Life completely ruined

[soulbug]

Hi, I'm sorry to read of your unfortunate situation, I had the need around 4 years ago to require Chris Saltease services, my case went as far as crown court but the case was thrown out by the judge before trial based on "abuse of process" argument, i had the services of Chris and the wonderful barrister Tania Griffiths my bill was around 8k, thankfully I could claim all my costs back, but if my memory serves me correctly I think I was quoted around 30k if it was going to be a 5 day trial.

Sadly these days even if you win, you cannot claim back the costs....

Prices my of gone up of course... But Chris is very very good and definitely not the most expensive.

P.S I was just pondering my reply , I actually had the wonderful help from Chris back in 2011 - 2012 , so closer to around 6 - 7 years ago...

[papercut]

Hi Soulbug,

Thanks for letting me know. I would imagine rates for representation have increased by quite a bit since then.

I will contact Chris this week and see if I can get an idea of costs.

Thanks
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[Bob1234]

hello and welcome,

sorry you find yourself in this situation, i too have been there!

apologies as i have not read the thread fully as i have been occupied with a few things, but i have seen the members who have replied and i would go by whatever they say as they helped me through my ordeal and are knowledgable.


sorry if i have repeated anything anyone has said but my tips are :

- not to trust the police
- write all events down and keep safe
- be careful who you share information with
- dont loose faith
- have a close support network who you can trust and use them

Bob

[papercut]

Thanks for the great advise Bob1234 and everyone else who has been kind enough to respond.

I don't think I will be trusting anyone I don't already know for quite some time.

Just trying my best to get through one day at a time at the minute and thats all I can really do for now.

Kind Regards
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[papercut]

Hi Guys,

Is it worth me contacting the police to get an update on what is happening or am I better to sit and do nothing?

Thanks
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[OEN34]

Hi Guys,

Is it worth me contacting the police to get an update on what is happening or am I better to sit and do nothing?

Thanks
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There's no harm, but it's very early days yet. We're all different, but I tend to chase once a month otherwise I'm inducing anxiety myself, which is silly to do. Obviously remain as polite as possible etc etc. Play the game, basically.

[Franticwithworry]

Just seconding OEN34's excellent advice here.

And to add, he's also right when he says that it's early days yet, and it's important to remember that there are a couple of things to remember about that. Firstly, you have received such a shock that there is a tendency for time to go extremely slowly for you. A week can seem like a lifetime when you're waiting for news about this.

Secondly, the shock is an actual brain trauma that it can take a good while for your body to recover from. If you can concentrate on being kind to yourself, do things that will distract you from thinking about it all the time and that you enjoy, you will be helping yourself. A lot of the men on here mention that physical exercise helps them, the gym, running, anything that tires them out and helps them sleep, but if that's not your 'thing' any hobby that you can immerse yourself in will have the same effect.

In essence, let your brain rest whenever you can and it being busy on something other than your current situation is still rest. Hang in there. We are here, no matter what.

[OEN34]

Just seconding OEN34's excellent advice here.

And to add, he's also right when he says that it's early days yet, and it's important to remember that there are a couple of things to remember about that. Firstly, you have received such a shock that there is a tendency for time to go extremely slowly for you. A week can seem like a lifetime when you're waiting for news about this.

Secondly, the shock is an actual brain trauma that it can take a good while for your body to recover from. If you can concentrate on being kind to yourself, do things that will distract you from thinking about it all the time and that you enjoy, you will be helping yourself. A lot of the men on here mention that physical exercise helps them, the gym, running, anything that tires them out and helps them sleep, but if that's not your 'thing' any hobby that you can immerse yourself in will have the same effect.

In essence, let your brain rest whenever you can and it being busy on something other than your current situation is still rest. Hang in there. We are here, no matter what.

Not only is it brain trauma, it's more importantly, emotional trauma. Us humans have developed a great skill at repressing our emotions - blocking them out as much as possible - as it was always seen as a weakness, or if we're honest, considered too painful to face, so we ignore them, 'man up' and shove them down where they sit deeply in our subconscious, which is the worst thing we can do, but sadly we know no different.

So what you say about being kind is spot on, in my opinion. It's also really important to allow your emotions to come to the surface if they want to - don't resist them as you're adding further layers to the ones you already have below your conscious awareness. We all have emotional trauma, we're sadly unaware of it as we' don't dial into the body enough to listen.

Do things you enjoy and live as normal as possible, but don't try to purposefully distract away from what is happening as you're in resistance-mode then. Only last week I was overwhelmed with sorrow and despair so I allowed myself to lie on my bed and cry uncontrollably for as long as I needed to and I felt much better afterwards as I allowed my emotions to come to the surface and escape. So my advice would be to be as present as possible with your emotions - allow them - even schedule 10-20 mins a day to be with them and feel them, without attaching a story to them, i.e. don't replay what has happened over and over in your head, or what might happen. Simply allow yourself to feel what is going on and remember that you're not your thoughts

[Franticwithworry]

I couldn't agree with you more OEN34. The reason I mention brain trauma specifically though, is because many of us don't realise that it is a real thing, as real as bruising if not breaking a leg. Brain cells don't regenerate so we have to give the brain time to shift tasks to another part. It potentially stops us performing all sorts of functions properly. In my own experience, when my man was arrested, I coped perfectly well in the immediate crisis, but for weeks afterwards I had episodes when I couldn't speak properly. The words were in my head but wouldn't come out of my mouth and that lasted for several months. He had a different experience, but it was a symptom of brain trauma nonetheless.

Everything you say about emotions is correct as well. It's a tragedy that we often bring up small boys not to cry or tell boys and men to 'man up'. What you're describing in relation to emotions is 'mindfulness' which is a wonderful skill to develop. It, yoga and meditation can all be very useful tools, at any time in life but especially in times of stress.

Strange as it sounds, many people report that there is a silver lining to this awfulness that we go through, part of it potentially being the fact that we discover strengths we didn't know we had and things about ourselves that we had little awareness of. Not a recommended route of discovery, but we may as well make use of it if it's foisted upon us.

[OEN34]

I couldn't agree with you more OEN34. The reason I mention brain trauma specifically though, is because many of us don't realise that it is a real thing, as real as bruising if not breaking a leg. Brain cells don't regenerate so we have to give the brain time to shift tasks to another part. It potentially stops us performing all sorts of functions properly. In my own experience, when my man was arrested, I coped perfectly well in the immediate crisis, but for weeks afterwards I had episodes when I couldn't speak properly. The words were in my head but wouldn't come out of my mouth and that lasted for several months. He had a different experience, but it was a symptom of brain trauma nonetheless.

Everything you say about emotions is correct as well. It's a tragedy that we often bring up small boys not to cry or tell boys and men to 'man up'. What you're describing in relation to emotions is 'mindfulness' which is a wonderful skill to develop. It, yoga and meditation can all be very useful tools, at any time in life but especially in times of stress.

Strange as it sounds, many people report that there is a silver lining to this awfulness that we go through, part of it potentially being the fact that we discover strengths we didn't know we had and things about ourselves that we had little awareness of. Not a recommended route of discovery, but we may as well make use of it if it's foisted upon us.

It makes sense what you're saying. It's often after the event when things start coming to the surface, and lets face it, this type of accusation has to have some emotional feedback, though if it doesn't initially that is due to us being in fear-mode, shutting ourselves down as a way of protecting ourselves, something we've done all our lives. I was the same with the speech issue; I felt I knew what I wanted to say, yet the words wouldn't flow.

I also absolutely agree about the silver lining in all of this, despite majority of us not being able to see it when you're in the thick of it. It's happened for a reason and it's personally shown me how much strength I have, and how much I can dig deep in times of real stress. We think we're at our stress limits in the most basic of situations, but when something like this occurs you realise how much more there is to you. I'm also aware that there is still much more in the tank if I need to go there. Humans aren't here to not be able to cope with things, that's not our role. We're here to learn, grow and evolve. There's nothing we aren't strong enough for, IMO.

It's personally allowed me to go within, find out more about myself than ever before, and underneath the mind-chatter and anxiety at the very core of me, I realise there is some beauty in this suffering as it has heightened my sense of compassion to the FA's, which probably sounds very strange to other readers. What you perceive externally is a reflection of what is going on internally, but it takes time to truly drop all resentment towards those who have wronged us and I'm not there yet, but there is some compassion there for them knowing the reason why they are acting the way they are is due to them having some deeply ingrained inner wounds that need healing.

[papercut]

Thanks OEN34 and Franticwithworry,

I will give the police a ring very soon for an update as it will help my sanity I think.

I have good days and bad days at the minute and have started to try and exercise and keep my mind occupied with various tasks, but they just seem like distractions from reality more than anything.

The hardest part is late at night when I am alone with my thoughts. It can be a real struggle to sleep and I constantly find myself watching mind-numbing **** on the TV just to distract myself. Before this I hardly watched TV, but now find myself watching it into the small hours.

I myself found it very hard to communicate for a while and have suffered from dull headaches since, but I just put this down to the whole shock and horrific nature of the accusation. I would never have though of it as a brain trauma, but in a way I guess it makes sense. I also have deep moments of anxiety that come on out of nowhere. I am trying to get through it all at the minute and I am determined to not let it break me, but its a real battle and something I wouldn't wish upon anyone.

I really appreciate your support guys, it has been a great comfort for me at the minute.

Thanks
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[Franticwithworry]

Know that there's nothing unusual or 'wrong' about how you are feeling at the moment, Papercut.

So many of us, the accused and their supporters/immediate family, suffer in the same way - lack of sleep and minds racing being near the top of the list. I have never watched so much mindless television in my life either and it's amazing what can be found in the middle of the night or on Netflix. It does get easier to manage though and even if what you do are just mindless distractions from reality at the moment, you need that so don't knock it. :-) If it doesn't, don't be afraid to approach your GP for some temporary help. I find that every few weeks taking a sleeping tablet for 2 or 3 nights forces my body to rest and gets me on an even keel again, and I no long worry about taking a nap in the day if I need it. I've stopped seeing it as being lazy.

Do what you need to do without fighting it too hard and you will get through this, and we are all here to help along the way.

I hope you have some nice weather to 'lose' yourself in this bank holiday.

[Pond31]

Thanks OEN34 and Franticwithworry,

I will give the police a ring very soon for an update as it will help my sanity I think.

I have good days and bad days at the minute and have started to try and exercise and keep my mind occupied with various tasks, but they just seem like distractions from reality more than anything.

The hardest part is late at night when I am alone with my thoughts. It can be a real struggle to sleep and I constantly find myself watching mind-numbing **** on the TV just to distract myself. Before this I hardly watched TV, but now find myself watching it into the small hours.

I myself found it very hard to communicate for a while and have suffered from dull headaches since, but I just put this down to the whole shock and horrific nature of the accusation. I would never have though of it as a brain trauma, but in a way I guess it makes sense. I also have deep moments of anxiety that come on out of nowhere. I am trying to get through it all at the minute and I am determined to not let it break me, but its a real battle and something I wouldn't wish upon anyone.

I really appreciate your support guys, it has been a great comfort for me at the minute.

Thanks
Papercut

Hi Papercut

Frankticwithworry is right about loosing yourself in the weekend and seek some help from your GP. There is a technique in mental health call productive day, which simple means have a productive day to improve your mood. It also advise you if you are having a BAD DAY then you should do the same things you do when you are having a good one. The idea is that doing the good day things will lift your mood.

Reference the **** TV. I have only watched 2 things on Live TV since my whole case started. I panic if the internet is down and I can't watch my Netflix. I have watched The Big Bang Theory seasons 1-10 hundreds of times, as well as repeatedly watching all the Star Trek series. So I know where you are coming from. I also have a Kodi box to watch Netflix and other streaming services.

I hope you have a nice bank holiday week end. Getting out in the sun is good for your physical and mental health.

Pond31

[OEN34]

Thanks OEN34 and Franticwithworry,

I will give the police a ring very soon for an update as it will help my sanity I think.

I have good days and bad days at the minute and have started to try and exercise and keep my mind occupied with various tasks, but they just seem like distractions from reality more than anything.

The hardest part is late at night when I am alone with my thoughts. It can be a real struggle to sleep and I constantly find myself watching mind-numbing **** on the TV just to distract myself. Before this I hardly watched TV, but now find myself watching it into the small hours.

I myself found it very hard to communicate for a while and have suffered from dull headaches since, but I just put this down to the whole shock and horrific nature of the accusation. I would never have though of it as a brain trauma, but in a way I guess it makes sense. I also have deep moments of anxiety that come on out of nowhere. I am trying to get through it all at the minute and I am determined to not let it break me, but its a real battle and something I wouldn't wish upon anyone.

I really appreciate your support guys, it has been a great comfort for me at the minute.

Thanks
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The good thing here is that you're aware you're distracting yourself. Most people live their life by distracting themselves, yet are completely unaware as such, and I think you have a pretty good reason to find distractions at the moment

As I said in my previous post, be as present as you can with your feelings, without judgement, and I can guarantee you they will improve as you give up the battle. Allow the thoughts, observe them as though you're a third party - this helps. Keep up the exercise, but above all else, be very gentle and kind to yourself.

Take good care of yourself, mate.

[papercut]

Thanks guys!!!

Your advice and support is really appreciated.

@Franticwithworry: I have been given anti-depressents and valium by my doctor and I think they are helping to stabilise my mood somewhat. The valium really helps when I am low and I use it sparingly. I even managed to go out for a drink at the weekend with a coupe of mates. The friends I was out with don't know what is happening, but they are close friends who I will probably tell at some stage. They know something isn't quite right, but I just feel that I should not be telling too many people for now (I have told some friends...but I know the ones I have told won't tell anyone else).

@Pond31: I understand what you mean about the "productive day" concept. It is effectively programming yourself into normality.
I am trying my best to distract myself and am helping out one of my close friends with a business he is setting up. Helping him with some of the bits and pieces he needs is a welcome destraction and is making me feel a little closer to normal. Its something to focus on and move my mind away from those creeping thoughts for a while at least.

@OEN34: I am trying my best to acknowledging my feelings and not bury them too much. Its just hard to do sometimes when your mind starts thinking about the possibilities and reality of the situation. I will try my best to give them some perspective so I can at least rationalise my thoughts and why I feel the way I do.

I will keep up the exercise...even though its a nearly a week since I last went for a run, but I will make a point of going again tomorrow.

Thanks guys!
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