you lost him/her. They ARE family!